There's this thing in PASG/ARP called the “90 Day Program”.
It is different than the 90 Day Program of AA and SA where you go to 90
meetings in 90 days.
The 90 Day
Program of ARP is a program of going through and completing the steps and
becoming a sponsor in 90 days. If it sounds insane, it's because it is.
In my time going
to PASG meetings I've met plenty of guys who work the 90 Day Program. There is
almost no one among them who has any amount of sobriety and more importantly,
positive behavior change. I've seen a lot claim such things, some claim to have
large amounts of sobriety, all of them I trust about as far as I can throw a
piano.
I know, I know.
First off, we're all addicts at these meetings and all of us are liars.
Definitely true. But I do know when someone is being humble and there is huge
character change and growth. You can't help but see it. I'm not talking about
the, “He doesn't yell at the kids anymore!” Type deal. I'm talking about the
guy that changes behavior so much that he begins to learn empathy. Who doesn't
just stop yelling at them, but learns to understand them, feel their pain with
them, and comforts them.
At first my
feelings for the ARP 90 Day Program were just confusion. Why shove through it
at break neck speed? If we are going to be doing this for the rest of our
lives, why try and get through it as fast as possible. Why work a program that
makes you use the internet morning and night? You want me to email you every
morning and every night? When I first started in the program, just seeing a
computer with internet access was triggering for me.
Then I began to
see a pattern. Guys would either a) work the 90 Day Program and change, but not
for the better. They got cocky, prideful, and more dishonest. They turned into
the robots at PASG meetings that talked about the “right"way to work the
program and nothing was wrong with them ever after. They turned into the vast
majority of guys in my elders quorum. Or b) they'd relapse right around their
90 Day mark.
Friends of mine
who had worked it and then failed or stopped would say, “ya but it really did
good at forcing my to do my dailies.”
Forcing?
“Yeah, forcing me
to get up and do the dailies, or else I'd have to tell my sponsor that I didn't
and then get chewed out.”
Chewed out?
Forced? Didn't sound great to me. When I asked, “Shouldn't a good sponsor try
and help you do the dailies anyway?” They'd get this confused look on their
face. “Yeah I guess so?”
Since those early
days I've learned a lot more. Some if it small stuff, some of it quite huge to
me.
In the ARP 90 Day
Program, there is one guy in charge of everything. The creator of the
“program" is the decided on who can sponsor and who can't. In fact,
everyone in the 90 Day Program has to send him their step 4 inventory. He
judges you on your worthiness. This didn't sit right with me. I'm a big
believer in the saying, “absolute power corrupts absolutely".
I'll tell you a
secret. I'm a Lust/porn/sex addict. This also means that I LOVE no LUST for
positions of power. I'm prideful. I think I'm right and everyone else is wrong.
I need to be in control.
AA went through a
lot of errors shortly after it began. There's a book called “12 Steps and 12
Traditions”. It explains why they created 12 traditions for AA to live by.
One of those traditions is in place so that the program is
run by a voted on committee, not a singular person. Bill, one of the founders
of AA sry this position in place to protect the program from people like him. He was also self-centered,
prideful, and wanted power. He knew the dangers of having one man in control of
a whole program, knowing the danger it possessed.
In the ARP 90 Day
Program, they tell you that toy have to have a resentment list of over so many
hundred. If your don't, then your are lying and need to rework the list or drop
out.
Thus doesn't sit
right. We're obviously going to have resentments, that's a given, but I'm the
one that feels the resentments. If I can't think of anyone else I'm resentful
toward after I've put forth an honest effort and it doesn't come I up to the
amount someone thinks it should, that's ok. Because guess what? I'm going to be
revisiting this step over and over throughout the rest of my life.
I'm also not okay
with the 90 Day Program relapse policy. If you “slip" or relapse, your
“sponsor" technically had to dump you. That's a bunch of B.S. In my opinion.
