IS DRINKING CAFFEINE HELPING MY ADDICTION?

Is Drinking Caffeine Helping My Addiction?

Yes. Yes it is.

I remember going on to the Rowboatandmarbles.org website and reading the article about the guy who decided to so drinking caffeinated soda because it was too triggering for him. I'd chuckled at it. Really? Soda was helping him relapse? What kind of weird fantasy did he have going on.

    Was I addicted to caffeine? Yeah. I'd been drinking it all my life. I was a Pepsi guy. I'd drink it all the time. We'd buy a 12 pack and it would be gone in just 2 days. I loved the stuff.

    I'd tried stopping before. Once I stopped drinking for at least 3 months and lost a lot of weight. So every now and again I'd try stopping it to try and lose weight. This would last for maybe a week. (Which in addict speak I'd like half a week.) But I'd always go back.

    I knew when I was addicted because when I would go a day without it I'd get headaches that were hard to manage with ibuprofen. It could make me a little irritable. I'd crave it during my working hours and stop at gas stations to get a 44oz. (They are only 79¢!) I'd lie about it. That is to say, I would not tell my wife when I'd buy them, even after she told me she wanted to know when I did.

    But I wasn't using! (i.e. Looking at anything pornographic or anything, no matter how innocent seeming, with sexual intent.) So why did I have to tell her this? She was just trying to manage my life! Haha.

    I've gotten kidney stones a number of times and the doctors agreed that it was probably from all the soda consumption. I've been basically dehydrated for most of my life. I had kidney stones because of soda!

    Did you know that doctors say that passing kidney stones are about as close to the pain of childbirth that a man can get? I've been told by some female doctors that kidney stones are actually worse. I couldn't tell you obviously, but I do know that they are the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with.

    Did the pain of kidney stones help me stop soda? I think the first time I stopped for maybe a week and a half. (Addict speak: almost a week). The next couple of times, none. I didn't stop. The thought of a world where I couldn't drink soda was insane.

    And besides, the caffeine didn't affect me anymore. I could knock back a few cans of soda and go right to sleep. Granted I have sleep apnea so it has never been the most restful sleep.

    The thought of caffeine helping my lust addiction was almost laughable. It wasn't like I was drunk or anything. Caffeine didn't hinder my judgment.

    I was a Damn fool. (I guess technically I still am.)

    Then one day I asked my wife a question that has destroyed my ignorance.

“What's the half-life of caffeine?”

    For those who don't know, the half-life of a drug or chemical is basically how long traces of it remain in your system.

    “12 hours.”

    If I'd been drinking something I would have spit it out. 12 hours? 12 hours! Holy Crap! That's half a day? So basically I had almost never been off of caffeine for the last 15 years.

    I then got to see what kind of webs spiders make on different drugs and then what kind of web they make on caffeine. The thing was messed up.

Seriously. Even the spider on LSD had a better web! So this was my brain. Well actually, it was worse!

       If a sex addict brain looks similar to someone who's been in a car accident and received frontal lobe trauma then what would my brain scan look like? How grossly messed up had my brain become?

So, we looked into caffeine. Holy poop. Did you know caffeine impaired your cognitive brain? Thus making it easier for the basic human instincts and Flight or Fight Response to take over?

      I mean, we've all known and debated how caffeine is “bad". I used to be great at defending my billion Pepsi's a day. And to tell you the truth, I can say that maybe healthy normal people can drink it, be impaired for a little while (at least a day) but not to the point of anything really self destructive. I don't know.

But I'm an addict. I'm a Lust addict, and my brain is ALREADY damaged and broken.

     It dawned on me that I was trying to keep my brain broken. Not on purpose, but I was basically letting a doctor (God) try and do brain surgery on me (to keep me sober) and then beat myself on the head with a hammer (soda). No wonder I was always stumbling about in a stupor. (Part of that being ADHD).

       No wonder things weren't changing faster, and that I was slow to pick up what was being taught.

