Addicts in Recovery Don't Test Their Recovery

So I made up this joke the other day. Want to hear it? It goes like this:

"A Catholic guy, a blonde guy, and a recovering alcoholic go into a bar..."

That's it. That's the joke. Get it?

A recovering alcoholic wouldn't go into a bar.

You can be critical like me, and dig into it and say, "yeah, funny but like the Big Book says, one day an alcoholic with lots of sobriety really CAN walk into a bar and not feel triggered. Especially if he's going to the rescue of an AA buddy!" Or, "well I'm sure if he was stranded in the middle of the desert and was dying of thirst he could walk into a bar and get water!" To which i say to myself, "shut up and stop ruining my joke." And "really? And there's only a bar in the middle of the desert? Is this the Twilight Zone?"

So stop ruining my joke! I'm trying to make a point here!

The point is this: ADDICTS IN RECOVERY DON'T TEST THEIR RECOVERY.

Seems simple enough right? But when thinking back on my addiction, that is what I've always done.

- "Well it's been a few months. I should be able to resist this time."

- "This doesn't affect me like it used to."

-"I can take a peek."

- "It's okay I can see it and drink it in, I'm with other people in a public place and can't get away to act out."

- "The movie only shows a woman's bare chest once and only for a second."

An addict in recovery doesn't care how much sobriety he has because he knows that it's NEVER enough to save him. Sobriety isn't dependable.

God IS dependable. Humility is dependable. Honesty is dependable.

I have to keep this in mind. Because I always want to test my sobriety. How far can I go with it?

It's like that one story about the guy wanting to hire a truck driver and all these applicants drove their trucks as close to the edge as they could to prove how masterful they were at driving, and he hired the guy that drove as far away from the edge as he could.

Why? Because he was smart. He knew it isn't how close you can get to breaking the rules without actually breaking them, but how well you can keep yourself from breaking those rules.

An addict can't get close to breaking the rules because he's always going to break them if he gets close enough.

My therapist told me something the other day that really made me think. (This is a common occurrence) he told me about the guys that come to him and tell him they took the filtering programs off their computer and ended up relapsing. His question to them is: "what problems was the filtering/monitoring programs causing?" They look at him a bit confused and say, "none. What do you mean?" To which he responds, "the only reason why someone stood doing something that has been working for them is because it isn't working for them anymore."

Essentially, why would you take off the filtering/monitoring software off your computer if it was working for you? If it was helping, why stop it?

The guys in recovery that I've read about, and the very very few that I've actually seen, know not to test their sobriety. They understand that when the thought comes, "it's been a long time. I should be able to resist."

"I'm just going in the bar because their fries are delicious, I'm not going to drink, I've been sober for 5 years" that these thoughts are lies their addiction tries to get them to believe.

The truth is, no matter how sober I am, I'm not strong enough to watch a movie with nudity. I'm not strong enough to browse an unfiltered unmonitored internet. I will never be strong enough.

We see guys in the program all the time who lose their wives and kids and do better and fail again and again. I'm one of them.

A part of this is because I'm willing to accept that I've lost the battle and gotten the tar best out of me, but that I can some how at the last moment, like in some hollywood blockbuster, get up on trembling legs, bruised and broken, and perform that one vital move that I learned my addiction had while it was beating me, and somehow kill it.

That or I think of God as coming in, supporting me with one arm and we both survive guns blazing.

The truth is I've lost. The truth is there's no surviving this. The truth is i don't know crap about how to handle or beat addiction. Why? Because it doesn't exist. There is no way to beat it. BEATING ADDICTION DOES NOT EXIST.

Going to meetings, working the program, praying, reading scriptures, does NOTHING to help beat addiction or become strong enough to beat addiction. The only thing these activities and steps help us do is be humble enough to realize that we will fail EVERY time. EVERY TIME.

"But Anoni Mouse, God says He will make weak things become strong! Eventually we'll be strong enough!"

No. God said, "I will make weak things become strong." Not "I'll help you and together we'll make weak things strong," not, "if you do these things first then I'll make weak things strong." He does it. ALL of it.

God will always fight that battle for us as long as we are honest enough to let Him. Honest being, "I need divine intervention because I'm not going to survive. I WANT TO ACT OUT TOO MUCH TO RESIST."

He makes weak things become strong because He is WITH us. And while He is with us the only thing satan or even our addiction can do is to get us to leave the side of God.

How? By this phrase, "it's been along time, i should be able to resist now."

God is mighty to save. Not me, not the addict with 20+ years of recovery, not a combined group, not sobriety, God. Just God and only God.

When God remembers our sins no more it's because we remember them enough to not do them again. To not test the waters.

If there was a man eating crocodile in the internet pool yesterday, the day before, and all the days before that, then it's going to be in the pool today too. And you might think you've won something by taking a sip of the pool a few times without it getting you, but being successful in the tiny sip of water is only going to make you more prideful and cocky so that the next sip will be too slow, because the addiction crocodile is always faster. You're chained to it after all and it's always hungry.

Where Are My War Buddies?

I'm not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a run for his money.

I currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.

I want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery. Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and want to hang out with.

I can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.

It seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)

Maybe I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies. Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can band together with.

I need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.

Sorry this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm saying.

And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.

Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.

What the Addict Imagines and What Really Happened

Hahaha, thought this was hilarious. Totally true. Hope you can read what is being said. Funny comic-strip. 

Living Now

I read something in A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Carnes. He talked about children.

       Children live in the present completely. They don't really have a past to relate to, and they have no concept of the future. They are 100% in the here and now.

     This means that they experience the present with all of their senses. They are totally in the now. We addicts need to be a lot more like them.

     It made me think of how the now is all we have.

      There is no past. We can't turn around and go back to it. We view the past as something behind us but that's only how we distinguish memories and life experiences. The past does not exist.

      The future is the same. It isn't in front of us. We can't view it. It doesn't exist. It's not real. We only put things in "the future" so that we can plan on certain things.

     So all we have is right now. It makes sense then why God says that we can change right now. We can choose to be a different person right now. At least people who aren't addicts can.

     So how does this apply to the addict?