We learn as
addicts, at least I did and continue to learn that God loves me and wants me to
succeed. And no matter how many times I fall, if I'm willing, His mercy is
sufficient for me. Rejecting someone as a sponsie after they've relapsed is a very
damaging thing. A sponsor is supposed to be there for support, encouragement,
and love. If I was perfect enough to not ever relapse I wouldn't be an addict
in the first place.
After completing
your 90 days, you are set free to sponsor others.
Sponsor others after 90 days of sobriety….
Through the muscle of modern advansenents in the medical
field, we now have the ability to do brain scans to see what areas in a
person's brain are working and functioning.
After 90 days of
sobriety, your brain begins the process of rewiring.
BEGINS THE PROCESS.
This means that
the brain STARTS the process of developing new pathways to think and
react that don't lead back to porn and masturbation.
This is also when
we get to go through that wonderful thing called WITHDRAWAL.
Can I just say that withdrawal sucks. Like, for real. It
sucks. I never expected to go through them. I mean, it wasn't like I was
addicted to alcohol or drugs. Hahaha. For me withdrawal was the
mental/emotional equivalent to having kidney stones, of which I've had a few.
It sucks. It really really sucks.
I can honestly
say I was not in my right mind. It was like my body and brain were aware that I
had not used these neural pathways (looking at porn, masturbation, sex, and
lesser lust drive) to satisfy anxiety, stress, and my chemical dependence on
them, and since I didn't know a knew way to relieve all that fear anxiety
stress, all the warning bells, whistles, alarms were sounding and my insides
where desperate to find some way to “survive", because I'd taught myself
that without my drug I'd die. My brain didn't know what to do. I couldn't think
straight, I couldn't make decisions, I couldn't hold normal conversations. All
I knew was that to continue acting out was
going to make me live and die alone and miserable.
Calling and
spending time with my sponsor helped a ton. It was a salvation. Talking to
other guys in the program was also a huge help.
I can't tell you
how messed up my thinking was, and how much my addict tried to weave ideas into
my head to get me to act out. I literally could not trust my own thoughts.
And here's a program that demands addicts to be sponsors
after 90 days of sobriety when the brain is in this state? That is insanity.
That is complete insanity.
“It helps them stay sober,” I've been told. This is
impossible. I was in no shape to be giving anyone advice. Especially for the
fact that my addict was trying everything to get me to relapse right at the
critical time when my broken yrt partially functioning brain was at its
weakest.
It makes sense
why so many of these guys have been told by their 90 Day Program sponsors,
“Don't talk to your wife about it.” “If you've looked at porn and haven't
masturbated it's okay. The struggle is real.” “Your wife isn't safe to be
around" “it's okay" “all is well in Zion”. “If you don't ejaculate
you are okay.” Because these “sponsors” are talking crazy talk!
I know this post
is going to ruffle feathers. I've not spoken about this sober because the whole
LDS community is obsessed with the 90 Day Program and I feared purple would
come after me and kill me! Haha.
But guess what?
The 90 Day Program is not supported by the church. Contrary to popular belief
ARPSUPPORT.org is NOT a
church website. It's not affiliated.
The ARP groups
are being overrun by these 90 Day Advantists who claim the program works.
That's mostly all I hear when I go to ARP meetings. That's probably why the
church keeps doing the ARP program the way it is, because ask they no is period
say it works great.
I go to an SAL
group largely comprised of LDS guys who have needed more than what ARP has been
able to give. I've seen huge character and behavioral change in them and
myself. If you want more info please feel free to reach out to me.
I know lots of
people don't agree with me. I know this isn't for everyone, but I can only
survive, I can only grow, and I've only seen bits (I'm still new and don't have
years of sobriety) of reality and happiness and true connection in working a
program of SUPPORT, not rejection; of HONESTY, not deception; of SURRENDER, not
control; of LOVE, not fear.
That other stuff
I've been doing for the last 20+ years and I can tell your it doesn't work.
Sorry again, I'm
long winded. I hope you have hope and light in your lives. God is Good. I hope
you have connection with Him today.