       I realized that while yes, I'm an addict, relapse is always a possibility (should say a reality, addicts use. Without God a relapse wouldn't be a possibility it's just fact), but I was HELPING me make that more and more realized. I was HELPING me stay in addict mode. I was HELPING me have less empathy. I was HELPING me have less connection with God.

     So I stopped. I haven't had caffeinated beverages since February. And I try not to have sugary soda either. (I'm scared to find out what sugar in and of itself does to my already broken brain).

       I tell you what, it sucked at first, and sometimes still does. I had a headache for about 2 weeks. I actually got really sick right after, and I'm not sure if that was because of the detox or because I caught something. I went through a period of crawling out of my skin and being irritated.

       I know my brain is still healing from that abuse, but I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. I find it JUST as important as working the program and going to therapy. Maybe it helped so much because I've been working the program and seeing a therapist.

      But I have seen tremendous behavior change since I've stopped. I've had a huge HUGE increase in empathy. There have been hundreds of times now where I've walked into one of my kids rooms, or into their arguments, or whatever it may be, and actually RECOGNIZED the looks on their faces!

       I've been able to register, “He/she looks scared. What am I doing that makes them look scared?” And change how I look as i approach a situation so that they know I'm not mad.

       I've been able to say something to a child and see the look on their face afterward adds think, “they are sad. I said something that hurt them.” And then be able to assure them that I'm not mad and that I love them and give them reasons WHY I need them to stop screaming or pick up their mess and let them know they are good.

      It's been awesome. Other side effects, eating out just isn't as fun to do anymore. I don't care for it as much. The excitement is gone if I can't have my Pepsi.

      But it helps keep me sober. It helps me be in the present and enjoy life so much more. I interact with others better, I understand more. There is a level if clearness in my thoughts and brain that I haven't experienced before. I'm grateful for the clarity.

        As always, feel free to comment and ASK QUESTIONS. There's a soft and comfy blanket of obscurity over lust addiction. Let's take off the blankets, drag it out from the shadows, and let  light extinguish the dark. Shine out the dark.

Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.

Addicts in Recovery Don't Test Their Recovery

So I made up this joke the other day. Want to hear it? It goes like this:

"A Catholic guy, a blonde guy, and a recovering alcoholic go into a bar..."

That's it. That's the joke. Get it?

A recovering alcoholic wouldn't go into a bar.

You can be critical like me, and dig into it and say, "yeah, funny but like the Big Book says, one day an alcoholic with lots of sobriety really CAN walk into a bar and not feel triggered. Especially if he's going to the rescue of an AA buddy!" Or, "well I'm sure if he was stranded in the middle of the desert and was dying of thirst he could walk into a bar and get water!" To which i say to myself, "shut up and stop ruining my joke." And "really? And there's only a bar in the middle of the desert? Is this the Twilight Zone?"

So stop ruining my joke! I'm trying to make a point here!

The point is this: ADDICTS IN RECOVERY DON'T TEST THEIR RECOVERY.

Seems simple enough right? But when thinking back on my addiction, that is what I've always done.

- "Well it's been a few months. I should be able to resist this time."

- "This doesn't affect me like it used to."

-"I can take a peek."

- "It's okay I can see it and drink it in, I'm with other people in a public place and can't get away to act out."

- "The movie only shows a woman's bare chest once and only for a second."

An addict in recovery doesn't care how much sobriety he has because he knows that it's NEVER enough to save him. Sobriety isn't dependable.

God IS dependable. Humility is dependable. Honesty is dependable.

I have to keep this in mind. Because I always want to test my sobriety. How far can I go with it?

It's like that one story about the guy wanting to hire a truck driver and all these applicants drove their trucks as close to the edge as they could to prove how masterful they were at driving, and he hired the guy that drove as far away from the edge as he could.

Why? Because he was smart. He knew it isn't how close you can get to breaking the rules without actually breaking them, but how well you can keep yourself from breaking those rules.

An addict can't get close to breaking the rules because he's always going to break them if he gets close enough.

