So I made up this joke the other day. Want to hear it? It
goes like this:
"A Catholic guy, a blonde guy, and a recovering
alcoholic go into a bar..."
That's it. That's the joke. Get it?
A recovering alcoholic wouldn't go into a bar.
You can be critical like me, and dig into it and say,
"yeah, funny but like the Big Book says, one day an alcoholic with lots of
sobriety really CAN walk into a bar and not feel triggered. Especially if he's
going to the rescue of an AA buddy!" Or, "well I'm sure if he was
stranded in the middle of the desert and was dying of thirst he could walk into
a bar and get water!" To which i say to myself, "shut up and stop
ruining my joke." And "really? And there's only a bar in the middle
of the desert? Is this the Twilight Zone?"
So stop ruining my joke! I'm trying to make a point here!
The point is this: ADDICTS IN RECOVERY DON'T TEST THEIR
RECOVERY.
Seems simple enough right? But when thinking back on my
addiction, that is what I've always done.
- "Well it's been a few months. I should be able to
resist this time."
- "This doesn't affect me like it used to."
-"I can take a peek."
- "It's okay I can see it and drink it in, I'm with
other people in a public place and can't get away to act out."
- "The movie only shows a woman's bare chest once and
only for a second."
An addict in recovery doesn't care how much sobriety he has
because he knows that it's NEVER
enough to save him. Sobriety isn't
dependable.
God IS
dependable. Humility is dependable. Honesty is dependable.
I have to keep this in mind. Because I always want to test
my sobriety. How far can I go with it?
It's like that one story about the guy wanting to hire a
truck driver and all these applicants drove their trucks as close to the edge
as they could to prove how masterful they were at driving, and he hired the guy
that drove as far away from the edge as he could.
Why? Because he was smart. He knew it isn't how close you
can get to breaking the rules without actually breaking them, but how well you
can keep yourself from breaking those rules.
An addict can't get close to breaking the rules because he's
always going to break them if he gets close enough.
My therapist told me something the other day that really
made me think. (This is a common occurrence) he told me about the guys that
come to him and tell him they took the filtering programs off their computer
and ended up relapsing. His question to them is: "what problems was the
filtering/monitoring programs causing?" They look at him a bit confused
and say, "none. What do you mean?" To which he responds, "the
only reason why someone stood doing something that has been working for them is
because it isn't working for them anymore."
Essentially, why would you take off the filtering/monitoring
software off your computer if it was working for you? If it was helping, why
stop it?
The guys in recovery that I've read about, and the very very
few that I've actually seen, know not to test their sobriety. They understand
that when the thought comes, "it's been a long time. I should be able to
resist."
"I'm just going in the bar because their fries are
delicious, I'm not going to drink, I've been sober for 5 years" that these
thoughts are lies their addiction tries to get them to believe.
The truth is, no matter how sober I am, I'm not strong
enough to watch a movie with nudity. I'm not strong enough to browse an
unfiltered unmonitored internet. I will never be strong enough.
We see guys in the program all the time who lose their wives
and kids and do better and fail again and again. I'm one of them.
A part of this is because I'm willing to accept that I've
lost the battle and gotten the tar best out of me, but that I can some how at
the last moment, like in some hollywood blockbuster, get up on trembling legs,
bruised and broken, and perform that one vital move that I learned my addiction
had while it was beating me, and somehow kill it.
That or I think of God as coming in, supporting me with one
arm and we both survive guns blazing.
The truth is I've lost. The truth is there's no surviving
this. The truth is i don't know crap about how to handle or beat addiction. Why?
Because it doesn't exist. There is no way to beat it. BEATING ADDICTION DOES
NOT EXIST.
Going to meetings, working the program, praying, reading
scriptures, does NOTHING to help beat addiction or become strong enough to beat
addiction. The only thing these activities and steps help us do is be humble
enough to realize that we will fail EVERY time. EVERY TIME.
"But Anoni Mouse, God says He will make weak things
become strong! Eventually we'll be strong enough!"
No. God said, "I will make weak
things become strong." Not "I'll help you and together we'll make
weak things strong," not, "if you do these things first then I'll
make weak things strong." He does it. ALL of it.
God will always fight that battle for us as long as we are
honest enough to let Him. Honest being, "I need divine intervention
because I'm not going to survive. I WANT TO ACT OUT TOO MUCH TO RESIST."
He makes weak things become strong because He is WITH us.
And while He is with us the only thing satan or even our addiction can do is to
get us to leave the side of God.
How? By this phrase, "it's been along time, i should be
able to resist now."
God is mighty to save. Not me, not the addict with 20+ years
of recovery, not a combined group, not sobriety, God. Just God and only God.
When God remembers our sins no more it's because we remember
them enough to not do them again. To not test the waters.
If there was a man eating crocodile in the internet pool
yesterday, the day before, and all the days before that, then it's going to be
in the pool today too. And you might think you've won something by taking a sip
of the pool a few times without it getting you, but being successful in the
tiny sip of water is only going to make you more prideful and cocky so that the
next sip will be too slow, because the addiction crocodile is always faster.
You're chained to it after all and it's always hungry.