       Because we can't focus on anything else other than now. Like I've said before, our perception of reality is flawed. We think of how things "should" be and what we "deserve". This isn't now.

     NOW is rolling down the window and feeling the air on your face. NOW is looking at all the trees with amazement if how tall they are and how magical it is that they exist. NOW is meeting people and being amazed that they are human and have their own likes and dislikes. NOW is feeling your feet in soft carpet, in a puddle. It's using all of your senses to the max. NOW is understanding your an addict and can fall at any second. NOW is accepting your wife for who she is right now. Not who she was before the fiasco when you were caught or when you told her, and not who she can be or will be. NOW is NOW.

     Addicts are less in the now than anyone. Every experience and sight and sound and sense transfers into what we want TO happen (in the future, which could be seconds or weeks or years away but still not real), how now isn't good enough, we believe that now doesn't give us what we want but it's all we really have.

     We know for a fact that as addicts we make tidal waves over spilt milk. We turn into the hulk and destroy city blocks at the drop of a hat. These little things boil our potatoes....(did that even make sense? Maybe that was a bad metaphor).

      I get frustrated with my children, not for the way they are acting right now, but because I "think" that if their behavior goes on unchecked now, it'll get worse when they are older. Again I'm thinking about the future and not the now.

       I cannot control the future because the future doesn't exist. (And because I'm an addict and control kills me.) To prepare for it is kind of hopeless because nothing ever goes according to my plans.

          It has been very helpful to me, when I see something or want to see something, while I'm at work or shopping or whatever, to stop and think, "one day at a time," and focus on what is going on around me. To keep myself in the present. I focus on the heat of the sun and how I can feel it cooking me. I roll down the window and feel the wind, and focus on the feel of the wind. It really helps me be open with wonder to realize how awesome life is.

    This pulls me out of my desire for lust. Because it grounds me in reality and in what I'm doing and nothing kills lust faster than reality.

      Because when I think about the Times I'm in an addict fueled state of mind and I'm seeking lust, I'm not in reality. When I'm arguing with my wife, or even I'm angry with her or the kids, I'm not in reality. I'm thinking 80 million steps ahead, "if the kids are loud now and I don't say anything they are going to get worse and worse!" (Worse and worse what?) "If she sees me doing (or not doing) this or that she's going to think I'm bad or acting out again!"

      

       Think about it. There are so many times I try and pre-empt what my wife "will say" and begin to have a discussion then argument in my head (at which I am always the victor). This isn't only bad because I'm thinking negatively, but I then react to reality as if we were fighting. I come home from work and I'm short with everyone and quick to anger and end up causing malcontent.

     The same is true when reading my wife's texts. (Or anyone's for that matter). I misread and add implications. I assume she's mad when she isn't. The reality is I have no idea what she's feeling unless she tells me. And I should never base anything of of what I think she's feeling unless I'm told or the expression is plain as day. (If she's smiling and laughing then she's happy.)

      One way to keep in contact with reality is to check how I'm feeling. Really feeling, throughout the day. Talk with (or text) my SA guys. Acknowledge my unmanageability constantly.these all help me stay present. They keep me from taking that first step into an alternate reality where I'm always right.

     It's hard work. I'm no where near that good at it yet. But then again, that's me not living in the now and trying to think of how long it will be before I'm really good at it.

    

I Don't Know How to Do Hard Things

I realized yesterday that I don't know how to do hard things. Really. This isn't a metaphor or anything. I'm not saying that I'm unable to do hard things, just that I don't know HOW to do them.

    

    This started when I was molested at 7 years old. My body AND my brain shut down. They didn't understand how to compute the data off what just happened and so programmed me to get physically tired and mentally in a fog. This made me unable to correctly judge what I was seeing feeling and hearing and let me guide myself into la la land to avoid pain, guilt, shock, trauma, uncomfortableness.

    Was me shutting down all my body's and mind's fault? To an extent yes. I have always had a good imagination and I've always been very creative, but I've also learned how to handle things by my parents.

    My dad was and is an addict. I would learn nothing from handling hard situations from him. He would isolate into history books or he would attack people or things he could control i.e. kids, wife, punching walls, break things. Is he fully to blame? No. And where did he learn his behavior? From his parents.

    My mom didn't know how to handle hard situations either. When ever she was faced with something hard, she isolated inside herself by not talking and living in her own head. She wasn't good with emotions. She didn't know how. And when she did speak when she was in a hard situation, it was full of passive aggressiveness. Is she fully to blame? No. She too learned her behavior from her parents.

    If it sounds like I'm trying to pass the blame, I'm not. At age 8 I was baptized and held accountable for my own actions. I do believe that just like an alcoholic still has a choice and still has some judgment, his perception is not clear. Looking through a glass darkly. Lust addicts are the same way. So is being raised by the foolish traditions of your fathers.

   Yesterday I confronted shame all day long. I'd start in on the "I'm bad" talk, realize I was doing it, change to the "I did something bad" go for a few minutes with a more positive attitude, and then the "I'm bad" phrase would slip back in almost unnoticed.

    It got me thinking about how I try to keep up the appearance of knowing and doing the right thing. For example, ever since I found out that one of my negative core beliefs was that I am not good enough, I'd try to act like it didn't affect me anymore. When my wife would ask if I was feeling like my negative core belief was true, I'd say no because I felt like I knew it wasn't true so I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

    This is a lie. I was thinking yesterday on how it would be impossible for me to assume that my negative core belief would change just with the understanding of it. I've been telling myself and believing that I wasn't good enough for almost 30 years. One day of realizing I've got it wrong doesn't change 20+ years of programming.

   Why do I fight with guilt and shame? Because I don't know how to do hard things. Working with guilt is hard. Maybe for the godly man it isn't, but for the addict is the plague. I've never dealt with it and taken it in and let it help me. I've always run from it.

     And that goes for everything hard. I'd daydream my way through, or fantasize, or lust, or look at porn, or act out. So really, since I learned how to evade hard things as a child, I'm running into hard things now and trying to get through them without the "drugs" to keep me from feeling how hard they are. What's more is its like using my underdeveloped child's mind to work through these hard things because I never developed how to.