My therapist told me something the other day that really made me think. (This is a common occurrence) he told me about the guys that come to him and tell him they took the filtering programs off their computer and ended up relapsing. His question to them is: "what problems was the filtering/monitoring programs causing?" They look at him a bit confused and say, "none. What do you mean?" To which he responds, "the only reason why someone stood doing something that has been working for them is because it isn't working for them anymore."

Essentially, why would you take off the filtering/monitoring software off your computer if it was working for you? If it was helping, why stop it?

The guys in recovery that I've read about, and the very very few that I've actually seen, know not to test their sobriety. They understand that when the thought comes, "it's been a long time. I should be able to resist."

"I'm just going in the bar because their fries are delicious, I'm not going to drink, I've been sober for 5 years" that these thoughts are lies their addiction tries to get them to believe.

The truth is, no matter how sober I am, I'm not strong enough to watch a movie with nudity. I'm not strong enough to browse an unfiltered unmonitored internet. I will never be strong enough.

We see guys in the program all the time who lose their wives and kids and do better and fail again and again. I'm one of them.

A part of this is because I'm willing to accept that I've lost the battle and gotten the tar best out of me, but that I can some how at the last moment, like in some hollywood blockbuster, get up on trembling legs, bruised and broken, and perform that one vital move that I learned my addiction had while it was beating me, and somehow kill it.

That or I think of God as coming in, supporting me with one arm and we both survive guns blazing.

The truth is I've lost. The truth is there's no surviving this. The truth is i don't know crap about how to handle or beat addiction. Why? Because it doesn't exist. There is no way to beat it. BEATING ADDICTION DOES NOT EXIST.

Going to meetings, working the program, praying, reading scriptures, does NOTHING to help beat addiction or become strong enough to beat addiction. The only thing these activities and steps help us do is be humble enough to realize that we will fail EVERY time. EVERY TIME.

"But Anoni Mouse, God says He will make weak things become strong! Eventually we'll be strong enough!"

No. God said, "I will make weak things become strong." Not "I'll help you and together we'll make weak things strong," not, "if you do these things first then I'll make weak things strong." He does it. ALL of it.

God will always fight that battle for us as long as we are honest enough to let Him. Honest being, "I need divine intervention because I'm not going to survive. I WANT TO ACT OUT TOO MUCH TO RESIST."

He makes weak things become strong because He is WITH us. And while He is with us the only thing satan or even our addiction can do is to get us to leave the side of God.

How? By this phrase, "it's been along time, i should be able to resist now."

God is mighty to save. Not me, not the addict with 20+ years of recovery, not a combined group, not sobriety, God. Just God and only God.

When God remembers our sins no more it's because we remember them enough to not do them again. To not test the waters.

If there was a man eating crocodile in the internet pool yesterday, the day before, and all the days before that, then it's going to be in the pool today too. And you might think you've won something by taking a sip of the pool a few times without it getting you, but being successful in the tiny sip of water is only going to make you more prideful and cocky so that the next sip will be too slow, because the addiction crocodile is always faster. You're chained to it after all and it's always hungry.

Is Lust okay for "Normal" Men? My Comment to Some Comments on an Article in Rowboat and Marbles

I commented on rowboat and marbles to this post and its comments:  http://rowboatandmarbles.org/fifty-shades-of-grey-two-shades-of-lust.html

I know it might be kind of cheesy to post my comment to a post, but it was so long and I thought the information might be beneficial to some. So here it is. 

