Is Everything Gray or Black and White?

Can I just say something real quick? This wont take long. (well, who knows, it could.) But I am really sick of people stating that things aren't black and white. I've heard some people talk, I've read some blogs, and I've almost gotten into a debate with some guy who was somehow trying to tell me that masturbating sometimes can be okay, its not always black and white. All of these are members of the church by the way.

   And I guess I'm just kind of baffled by this. Addiction isn't black and white? Certain things in an addict's life are a gray area? God's ways are a gray area? WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

   I have LIVED MY LIFE in that gray area. Or wait, let me restate. I have LIVED MY LIFE believing there was a gray area. As an addict I want to believe everything is gray. 

   "Well, I was having a sex dream...soooo...its okay to finish..."

   "Man my day has been sooooo stressful, this is really helping me..."

   "This will all go away after I'm married..."

   "If I take photos/videos of my wife, or THINK about my wife while masturbating, its okay..."

   "I feel like the spirit says its okay to masturbate because..."

   "I looked at porn and masturbated, but its been SOOO long since I did it the last time, and I don't plan on doing it again, so I don't need to tell my wife/bishop/sponsor..."

   "Its okay if I slip if I learn something from it..."

   Gray areas...I believe gray areas are fabrications we make to get away with something we know is wrong. 

   "Well he didn't specify that masturbation is wrong in every instance...so...this must be one of those instances..."

    I was talking with a kid once who was getting ready to go on a mission, he said he had a problem with pornography and masturbation and was wondering if he needed to tell his bishop and get things straightened out before he goes. I basically said, HELL YES.

   People didn't like that. I was told by someone that if everyone decided to stay home from their mission because they had a masturbation problem then no one would go on missions. My response. GOOD. At least they were willing to be honest and get help. In fact, I think it's safe to say that God would rather you be honest with yourself and stay home and get help and then see if you want to go on a mission, rather than go on one and have loads of regret later. 

    Someone wanted to know if masturbating to pictures of their wife was a sin or not. Hahaha. I said yes. Others said it depends. Others said it was a gray area. Like Nephi killing Laban. I think they were trying to equate killing Laban to murder, which are two different things entirely. 

    I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble. But there really isn't a gray area. God is very straight forward, God is very black and white. If you sin you are damned. If you follow the precepts and commandments of God perfectly, you are saved. 

   I can already see what will happen if I say this in Priesthood. There would be an uproar as people try to clarify. But that is the ultimate clarity. God cannot allow sin in the LEAST degree. He doesn't say that little sins are okay. He doesn't say that if there's no other way and you feel like you HAVE to sin, its okay. He says NO SIN. NONE. ZERO. 

  But...what...what if you are starving, and your family is starving, and so you steal food. That's okay. Right?

  No. I'm sure that in some aspects of it, Christ will take your sin upon himself, but it's still a sin. 

  God knows that we love to believe in gray areas. That's why he gave us 10 definite commandments to start off with, and then continues to give us more to build off of. 

   But we know for certain that God said there is NO ALLOWANCE for sin and that ALL SIN COMES WITH A PUNISHMENT AFFIXED. These are rules that even God can't get around. Sin is sin and there is a price affixed to every sin.

   What does that mean for us the sinners? That we are damned, but saved ONLY on the merits of Jesus Christ. What does that mean? We know that the sin MUST BE PAID FOR. God can't wave the fee. When He talks about blotting out our sins in the big book, he isn't erasing them from existence. He is TRANSFERRING the sin to someone else. The price MUST be paid. There is no way around it. So if we do our best in the repentance process and stop doing the sin that we are doing, what happens to that price? Christ pays that price. 

   I don't know what a "normal" person can do. I stopped being normal before I knew how to write.  I'm an addict and so I can only say what I know about being an addict. For us, the addicted, the more "gray" areas we believe are in our lives, the worse off we'll be.

   The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were great at understanding this. They knew even to get out of the gray areas. Sure, they could have KEPT their swords, their weapons of war. They could have used them to cut their fields, chop wood, etc. They could have kept the metal around long enough to melt them down and form them into something else. But they knew one thing that I as an addict still struggle with, Life is a lot easier when you live in black and white. It might seem like it sucks, but addicts NEED routine, stability, rules. These people KNEW that there might be even the SLIGHTEST most TINIEST desire to pick up that sword and hurt someone. That even using that sword as a tool for cutting wood or whatever would REMIND them of their addiction to blood lust. That even shaping it into a new completely harmless tool, would still trigger their minds to how things WERE. 

   So they completely got rid of them. End of story. What does that mean for me as an addict to lust and pornography? What are my weapons? Well, I've seen a lot of bad stuff on tv. I've acted out to a lot of bad stuff on tv. Now my tv is password protected. There are I believe only 4 tv channels that are not locked on my tv. And 3 of those are the disney channels, the 4th is the BYU channel. Not only that, but its password protected for shows TV-7Y and up. So yeah, I'm stuck with Doc McStuffins and Sophia the first, Micky Mouse Club house (I hate that show so much) and my all time favorite Disney Channel show, Octonauts. So I can only watch normal tv when my wife is home and around. Does it suck? OH MY GOSH. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW BAD IT SUCKS. Especially when my wife is gone with her friends or out of town, and all I have to watch is disney cartoons or byu. (oh wait, we do have that baby first channel unlocked). Do I sometimes want to shoot myself. Yes. But is it worth it. YES. YES. YES. YES. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to have free reign over the tv. We thought just blocking rated R shows and above would be enough in the past, but then I relapsed to infomercials and lame stuff. So no, I can't handle that. 