       So, I don't know how to do hard things, (which is probably all important things) but at least I'm present enough to know that I don't know how to do them.

        One thing I've realized, affirmations help. Seriously. I've been telling myself I'm bad for so long, it's not going to change by itself. I need to tell myself good things as much as possible to at least negate the bad things I've told myself. It actually helps!

Is Lust okay for "Normal" Men? My Comment to Some Comments on an Article in Rowboat and Marbles

I commented on rowboat and marbles to this post and its comments:  http://rowboatandmarbles.org/fifty-shades-of-grey-two-shades-of-lust.html

I know it might be kind of cheesy to post my comment to a post, but it was so long and I thought the information might be beneficial to some. So here it is. 

I’m addicted to Lust, I’m also addicted to food. Like Andrew has said before, I don’t know how “normal” men perceive lust. I don’t know if it can ever be a healthy thing, just like eating a supersized triple cheese burger and an ice cream Sunday are ever healthy. Sure the burger isn’t killing you by itself, but is it healthy? I’ve heard about people that “role play”, that watch “sexy movies”, and wear lingerie to seduce or entice their spouse.  I could be wrong, like I said, I’m not a “normal” guy. But WHY do these people initiate these types of behavior? WHY is wearing lingerie a turn on for certain men? If they are normal and don’t have any form of lust addiction and it isn’t a problem then why do it? Is it for “fun”? If it’s for fun, why is it necessary? If their completely satisfied with their relationship without these activities, then what is the point in doing them?
     To me, and I’m an addict so I don’t know NMB (“Normal” Man Behavior). If these activities give someone something “extra” to their relationship. A way of “bonding” that wasn’t present before, it stands to reason that there is something lacking and is trying to be made up for? That’s just my thoughts on it.
    And about shame, I don’t know if someone can really shame someone else if they aren’t meaning to. I know there are people that like to shame others. In my experience most addicts had parents that were good at this. But are there people that just feel shame when someone says something that triggers something the person already feels shameful about?
    Like I went to the doctor the other day saw how much a weighed, most I’ve ever weighed in my life, and I felt totally ashamed. I went through a couple days of feeling shameful and not realizing why until I remembered how I felt at the doctor’s. They didn’t do anything to shame me. I was already there.
    I know that’s kind of getting off the subject so I’ll go back to lust. I guess I don’t see the point in going on a website that is about lust addiction and then getting on someone for assuming that everyone has an addiction to lust. I would guess that most “normal” men, (and I use these quotations not as a pun or putdown or with any sarcasm. I now that being “normal” isn’t really normal because everyone is different. That’s why I put quotations around the “normal”, I’m just saying “normal” as in, people who don’t have an addiction.) anyways, I would guess that most “normal” men wouldn’t even be looking for this site or reading too far into it because they wouldn’t need to.
    I don’t believe that the Mormon church has more addicts than non-LDS people. I just believe that most of the rest of the world doesn’t see a big deal in masturbation, lust, sex, pornography, and so don’t ever answer surveys about it.
    I don’t know if there’s really a genuine point for what I have to say in this comment, just that my feelings were hurt that someone would suggest a little bit of lust is okay and saying their an addict also. I just don’t get it I guess. I think drinking any amount of alcohol is unhealthy. Sure, they may not go drop dead drunk, but going over the healthy prospects of drinking a little bit of alcohol, or that just a little bit doesn’t hurt, makes no difference if God decreed us not to drink it. God didn’t say, “If thou lusteth in thy heart it is the same….unless it’s with your wife, then a little bit is okay.” I think he asks us to stay away from these things because they have the ability to impair judgment. Because they have the ability to take away our control. They take away our ability to act, and not be acted upon. It’s the same with everything. When I am hungry and stop at a Carls Jr. or Burger King, that whopper meal supersized with a caffeinated beverage has power over me. I am acted upon by the thought of deliciousness. And that’s because I feel like the larger and juicier the meal, the further away from stress I’ll be.
    God wants us to be agents unto ourselves. That means that anything that exerts power over us makes us unfit for the kingdom of God. Whether it’s an addiction or not. Does overeating keep me from obeying the commandments? No. Does acting on lust keep me from obeying the commandments? Absolutely.
    Lust creates a false reality in me. If my wife wore lingerie, I would be looking at the fantasy of my wife, which isn’t my wife. If we role played it would be the same. If we watched sexy movies it would be the same. And for me to think that a little bit of lust is okay if I’m “normal” that just opens the doorway for me to lie to myself later on when I have long term sobriety. I’ll think, “well normal men can lust just a little bit. I’ve been sober for a long time, so I’m sure I can lust just a little bit.” And since so many men are addicted to lust, that 5% that isn’t probably doesn’t mind that I think as if everyone is on the path to becoming addicted to lust, or working on their lust addiction.

My comment

I read one of Andrew's newest blogs on http://rowboatandmarbles.org/blog   and I was reading this post: http://rowboatandmarbles.org/getting-real-about-masturbation.html

especially the comments at the bottom. I think all addicts should leave a comment for Andrew. Here's mine. 

I am LDS and I don’t live in Utah. I was raised Mormon but inactive. I’m addicted to lust/porn/masturbation/sex. I went through varying degrees of activity in the church. Especially once I was caught in my lies about pornography consumption and my addiction came to light. I started going to church all the time. And  I began to feel guilty about “church stuff”. For instance, I would forget to pray at night, and then while lying in bed I’d realize I forgot to pray and feel guilty that I forgot to pray and told myself that if I didn’t pray I wasn’t doing the right thing and then most likely my day would suck tomorrow. So I’d pray, but I’d pray in bed, and then I’d feel guilty that I was praying in bed and not on my knees. Did that mean I didn’t really care? Was I offending God? Was he disappointed that I wasn’t showing him the proper sign of respect? That must mean that tomorrow my day would most likely suck and it would be my fault. So I got out of bed and got on my knees and prayed. And then, afterwards, I’d feel “guilty” I guess I should change all the times I’ve said “guilty” in this post to shameful.  I’d feel shameful because I hadn’t addressed God in “thee” and “thou”. Wasn’t I supposed to do that? Dang. That must mean that my prayer wasn’t that important and that God wasn’t going to help me, and it was all my fault. These shame cycles happened most when I went to church and read scriptures and all that on a regular basis.
     Recently, like just last year, I realized something profound. God didn’t want me to feel shameful about doing “churchy” stuff. In fact, in my opinion, God would rather me NOT do those things, then to do them because I didn’t want to feel shame for doing them. So I stopped. I stopped doing a lot of “churchy” things and kept working on sobriety and step work and addiction material. I even stopped going to church.
      Guess what, I started to feel like going to church. I started to feel like reading my scriptures. I started to feel like praying. Do I do these things 100% all the time? No, but I can say that for myself, I’ve come so much closer to God.
      Why am I talking about all of this? Because I agree with Andrew. Masturbation is bad for me. That’s a fact that I live by. I don’t have an “addiction” because the church told me I did. In fact most church members and even some higher officials would say that I DON’T have an addiction. I haven’t gone to massage parlors, I haven’t gone to strip clubs, I haven’t even bought pornographic material. I’ve viewed LOTS of it and acted out to LOTS of it. But not as much as I’ve masturbated to my IMAGINATION.
    This is what it does to me. Viewing sexual things on a computer screen, tv, book, or primarily my brain, with or without actually masturbating, (its all still masturbating to me, because like Andrew said, if I’m stimulating a sex organ, with anyone other than my wife, I’m breaking the law of Chastity.) It makes me desire that type of fantasy more than reality. I WANT it to be my reality. And then I begin to live my life as if that FANTASY should be REALITY. And the impossible truth is that it will never be that way because fantasy isn’t reality.
    I begin to feel depressed, rejected, not of worth or importance, and carry HUGE resentments because reality isn’t what I think it should be, which is my reality. This causes me to assume that my wife must not love me because she doesn’t act how I think she should. My kids don’t act how I think they should; my boss doesn’t act how I think he should. And I in turn become passive aggressive and disconnect from those around me. This also makes me WANT to seek that type of life. I daydream more often; I seek out opportunities to engage with women. (nothing sexual, just eye contact, smiles, friendly conversations, etc)
    This will kill me. I might end up contracting a disease, I might go to the wrong part of town and get killed, I might get so distraught and depressed that I’ll kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF THE MASTURBATION, but because of the perceived injustice of my reality. But most likely, I will live out the rest of my days alone in an apartment or small house with no friends or family, but a house FULL of pornography. This is going to happen. This isn’t a friendly “healthy” past time.
     In fact, I don’t think anyone that is satisfied and content and truly happy with their life goes home and says, “YOU KNO WHAT? I think I’m going to look at porn and jack off because it will make my day THAT MUCH MORE SPECIAL!” That seems like an impossibility to me. Maybe that’s because I can’t perceive what a normal person thinks.
      I’m addicted. And it’s like a cancer. If I don’t take my “pills” and go in for “treatments” and have “check-ups” with my “doctor”, it will not stay in remission, it will kill me. People that have leprosy have an exercise that they have to do ALL the time. It’s called VSE; meaning Visual Surveillance of Extremities. They do this because they lose feeling in their limbs and sometimes don’t realize that they’ve hurt themselves until the wound has festered and rotted. It is the most important thing to maintaining good health for a leprosy patient. You have to live it, think it, do it, all the time. I think of maintaining sobriety as the same thing. It’s got to be kept in the forefront of my mind, why? Because like the leprosy patient whose nerve endings are dead so he can’t feel pain, I’ve got to look at the actions I take, the thoughts I think, and where my eyes go. ALL THE TIME. And not even that, I’ve got to rely on someone else whose been where I’m at and whose a lot longer in sobriety than me to be able to see the things I am doing/not doing because I’m so blinded by my false reality, my desire for fantasy.
     Why? Because I’m addicted.  I could care less what someone says about masturbation being healthy and that “studies show…” because its (the masturbation/acting on lust) is killing me. I’ve witnessed it. Like the leper that sees their body parts and skin falling off, this is happening to me.
   This website is for those suffering from an addiction to lust or who want to know about it from the people that  are addicted. And its been a great help to me. 

When Do I Relapse? Part 2

I have been thinking about the question, when do I start my sobriety date over? If not being vulnerable and sharing my feelings is considered to be a relapse, do I need to start my sobriety date over? If I've looked at anything with the intent to seek stimulus, i.e. porn, bikinis, brazillian butt lift infomercials, etc. ANYTHING WITH THE INTENT TO SEEK STIMULUS. I was going to say self stimulus, but I started looking stuff up before on how to stimulate my wife, which is also wrong. ANY FORM OF SEEKING STIMULUS other than sex with wife (and even then it shouldn't be for self-stimulus sake) yeah, you relapsed, I relapsed and need to change my sobriety date. Even if I wasn't "intentionally" looking for it, but found it and looked at it for awhile and then exited. It's still a relapse.
     But as far as when do I need to set my sobriety date if I haven't been vulnerable and open and emotional with my wife, Honestly I this is an interesting question. I would like to say, "do what you think is right," but in complete honesty, us addicts think anything that helps us hide and isolate is right. haha.
     So I think what needs to happen in this case, is to come clean to your spouse. Tell her how you've been feeling if you haven't talked to her in a long time. Let her know how close you've come to acting out. It may not be that far. Maybe fantasy ideas just pop into your head more often than usual because you aren't feeling in sync with reality. These fantasy suggestions are always going to come if we don't share our feelings. And these fantasy suggestions will turn into fantasy thoughts, and these fantasy thoughts are going to warp reality, and our warped reality is going to build our resentments, and our resentments are going to help us isolate, and our isolation will help us look for visual stimulus to go along with our fantasy stimulus, and then we will physically act out.
    Guys always talk about how you should discuss with your sponsor before you tell your wife whatever you have to tell her. I think this is BS. Tell your wife what she wants to know, because I know my wife is going to find out either way, but isn't it better to tell her how I'm feeling as apposed to already screwing up completely and then telling her? Heck yeah.
     So what I think is the best bet, since I'm the addict and my perception of reality is completely FUBAR, I need to tell my wife how I've been feeling for the past however long I haven't been vulnerable and open with her, and tell her the affects of how this emotional isolation has affected me. Has it made me resentful, has it made these fantasy suggestions more prevalent in my mind, and then let her know that since I'm afraid to trust my own judgement, would she be able to help me decide if I need to start my sobriety date over?
    I can see a lot of guys being scared of this. A lot of us assume that our wives secretly hate us and think we are doing a lot worse that WE think we really are. If I am honest and open with myself, my wife is usually a better judge of my sobriety than I am. Guaranteed. As much as it hurts me to admit that, it's true. I'm sure there MAY be in some cases a wife who is completely off in that respect, and even as I say this I can imagine many of us addicts nodding and saying that OUR wife is the lunatic. Either way, does it really matter?
    Here's what I've been thinking. WHO CARES ABOUT CHANGING A SOBRIETY DATE? I mean, all of us addicts do. We like to hold it as a badge of honor. But really, what's the honor in it? We've already jacked up our family. We've destroyed everything. What's a month of a year of sobriety going to do that 20+ years of destruction hasn't undone?
     Like I've stated previously, its all about a change in behavior. If you talk with your wife, and she thinks you should change your sobriety date, is that a bad thing? Does that mean that you AREN'T a good person or changing or learning? No, it means that a date is changed and the number of days of sobriety you have are changed. Is that important? And if it is important? Ask yourself WHY? Why is holding a sobriety date so important? "Because it shows how much time I have away from acting out in my addiction!" Yeah, but in all honesty, you can go a year without acting out, or two, or three, or five, but if you eventually come back around to your addiction, that "sobriety" that was held in between doesn't really matter. It just means that the addiction cycle was still working within you. Behavior change shows true sobriety which is headed toward recovery.
     And think of it, how awesome is your wife going to feel when first you actually open up and be vulnerable to her, and then along with that, ask for her advice? Yeah she's still upset that you haven't shared yourself with her, yeah she might be mad about whatever actions you took in heading toward your addiction, but when you come to her you are showing her that you made a mistake and that you can't fix it on your own and that you know that you need consequences.
     As I write this I think of all the excuses I want to make for myself, "but I want to be a sponsor! If I set my sobriety date back, I wont be able to do that!" So? The more time in sobriety you have, the better sponsor you will be. And if I'm so desirous to be a sponsor? Why? is that because I want to feel good? Or because I want to help others. And if I want to help others, shouldn't I wait to be sure I'm actually on the road to recovery, so I'm not the blind leading the blind?
     "But you don't understand! My wife really doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety, She hates me!" So? If you don't trust your wife and think she hates you why are you working on your marriage? If she is SO against you, why stay with her? Whereas if you love your wife, and she "doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety" wouldn't asking her for help in deciding your sobriety date help heal that wound?
    And for those of you working the 90 day program, i don't know how any of what I've ever said would fit in for you. I don't believe in the 90 day program so I'm not trying to fit anything into that structured thing.
   Also, tell your sponsor. Discuss it with them too. Maybe get their input and bring that to your wife as well. Maybe that will help her have a better basis for helping you. I'm still learning this all too.
   So I'd say, when it comes down to not sharing your feelings and vulnerability for any amount of time over 24 hours, talk about it with your wife. Let her into your world and let her help. She really does love you and WANTS to help you. And if you aren't married, or aren't in a position to be able to talk with your wife right now, talk to a Sponsor and other men with years of sobriety. Not guys that are in the same place you are. Anyways, I hope the best for all of you!

When do i really relapse?

So I've been thinking about my relapse. I am definitely grateful to the addiction book: Sitting in a Row boat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship. Because it helped me take a step back and realize when the acting out really occurred. I didn't physically act out, by some people's standards i technically didn't even look at porn. There's been a few guys from my meetings who believe i didn't do anything wrong.
   But i did something wrong. I looked at images, was triggered, and decided to keep on looking. It's like Andrew's book says about the alcoholic that has the drink in front of him but doesn't drink it, yet imagines it in his hand, imagines the taste in his mouth, imagines how it will make him feel. He's triggering the same chemical reactions in his body as if he were drinking it.
   That's what i did. Yeah, the physical acting out might have added the repetitive nature and programming of the desire, but the viewing of it put me in an altered state of mind that was not reality. This altered state would make it easier to physically act out.This altered state i had resisted for months and it was getting easier and easier to stay away from it and also to recognize what was happening earlier on and being able to back out before it was too late.
   So i acted out. Triggered and followed old patterns, thus making them new. Thus making them more familiar again. Thus making my mind act as if i HAD physically acted out.
   I used to think that a relapse was physically acting out. i.e. masturbation. But came to the realization that if i kept that the definition of a relapse, i'd just keep on masturbating. Why? Because the viewing of pornography (ANY triggering material that i view with the intent to lust) would inevitably lead me to acting out physically anyway. Why? Because viewing it and imagining it creates the same chemical responses and makes them stronger.
   So now i have to set down the new rule/guideline to keep me away from even viewing that stuff. Because if viewing it is a relapse, then i need to take a step back from that.
   That must mean that the actions i take before viewing pornography are relapse actions right?
   So, what were those actions? If i go through my actions and view them with no blame and in the full light of reality, and go through them with a sponsor, and even my wife, i realized that it all comes down to honesty/vulnerability.
   If i am not vulnerable with my feelings, and i am not honest about them, i will relapse. That is a fact. I need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it as complete fact. There is no way around it.
   What does that mean? I have to be "weak" and vulnerable to my wife, to my sponsor, to other men in the program. I've got to be open. I HAVE to be an open book. Writing it in my journal isn't enough. And i have to be honest to the point of blaming myself. Accepting that my anxiety, frustrations, anger, is all mine. All of it.
   Here's my personal example. I was telling my wife that i didn't share my feelings with her because i knew how she would respond. (First off do i actually know how she's going to respond each time? Of course not. This is another example of fantasy being seen as reality.)
   I said she would respond with a half hearted, "I'm sorry hun," as she continued doing whatever else she was doing.
   When i told her this she said, "you can't blame this on me."
   I went on to assure her that i wasn't blaming her because i knew i was supposed to tell her how i was feeling, but that i decided not to.
   After going back and forth for awhile, her understanding more and more how very much insane i am, and confused as to why i didn't think i was blaming, and me completely confident that i wasn't blaming, she then said, "if you knew what you should do despite my actions then you would have done it."
   I disagreed yet again. I said that i knew what i should do, but decided not to tell her anyway. Her response was, "why?"
   My first response, classic addict response, "i don't know." But then i thought about it. U knew i should tell her but since i thought i knew what her response would be, i decided not to.
   I WAS blaming her. I decided i wouldn't share my feelings because of the actions i thought she would take. So, i decided not to share my feelings based on HER actions.
   Maybe to normal people, this was obvious, but to me it wasn't. This revelation exploded in my brain. I WAS blaming her, but in a sneaky way that i didn't even realize i was doing.
   She was right. If i knew i should tell her no matter what, then i would have. Why? Because I'd have NO REASON NOT TO!
   I was just looking at my decision not to tell her as if that was me accepting blame, but in reality i was accepting blame for not telling her based on how i thought she would act, which isn't accepting blame, but putting it on her! If i didn't think of how she would react, and came up on the thought, "i know i should tell my wife..." then i would have just told my wife.
   This sent my thoughts on to everything else I'd done (or hadn't done) in the past, or even present. Things that i thought i was accepting blame for but really wasn't.
1. I "accepted" blame for choosing not to go to church because i find it boring and because one of my children were sick. But this isn't accepting blame. This is stating that church is boring and one of my kids is sick, and THOSE are the reasons i don't go. I'm blaming it on them.
2. I haven't been working the program because I've been busy with work and kids and don't have a lot of time. I'm blaming work and kids and time.

I have to accept full responsibility, that's the only way to commit to right action. So, relapsing will be when i don't share my feelings and being vulnerable, but I'm probably going to have to put a time limit on it, as in, within 24hrs. We'll practice at this and see how it goes.

ALSO: heard a few people ask about when and how to decide about changing a sobriety date. I was going to write the answer as a comment but it got too long. I made the When Do I Relapse? Part 2 specifically in regards to this question.

I relapsed

I just needed to let you know. over the past couple months, I relapsed. I looked at some things I shouldn't have, on google maps of all places. I lied to my wife. she found out today. what a wonderful Christmas present I've given her. I am an a******. I am a lie. I destroy everything I touch. so my wife and I are separating tomorrow. the sad thing is that once again, it wasn't that I looked anything up, it was that I lied about it. all I had to do was tell her the truth. let that be a lesson to the rest of you.

Is Everything Gray or Black and White?

Can I just say something real quick? This wont take long. (well, who knows, it could.) But I am really sick of people stating that things aren't black and white. I've heard some people talk, I've read some blogs, and I've almost gotten into a debate with some guy who was somehow trying to tell me that masturbating sometimes can be okay, its not always black and white. All of these are members of the church by the way.

   And I guess I'm just kind of baffled by this. Addiction isn't black and white? Certain things in an addict's life are a gray area? God's ways are a gray area? WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

   I have LIVED MY LIFE in that gray area. Or wait, let me restate. I have LIVED MY LIFE believing there was a gray area. As an addict I want to believe everything is gray. 

   "Well, I was having a sex dream...soooo...its okay to finish..."

   "Man my day has been sooooo stressful, this is really helping me..."

   "This will all go away after I'm married..."

   "If I take photos/videos of my wife, or THINK about my wife while masturbating, its okay..."

   "I feel like the spirit says its okay to masturbate because..."

   "I looked at porn and masturbated, but its been SOOO long since I did it the last time, and I don't plan on doing it again, so I don't need to tell my wife/bishop/sponsor..."

   "Its okay if I slip if I learn something from it..."

   Gray areas...I believe gray areas are fabrications we make to get away with something we know is wrong. 

   "Well he didn't specify that masturbation is wrong in every instance...so...this must be one of those instances..."

    I was talking with a kid once who was getting ready to go on a mission, he said he had a problem with pornography and masturbation and was wondering if he needed to tell his bishop and get things straightened out before he goes. I basically said, HELL YES.

   People didn't like that. I was told by someone that if everyone decided to stay home from their mission because they had a masturbation problem then no one would go on missions. My response. GOOD. At least they were willing to be honest and get help. In fact, I think it's safe to say that God would rather you be honest with yourself and stay home and get help and then see if you want to go on a mission, rather than go on one and have loads of regret later. 

    Someone wanted to know if masturbating to pictures of their wife was a sin or not. Hahaha. I said yes. Others said it depends. Others said it was a gray area. Like Nephi killing Laban. I think they were trying to equate killing Laban to murder, which are two different things entirely. 

    I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble. But there really isn't a gray area. God is very straight forward, God is very black and white. If you sin you are damned. If you follow the precepts and commandments of God perfectly, you are saved. 

   I can already see what will happen if I say this in Priesthood. There would be an uproar as people try to clarify. But that is the ultimate clarity. God cannot allow sin in the LEAST degree. He doesn't say that little sins are okay. He doesn't say that if there's no other way and you feel like you HAVE to sin, its okay. He says NO SIN. NONE. ZERO. 

  But...what...what if you are starving, and your family is starving, and so you steal food. That's okay. Right?

  No. I'm sure that in some aspects of it, Christ will take your sin upon himself, but it's still a sin. 

  God knows that we love to believe in gray areas. That's why he gave us 10 definite commandments to start off with, and then continues to give us more to build off of. 

   But we know for certain that God said there is NO ALLOWANCE for sin and that ALL SIN COMES WITH A PUNISHMENT AFFIXED. These are rules that even God can't get around. Sin is sin and there is a price affixed to every sin.

   What does that mean for us the sinners? That we are damned, but saved ONLY on the merits of Jesus Christ. What does that mean? We know that the sin MUST BE PAID FOR. God can't wave the fee. When He talks about blotting out our sins in the big book, he isn't erasing them from existence. He is TRANSFERRING the sin to someone else. The price MUST be paid. There is no way around it. So if we do our best in the repentance process and stop doing the sin that we are doing, what happens to that price? Christ pays that price. 

   I don't know what a "normal" person can do. I stopped being normal before I knew how to write.  I'm an addict and so I can only say what I know about being an addict. For us, the addicted, the more "gray" areas we believe are in our lives, the worse off we'll be.

   The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were great at understanding this. They knew even to get out of the gray areas. Sure, they could have KEPT their swords, their weapons of war. They could have used them to cut their fields, chop wood, etc. They could have kept the metal around long enough to melt them down and form them into something else. But they knew one thing that I as an addict still struggle with, Life is a lot easier when you live in black and white. It might seem like it sucks, but addicts NEED routine, stability, rules. These people KNEW that there might be even the SLIGHTEST most TINIEST desire to pick up that sword and hurt someone. That even using that sword as a tool for cutting wood or whatever would REMIND them of their addiction to blood lust. That even shaping it into a new completely harmless tool, would still trigger their minds to how things WERE. 

   So they completely got rid of them. End of story. What does that mean for me as an addict to lust and pornography? What are my weapons? Well, I've seen a lot of bad stuff on tv. I've acted out to a lot of bad stuff on tv. Now my tv is password protected. There are I believe only 4 tv channels that are not locked on my tv. And 3 of those are the disney channels, the 4th is the BYU channel. Not only that, but its password protected for shows TV-7Y and up. So yeah, I'm stuck with Doc McStuffins and Sophia the first, Micky Mouse Club house (I hate that show so much) and my all time favorite Disney Channel show, Octonauts. So I can only watch normal tv when my wife is home and around. Does it suck? OH MY GOSH. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW BAD IT SUCKS. Especially when my wife is gone with her friends or out of town, and all I have to watch is disney cartoons or byu. (oh wait, we do have that baby first channel unlocked). Do I sometimes want to shoot myself. Yes. But is it worth it. YES. YES. YES. YES. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to have free reign over the tv. We thought just blocking rated R shows and above would be enough in the past, but then I relapsed to infomercials and lame stuff. So no, I can't handle that. 

   I don't have an ipad. Our home computer is locked and I can't get on it unless my wife is with me. I cannot access the internet or 99% of the apps on my phone. I do not have an xbox. Why? Because I can't handle them. I love art, but do I have art books in my home that show provocative  material, even greek statues? no, because I can't trust myself. Does it suck. Yeah it can. But how do I feel about myself. OOOOOh man I feel so free in some ways. 

   Am I saying all of you should do this? Heck I don't know. Am I trying to brag? No, i'm trying to tell you I am so far into my addiction that I'll act out on INFOMERCIALS AND ANCIENT GREEK STATUES! That's how messed up my head is.

   Now I can only try and base working toward recovery based off of what others have done that works. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis had to give up opportunity to reestablish a correct perception of agency. They had to eliminate the gray areas. Would defending their families a sin? No, but the chance that fighting could affect them negatively was there. even if it was a sliver. Even after their change of heart. 

   I don't know about "normal" people. Maybe they can masturbate and feel like God thinks its okay. Maybe they can not mention it to their bishop or their wives. I don't know. but I do know, for an addict. There are no gray areas. There can be no gray areas. Would having an ipad be beneficial for my family and children? Help them learn and play, absolutely. But its not worth it here. 

   Sin is sin. The price you have to pay might be big or small, but all sin keeps us away from God's presence. 

   God doesn't say its okay to sin sometimes. He doesn't say that sometimes self sexual gratification is good, depending on the circumstance. He says no. Addicts can't trust their own thinking. Why? Because we will talk us into acting out EVERY TIME. Our brains are broken after all.

   

Great Expectations; Great Resentments

For some reason, being an addict helps me have great expectations. I don't know why because my expectations are always ridiculously high. I had a sponsor tell me that "expectations are just resentments in disguise." Or something like that.
   It's so true.
   I know alot of it comes from the fact that I'm an addict, and one thing addiction does really well is distort reality.
   I read in "out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes about a high up city official that was a sex addict. One night on the way home he stopped at a red light. He looked over at the lady in the car next to him just as she looked over at him. They smiled, a bit embarrassed, and looked forward again.
   This guy was a little happier. She'd smiled at him. Maybe she liked him. The light turned green and they drive on, only to hit another red light, where they again looked at each other and laughed. This time he was sure she liked him. Why else was she driving at the same speed as him?
   They drove on, still around the same speed, when he thought maybe she wanted him to follow her. She sped up and got in front of him and he was sure to stay behind her. She pulled over and gestured him forward. He pulled over and started to get out when she drove on.
   The man "realized" she had been signaling him to follow her, so he did. He started thinking about where she was taking him. Was it to a hotel? Was it her place?
   Finally she pulled over next to a building and jumped out and started running up the steps. He thought she probably didn't want anyone to see them together, that's why she was hurrying.
   When he got out of his car and looked up at the building, he realized it was a police station! She hadn't been trying to get him to follow her, she'd been scared out of her mind and felt in danger.
   This is one of the things pornography does to us. Living in fantasy distorts reality. It also gives us expectations of what life and everything else should do for us, including our wives.
   Now pornography isn't the only thing. Religion played a big part in how i thought my wife should be. So did watching too many romance movies. (Why did i watch romance movies? Because girls liked romance movies and i thought that they'd think i was sooo cute for watching them...yeah...expectations.)
   I've had lots of resentment towards my wife. I've had lots of resentment towards my dad, mom, family, strangers, bosses, co-workers, etc. I would just start getting angry at everyone. (Still do sometimes! I haven't conquered this.)
   Took me long enough and some therapy to realize that my great expectations were indeed just resentments in the making. Why? Because NOTHING EVER LIVES UP TO FANTASY. Why? Because it's FANTASY! i.e. NOT REAL.
  One day my therapist told me to list some of my wife's (mrs. Mouse) characteristics. Good and bad. I said this like:
smart
beautiful
attention to detail
inquisitive (this was good and bad haha)
always late
oblivious
anti-romantic
selfish, spiritual
exclusive of her feelings
etc.
(Remember I'm am addict. In reality my wife can be completely different.)
   Then he asked, "give me the characteristics of what a wife SHOULD be like to you."
   This was alot easier. Hadn't i been daydreaming about this most of my life? My list looked similar to this:
Beautiful
Caring
Supportive
Patient
Loving
Great sense of humor
Etc.
    And then he asked, "which one of these is reality? Mrs. Mouse or your expectations?"
   Well if course it was Mrs. Mouse. That was the problem! Then he asked, "I'm not saying mrs. Mouse didn't have character flaws to change, but who is really to blame when you feel resentful when mrs. Mouse didn't act like your expectations of your perfect wife?"
   It was a good slap in the face.
   You see, my resentments had grown and grown because my wife wasn't living up to my great expectations. She was mrs. Mouse, not fantasy mrs. Mouse. She would NEVER be fantasy mrs. Mouse. Why? Because fantasy mrs. Mouse wasn't real.
   So these times i came home, for some reason thinking that my wife could keep the house clean with 4 kids under the age of 8, and have dinner ready and the clothes washed, and be in happy romantic spirits, was unrealistic? Was i preparing to spend an evening with my "dream" wife, and Mrs. Mouse shower up instead?
   Yes, and in return i would punish my REAL wife with depression, resentment, silence, anger, and frustration. Why? Because she ruined the happy fantasy land i wanted to be in when she didn't act how i EXPECTED her to act.
   I am the one ruining my own life. No one can ruin it for me.
   So when i begin to feel resentment with my wife, or children, or family, or even friends, i have to stop and think, "okay, who or what an i expecting to take place? Am i expecting my daydream or reality? Kids aren't quite and they don't always listen and they always interrupt when I'm wanting to do something for myself. They don't vanish into nonexistence until i want to give them attention. My wife in reality; has her own personality and hobbies and things she likes to do and things she has to do. She isn't the fake imagining of my heart that is completely devoted to me and nothing else.
   And what am i expecting of myself? What is the reality of me? And i patient, kind, and loving? A great husband and great father? No. I'm impatient, selfish, fearful, prone to irritation and annoyance. Do i expect myself to come home and be the happy husband that kisses his family and gives them his full attention, and then when i get home find resentment towards myself because i don't feel like i expect I'm supposed to feel? Yeah. I'm that guy. I'm the addict that wants to pretend to be the perfect husband and priesthood holder. The only difference is i can work on myself. I can't work on others.
   Our expectations and reality are always at odds. Anyone who goes to Disneyland understands this. (I thought the castle would be a lot bigger) doesn't mean we all won't enjoy our time there. It just means we expected something different. For an addict we depend so much on our fantasy for emotional stability and when reality shows us how wrong we are, we resent the true.
   It makes me think back on my whole life and the resentments i had for people. That had to manifest in how i interacted with people and that's something i didn't think about with step 4.
   And these expectations can be negative too. When I'm feeling anxious or stressed, my world goes upside down. Mrs. Mouse turns into the wicked witch, whose only goal in life is to accuse, attack, and try and perform inception on me so that i kill myself with depression, thinking it was my idea when it's really hers. When I'm in that frame of mind SHE'S the addict and I'm the humble husband trying to recover. And my kids are secretly TRYING to destroy my life. No one likes me and everyone at church points at me behind my back and calls me filthy and unclean. (Even writing this I'm thinking, "well that probably IS true." Haha)
   So what do we do? When that panic starts rolling in like a broken record playing scratchy noises, before we act on the resentment that our great expectations have turned into. Take a time out. Go into your bathroom, splash child water in your face, take deep breaths, look yourself in the mirror and say, "this has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. It's about me," and then tell your wife your having a panic attack. (Because that's what it is. The flight or fight response before we turn into the hulk and smash everything) call or text someone or someones. Vulnerability is the answer. Instead of trying to run from the impending doom, instead of attacking it with tooth and nail. Be vulnerable, fall down on your knees, bear your chest, and let it kill you. Don't run, don't fight. Let the truth of your feelings be known, and let yourself be run through, gutted, eviscerated, because that will always be better for us than being acted upon by the shock of failed expectations and resentments.
   Death is better than picking up that sword if picking up that sword means there's the slightest tiniest chance of helping your addiction in any way.
   Isn't it?

Recovery: Being Born Again

So here is something i hear alot about from other addicts and the spouses of addicts pertaining to the "no slips in recovery" argument:

-"I don't agree with the no slips in recovery because it's demoralizing."
-"The addict feels like they have to be perfect, which makes them feel hopeless."
-"They won't try because it seems impossible"

There's more, but they come to the same types of conclusions.
Now, I'm not in recovery. I'm not close to being in recovery. I've got a little over 9 months of sobriety. So i can't tell you what someone in true recovery can tell you. I've never experienced life at that level. I can say that while I've believed this, (that there are no slips in recovery) my sobriety has been the longest ever, and the people i know in the different sex addiction programs, some of them my good friends, who believe that slips are ok, maintain a few weeks of sobriety at a time.

Sobriety and Recovery, what's the difference?

I keep coming back to the Anti-Nephi-Lehis when i think of recovery and working toward recovery.
   In the Book of Mormon these anti-nephi-lehis used to be lamanites who were addicted to the shedding of blood. They didn't just like killing, they were ADDICTED to it.
   When i think of being addicted to lust, i think about how i acted and everything i did to satisfy that hunger. And to think that these guys, like me, must have had their minds on it all day everyday, that's crazy.
    But they found God and were born again. They became new creatures. Their very identities changed. But they were smart. They took the things that helped satisfy their lust for blood, and buried them.
   I find it interesting. They were just swords. They could have used them for other things. Could even have melted then down. Beaten them to plow shares. A sword can be a very useful too. It can protect the innocent. So why bury them?
   Because there was a chance, just a chance, that picking up that sword could trigger them. That is true recovery.