I’m addicted to Lust, I’m also addicted to food. Like Andrew has said before, I don’t know how “normal” men perceive lust. I don’t know if it can ever be a healthy thing, just like eating a supersized triple cheese burger and an ice cream Sunday are ever healthy. Sure the burger isn’t killing you by itself, but is it healthy? I’ve heard about people that “role play”, that watch “sexy movies”, and wear lingerie to seduce or entice their spouse.  I could be wrong, like I said, I’m not a “normal” guy. But WHY do these people initiate these types of behavior? WHY is wearing lingerie a turn on for certain men? If they are normal and don’t have any form of lust addiction and it isn’t a problem then why do it? Is it for “fun”? If it’s for fun, why is it necessary? If their completely satisfied with their relationship without these activities, then what is the point in doing them?
     To me, and I’m an addict so I don’t know NMB (“Normal” Man Behavior). If these activities give someone something “extra” to their relationship. A way of “bonding” that wasn’t present before, it stands to reason that there is something lacking and is trying to be made up for? That’s just my thoughts on it.
    And about shame, I don’t know if someone can really shame someone else if they aren’t meaning to. I know there are people that like to shame others. In my experience most addicts had parents that were good at this. But are there people that just feel shame when someone says something that triggers something the person already feels shameful about?
    Like I went to the doctor the other day saw how much a weighed, most I’ve ever weighed in my life, and I felt totally ashamed. I went through a couple days of feeling shameful and not realizing why until I remembered how I felt at the doctor’s. They didn’t do anything to shame me. I was already there.
    I know that’s kind of getting off the subject so I’ll go back to lust. I guess I don’t see the point in going on a website that is about lust addiction and then getting on someone for assuming that everyone has an addiction to lust. I would guess that most “normal” men, (and I use these quotations not as a pun or putdown or with any sarcasm. I now that being “normal” isn’t really normal because everyone is different. That’s why I put quotations around the “normal”, I’m just saying “normal” as in, people who don’t have an addiction.) anyways, I would guess that most “normal” men wouldn’t even be looking for this site or reading too far into it because they wouldn’t need to.
    I don’t believe that the Mormon church has more addicts than non-LDS people. I just believe that most of the rest of the world doesn’t see a big deal in masturbation, lust, sex, pornography, and so don’t ever answer surveys about it.
    I don’t know if there’s really a genuine point for what I have to say in this comment, just that my feelings were hurt that someone would suggest a little bit of lust is okay and saying their an addict also. I just don’t get it I guess. I think drinking any amount of alcohol is unhealthy. Sure, they may not go drop dead drunk, but going over the healthy prospects of drinking a little bit of alcohol, or that just a little bit doesn’t hurt, makes no difference if God decreed us not to drink it. God didn’t say, “If thou lusteth in thy heart it is the same….unless it’s with your wife, then a little bit is okay.” I think he asks us to stay away from these things because they have the ability to impair judgment. Because they have the ability to take away our control. They take away our ability to act, and not be acted upon. It’s the same with everything. When I am hungry and stop at a Carls Jr. or Burger King, that whopper meal supersized with a caffeinated beverage has power over me. I am acted upon by the thought of deliciousness. And that’s because I feel like the larger and juicier the meal, the further away from stress I’ll be.
    God wants us to be agents unto ourselves. That means that anything that exerts power over us makes us unfit for the kingdom of God. Whether it’s an addiction or not. Does overeating keep me from obeying the commandments? No. Does acting on lust keep me from obeying the commandments? Absolutely.
    Lust creates a false reality in me. If my wife wore lingerie, I would be looking at the fantasy of my wife, which isn’t my wife. If we role played it would be the same. If we watched sexy movies it would be the same. And for me to think that a little bit of lust is okay if I’m “normal” that just opens the doorway for me to lie to myself later on when I have long term sobriety. I’ll think, “well normal men can lust just a little bit. I’ve been sober for a long time, so I’m sure I can lust just a little bit.” And since so many men are addicted to lust, that 5% that isn’t probably doesn’t mind that I think as if everyone is on the path to becoming addicted to lust, or working on their lust addiction.

Is Everything Gray or Black and White?

Can I just say something real quick? This wont take long. (well, who knows, it could.) But I am really sick of people stating that things aren't black and white. I've heard some people talk, I've read some blogs, and I've almost gotten into a debate with some guy who was somehow trying to tell me that masturbating sometimes can be okay, its not always black and white. All of these are members of the church by the way.