   I don't have an ipad. Our home computer is locked and I can't get on it unless my wife is with me. I cannot access the internet or 99% of the apps on my phone. I do not have an xbox. Why? Because I can't handle them. I love art, but do I have art books in my home that show provocative  material, even greek statues? no, because I can't trust myself. Does it suck. Yeah it can. But how do I feel about myself. OOOOOh man I feel so free in some ways. 

   Am I saying all of you should do this? Heck I don't know. Am I trying to brag? No, i'm trying to tell you I am so far into my addiction that I'll act out on INFOMERCIALS AND ANCIENT GREEK STATUES! That's how messed up my head is.

   Now I can only try and base working toward recovery based off of what others have done that works. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis had to give up opportunity to reestablish a correct perception of agency. They had to eliminate the gray areas. Would defending their families a sin? No, but the chance that fighting could affect them negatively was there. even if it was a sliver. Even after their change of heart. 

   I don't know about "normal" people. Maybe they can masturbate and feel like God thinks its okay. Maybe they can not mention it to their bishop or their wives. I don't know. but I do know, for an addict. There are no gray areas. There can be no gray areas. Would having an ipad be beneficial for my family and children? Help them learn and play, absolutely. But its not worth it here. 

   Sin is sin. The price you have to pay might be big or small, but all sin keeps us away from God's presence. 

   God doesn't say its okay to sin sometimes. He doesn't say that sometimes self sexual gratification is good, depending on the circumstance. He says no. Addicts can't trust their own thinking. Why? Because we will talk us into acting out EVERY TIME. Our brains are broken after all.

   

Addicts Only Respond To Pain and Loss

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm sitting in a PASG meeting, and I'm more aware of how insane we as addicts are. We are so completely nuts, and until we crash and burn, we don't get it.
   I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
   "The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
   I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
   I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
   These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
   And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.

   Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
   This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
   I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
   So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
   Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
   So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
   Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
   I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
   My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
   What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
   Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
   My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
   Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
   I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
   I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
   I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
   Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
   I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety. 

Transformers Daydream

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Transformers Daydream...
   I like the Transformers movie. It's funny. It's entertaining. But I've begun to realize that my daydreams were basically the Transformers movie repeated in various ways that ended up turning more and more sexual.
   The Transformers movie is about a kid that isn't doing much to improve his life. As far as we know his only goal is to have sex with girls that look like they are from adult magazines.
   All this crazy stuff happens to him, robot aliens try to kill him, and he's somehow forced to gain some sense of honor and truth and in turn he gets the porn star girlfriend that REALLY and truly "loves" him because...Well, because of all these good qualities he has that we haven't seen in the movie but are sure these qualities exist.
   That's how my daydreams roll. I start thinking, "what if terrorists decided to hold up this Wal-Mart?" Or, "what if I'm driving and this lady comes running up asking for help, i let her in and some dudes start chasing us with machine guns?" And if course in my daydreams I'm young and incredibly for and good looking. I go through these ordeals, and through the course of my daydream and fending off hordes of evil men to protect this beautiful woman,  this woman I'm saving falls in love with me and me with her. We have sex and live happily ever after.
   Sounds like most action movies right? So what is the consequence with this daydream besides that by the end i feel triggered? EVERYTHING.

How to Tell What's Going On With Your Addict

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don't know how to bring this up without it being slightly awkward, or maybe even hurtful in a way, but i feel it needs to be said because, well, it needs to be said. 

   Let me start by telling you about my own experience. My wife found out about my addiction about 3 years ago. I struggled off and on alot for a little over a year, with the lying and deceiving and being caught or feeling so ashamed i said something weeks after the fact. Then things seemed to change. I stopped acting guilty and ashamed and self loathing and my wife (and myself for awhile) thought i was finally getting better.
   I wasn't. I was feeling less shame for my actions because of all the "support" people would give me. ("It's okay", "you can do better", "your a good man", "move on", etc) and learning lots of good information from my counselor and scripture study and praying. But she believed i was getting better because i had stopped showing alot of the outward signs of relapse.
   I hear of alot of women who think this way. Who accept what their addict husband tells them and move on and then feel completely shocked when they find out he hasn't actually been doing better.
   This is why sobriety as a number or notch to put on your belt doesn't work. If someone looks at pornography only once a year, he's still an addict acting out in his addiction cycle. Regardless of the times in between. This means that a change has not taken place. This means that he's still acting out and its only a matter of time before it gets worse.
   So what is the wife of an addict to do? And I'll probably get some backlash from addicts about this, but firstly, don't trust your addict husband. You have every right not to trusthim. You are justified before God not to trust your addict husband. He has lied to you numerous times that you know of. Don't take his word for it now. You are doing the right thing by not trusting God words.

4 Things That Have Helped Me Work Toward Recovery in Pornography Addiction

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm no where close to being in recovery. (Recovery how I define it anyway) I am going on my 3rd year of working the LDS church's 12 step PASG program. And this is probably the first year that I've really WORKED it. This is the first time in my life I have had 113 days of sobriety. I'm not saying that there's no way I'm going to act out again. Heck, I can't even guarantee that i won't relapse today. It's a moment by moment opportunity. Albeit a bad one. And the 113 days actually count for nothing, but the changes of behavior that occur within the time of sobriety count for something. Anyone can have long periods of sobriety. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once a day, that's their addiction cycle.if someone looks at pornography/acts out once a week that's their addiction cycle, if someone looks at pornography once a month, that's their addiction cycle. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once A YEAR, that's their addiction cycle. The time in between that they call "sobriety" is actually spent feeling guilt and shame and "white knuckling". Those are parts of the addiction cycle. I have been sober for 113 days and have noticed behavioral changes. There are a few reasons to this.

1. My wonderful wife kicked me out of the house.