   And I guess I'm just kind of baffled by this. Addiction isn't black and white? Certain things in an addict's life are a gray area? God's ways are a gray area? WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

   I have LIVED MY LIFE in that gray area. Or wait, let me restate. I have LIVED MY LIFE believing there was a gray area. As an addict I want to believe everything is gray. 

   "Well, I was having a sex dream...soooo...its okay to finish..."

   "Man my day has been sooooo stressful, this is really helping me..."

   "This will all go away after I'm married..."

   "If I take photos/videos of my wife, or THINK about my wife while masturbating, its okay..."

   "I feel like the spirit says its okay to masturbate because..."

   "I looked at porn and masturbated, but its been SOOO long since I did it the last time, and I don't plan on doing it again, so I don't need to tell my wife/bishop/sponsor..."

   "Its okay if I slip if I learn something from it..."

   Gray areas...I believe gray areas are fabrications we make to get away with something we know is wrong. 

   "Well he didn't specify that masturbation is wrong in every instance...so...this must be one of those instances..."

    I was talking with a kid once who was getting ready to go on a mission, he said he had a problem with pornography and masturbation and was wondering if he needed to tell his bishop and get things straightened out before he goes. I basically said, HELL YES.

   People didn't like that. I was told by someone that if everyone decided to stay home from their mission because they had a masturbation problem then no one would go on missions. My response. GOOD. At least they were willing to be honest and get help. In fact, I think it's safe to say that God would rather you be honest with yourself and stay home and get help and then see if you want to go on a mission, rather than go on one and have loads of regret later. 

    Someone wanted to know if masturbating to pictures of their wife was a sin or not. Hahaha. I said yes. Others said it depends. Others said it was a gray area. Like Nephi killing Laban. I think they were trying to equate killing Laban to murder, which are two different things entirely. 

    I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble. But there really isn't a gray area. God is very straight forward, God is very black and white. If you sin you are damned. If you follow the precepts and commandments of God perfectly, you are saved. 

   I can already see what will happen if I say this in Priesthood. There would be an uproar as people try to clarify. But that is the ultimate clarity. God cannot allow sin in the LEAST degree. He doesn't say that little sins are okay. He doesn't say that if there's no other way and you feel like you HAVE to sin, its okay. He says NO SIN. NONE. ZERO. 

  But...what...what if you are starving, and your family is starving, and so you steal food. That's okay. Right?

  No. I'm sure that in some aspects of it, Christ will take your sin upon himself, but it's still a sin. 

  God knows that we love to believe in gray areas. That's why he gave us 10 definite commandments to start off with, and then continues to give us more to build off of. 

   But we know for certain that God said there is NO ALLOWANCE for sin and that ALL SIN COMES WITH A PUNISHMENT AFFIXED. These are rules that even God can't get around. Sin is sin and there is a price affixed to every sin.

   What does that mean for us the sinners? That we are damned, but saved ONLY on the merits of Jesus Christ. What does that mean? We know that the sin MUST BE PAID FOR. God can't wave the fee. When He talks about blotting out our sins in the big book, he isn't erasing them from existence. He is TRANSFERRING the sin to someone else. The price MUST be paid. There is no way around it. So if we do our best in the repentance process and stop doing the sin that we are doing, what happens to that price? Christ pays that price. 

   I don't know what a "normal" person can do. I stopped being normal before I knew how to write.  I'm an addict and so I can only say what I know about being an addict. For us, the addicted, the more "gray" areas we believe are in our lives, the worse off we'll be.

   The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were great at understanding this. They knew even to get out of the gray areas. Sure, they could have KEPT their swords, their weapons of war. They could have used them to cut their fields, chop wood, etc. They could have kept the metal around long enough to melt them down and form them into something else. But they knew one thing that I as an addict still struggle with, Life is a lot easier when you live in black and white. It might seem like it sucks, but addicts NEED routine, stability, rules. These people KNEW that there might be even the SLIGHTEST most TINIEST desire to pick up that sword and hurt someone. That even using that sword as a tool for cutting wood or whatever would REMIND them of their addiction to blood lust. That even shaping it into a new completely harmless tool, would still trigger their minds to how things WERE. 

   So they completely got rid of them. End of story. What does that mean for me as an addict to lust and pornography? What are my weapons? Well, I've seen a lot of bad stuff on tv. I've acted out to a lot of bad stuff on tv. Now my tv is password protected. There are I believe only 4 tv channels that are not locked on my tv. And 3 of those are the disney channels, the 4th is the BYU channel. Not only that, but its password protected for shows TV-7Y and up. So yeah, I'm stuck with Doc McStuffins and Sophia the first, Micky Mouse Club house (I hate that show so much) and my all time favorite Disney Channel show, Octonauts. So I can only watch normal tv when my wife is home and around. Does it suck? OH MY GOSH. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW BAD IT SUCKS. Especially when my wife is gone with her friends or out of town, and all I have to watch is disney cartoons or byu. (oh wait, we do have that baby first channel unlocked). Do I sometimes want to shoot myself. Yes. But is it worth it. YES. YES. YES. YES. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to have free reign over the tv. We thought just blocking rated R shows and above would be enough in the past, but then I relapsed to infomercials and lame stuff. So no, I can't handle that. 

   I don't have an ipad. Our home computer is locked and I can't get on it unless my wife is with me. I cannot access the internet or 99% of the apps on my phone. I do not have an xbox. Why? Because I can't handle them. I love art, but do I have art books in my home that show provocative  material, even greek statues? no, because I can't trust myself. Does it suck. Yeah it can. But how do I feel about myself. OOOOOh man I feel so free in some ways. 

   Am I saying all of you should do this? Heck I don't know. Am I trying to brag? No, i'm trying to tell you I am so far into my addiction that I'll act out on INFOMERCIALS AND ANCIENT GREEK STATUES! That's how messed up my head is.

   Now I can only try and base working toward recovery based off of what others have done that works. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis had to give up opportunity to reestablish a correct perception of agency. They had to eliminate the gray areas. Would defending their families a sin? No, but the chance that fighting could affect them negatively was there. even if it was a sliver. Even after their change of heart. 

   I don't know about "normal" people. Maybe they can masturbate and feel like God thinks its okay. Maybe they can not mention it to their bishop or their wives. I don't know. but I do know, for an addict. There are no gray areas. There can be no gray areas. Would having an ipad be beneficial for my family and children? Help them learn and play, absolutely. But its not worth it here. 

   Sin is sin. The price you have to pay might be big or small, but all sin keeps us away from God's presence. 

   God doesn't say its okay to sin sometimes. He doesn't say that sometimes self sexual gratification is good, depending on the circumstance. He says no. Addicts can't trust their own thinking. Why? Because we will talk us into acting out EVERY TIME. Our brains are broken after all.

   

Recovery: Being Born Again

So here is something i hear alot about from other addicts and the spouses of addicts pertaining to the "no slips in recovery" argument:

-"I don't agree with the no slips in recovery because it's demoralizing."
-"The addict feels like they have to be perfect, which makes them feel hopeless."
-"They won't try because it seems impossible"

There's more, but they come to the same types of conclusions.
Now, I'm not in recovery. I'm not close to being in recovery. I've got a little over 9 months of sobriety. So i can't tell you what someone in true recovery can tell you. I've never experienced life at that level. I can say that while I've believed this, (that there are no slips in recovery) my sobriety has been the longest ever, and the people i know in the different sex addiction programs, some of them my good friends, who believe that slips are ok, maintain a few weeks of sobriety at a time.

Addicts Only Respond To Pain and Loss

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm sitting in a PASG meeting, and I'm more aware of how insane we as addicts are. We are so completely nuts, and until we crash and burn, we don't get it.
   I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
   "The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
   I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
   I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
   These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
   And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.

   Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
   This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
   I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
   So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
   Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
   So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
   Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
   I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
   My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
   What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
   Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
   My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
   Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
   I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
   I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
   I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
   Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
   I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety.