DALLEN H OAKS ARTICLE AND ADDICTS

Dallen H. Oaks came out with an article not too long ago about the several severities of porn addiction. There seems to be a lot going on about this article.

     1st, it was directed to the youth, those who have had far less time with a bad habit or “little problem" and not adults who have repeated this act over and over until it has become an addiction. Why post it in the Ensign then? Probably for parents with teens.

     2nd, IF YOU ARE USING DALLEN H. OAKS’S ARTICLE TO JUSTIFY YOUR LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATION, YOU ARE AN ADDICT. If you are trying to find ways to justify to yourself, to your wife, and to others that you AREN'T an addict, then you are an addict.

     Clarification? Pornography and masturbation are bad. Remember Christ saying if you lust in your heart you've committed adultery? Remember somewhere else in the scriptures where Christ says adultery is second only to denying the Holy Ghost? If it's that bad, then stop it. If you can't you have lost your control over it and it controls you. That means you are addicted.

     There might very well be levels of porn lookers, I understand that. Dallen H Oaks talks about that. Once those porn lookers have read Oaks’s article and realized it was bad and stopped and stayed stopped, awesome. That means they weren't addicted.

    But if they stopped and where super strong at first and then felt crazy by 3 months, and then relapsed, they are addicted. If they struggled by the 3 month mark, but then overcame the trail and went 7 months, 12 months, 2 years, and relapsed, they are addicted, and if they are addicted the article by Dallen H Oaks is not applicable to them.

    Pornography addiction is cancer. It either grows or it is in remission. If you aren't addicted and you continue to look at porn, you will be addicted. Why? Because not following God's commandments brings guilt. We either do something positive with that guilt, or we run from it. Which means we generate fear over guilt inside of us and create this repelling agent called shame. Shame causes us to hide and keep doing things we shouldn't. The more shame we experience, the more we have, the more we have to do to run from it. it's cumulative, and the only way to get away from it is to accept defeat, accept the shame, accept guilt, confess, repent, NOT DO IT AGAIN.

      What do you call someone that keeps repenting over the committing of the same sins again and again? An addict, or at the very least insane.

     Sorry, I'm just really tired of guys trying to use an apostle’s article to justify them not being “that"bad.

     A recent article by about addict claims that some guys shouldn't think they are, or be told they are addicts when they aren't. I find it slightly laughable. Because what's the worst that can happen by going to SAL addiction meetings? You feel the spirit and love in a fellowship too much? You are taught how to better communicate with God? You begin to see positive character change? We wouldn't want that.

      Addicts lie, addicts hide, addicts deceive, manipulate, cover up, tell misguided truths. Addicts don't want to change, not at first. Remember we are riding shotgun for our addiction most of the time.

    Our addiction, or how many of us in SAL like to call it, our addict, really is like cancer, but it's a sophisticated concert that is self-aware and will do whatever possible to survive. Don't let yourself be conned into thinking “all is well".

Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.

Where Are My War Buddies?

I'm not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a run for his money.

I currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.

I want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery. Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and want to hang out with.

I can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.

It seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)

Maybe I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies. Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can band together with.

I need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.

Sorry this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm saying.

And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.

Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.

What the Addict Imagines and What Really Happened

Hahaha, thought this was hilarious. Totally true. Hope you can read what is being said. Funny comic-strip. 

Living Now

I read something in A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Carnes. He talked about children.

       Children live in the present completely. They don't really have a past to relate to, and they have no concept of the future. They are 100% in the here and now.

     This means that they experience the present with all of their senses. They are totally in the now. We addicts need to be a lot more like them.

     It made me think of how the now is all we have.

      There is no past. We can't turn around and go back to it. We view the past as something behind us but that's only how we distinguish memories and life experiences. The past does not exist.

      The future is the same. It isn't in front of us. We can't view it. It doesn't exist. It's not real. We only put things in "the future" so that we can plan on certain things.

     So all we have is right now. It makes sense then why God says that we can change right now. We can choose to be a different person right now. At least people who aren't addicts can.

     So how does this apply to the addict?

       Because we can't focus on anything else other than now. Like I've said before, our perception of reality is flawed. We think of how things "should" be and what we "deserve". This isn't now.

     NOW is rolling down the window and feeling the air on your face. NOW is looking at all the trees with amazement if how tall they are and how magical it is that they exist. NOW is meeting people and being amazed that they are human and have their own likes and dislikes. NOW is feeling your feet in soft carpet, in a puddle. It's using all of your senses to the max. NOW is understanding your an addict and can fall at any second. NOW is accepting your wife for who she is right now. Not who she was before the fiasco when you were caught or when you told her, and not who she can be or will be. NOW is NOW.

     Addicts are less in the now than anyone. Every experience and sight and sound and sense transfers into what we want TO happen (in the future, which could be seconds or weeks or years away but still not real), how now isn't good enough, we believe that now doesn't give us what we want but it's all we really have.

     We know for a fact that as addicts we make tidal waves over spilt milk. We turn into the hulk and destroy city blocks at the drop of a hat. These little things boil our potatoes....(did that even make sense? Maybe that was a bad metaphor).

      I get frustrated with my children, not for the way they are acting right now, but because I "think" that if their behavior goes on unchecked now, it'll get worse when they are older. Again I'm thinking about the future and not the now.

       I cannot control the future because the future doesn't exist. (And because I'm an addict and control kills me.) To prepare for it is kind of hopeless because nothing ever goes according to my plans.

          It has been very helpful to me, when I see something or want to see something, while I'm at work or shopping or whatever, to stop and think, "one day at a time," and focus on what is going on around me. To keep myself in the present. I focus on the heat of the sun and how I can feel it cooking me. I roll down the window and feel the wind, and focus on the feel of the wind. It really helps me be open with wonder to realize how awesome life is.

    This pulls me out of my desire for lust. Because it grounds me in reality and in what I'm doing and nothing kills lust faster than reality.

      Because when I think about the Times I'm in an addict fueled state of mind and I'm seeking lust, I'm not in reality. When I'm arguing with my wife, or even I'm angry with her or the kids, I'm not in reality. I'm thinking 80 million steps ahead, "if the kids are loud now and I don't say anything they are going to get worse and worse!" (Worse and worse what?) "If she sees me doing (or not doing) this or that she's going to think I'm bad or acting out again!"

      

       Think about it. There are so many times I try and pre-empt what my wife "will say" and begin to have a discussion then argument in my head (at which I am always the victor). This isn't only bad because I'm thinking negatively, but I then react to reality as if we were fighting. I come home from work and I'm short with everyone and quick to anger and end up causing malcontent.

     The same is true when reading my wife's texts. (Or anyone's for that matter). I misread and add implications. I assume she's mad when she isn't. The reality is I have no idea what she's feeling unless she tells me. And I should never base anything of of what I think she's feeling unless I'm told or the expression is plain as day. (If she's smiling and laughing then she's happy.)

      One way to keep in contact with reality is to check how I'm feeling. Really feeling, throughout the day. Talk with (or text) my SA guys. Acknowledge my unmanageability constantly.these all help me stay present. They keep me from taking that first step into an alternate reality where I'm always right.

     It's hard work. I'm no where near that good at it yet. But then again, that's me not living in the now and trying to think of how long it will be before I'm really good at it.

    

I Don't Know How to Do Hard Things

I realized yesterday that I don't know how to do hard things. Really. This isn't a metaphor or anything. I'm not saying that I'm unable to do hard things, just that I don't know HOW to do them.

    

    This started when I was molested at 7 years old. My body AND my brain shut down. They didn't understand how to compute the data off what just happened and so programmed me to get physically tired and mentally in a fog. This made me unable to correctly judge what I was seeing feeling and hearing and let me guide myself into la la land to avoid pain, guilt, shock, trauma, uncomfortableness.

    Was me shutting down all my body's and mind's fault? To an extent yes. I have always had a good imagination and I've always been very creative, but I've also learned how to handle things by my parents.

    My dad was and is an addict. I would learn nothing from handling hard situations from him. He would isolate into history books or he would attack people or things he could control i.e. kids, wife, punching walls, break things. Is he fully to blame? No. And where did he learn his behavior? From his parents.

    My mom didn't know how to handle hard situations either. When ever she was faced with something hard, she isolated inside herself by not talking and living in her own head. She wasn't good with emotions. She didn't know how. And when she did speak when she was in a hard situation, it was full of passive aggressiveness. Is she fully to blame? No. She too learned her behavior from her parents.

    If it sounds like I'm trying to pass the blame, I'm not. At age 8 I was baptized and held accountable for my own actions. I do believe that just like an alcoholic still has a choice and still has some judgment, his perception is not clear. Looking through a glass darkly. Lust addicts are the same way. So is being raised by the foolish traditions of your fathers.

   Yesterday I confronted shame all day long. I'd start in on the "I'm bad" talk, realize I was doing it, change to the "I did something bad" go for a few minutes with a more positive attitude, and then the "I'm bad" phrase would slip back in almost unnoticed.

    It got me thinking about how I try to keep up the appearance of knowing and doing the right thing. For example, ever since I found out that one of my negative core beliefs was that I am not good enough, I'd try to act like it didn't affect me anymore. When my wife would ask if I was feeling like my negative core belief was true, I'd say no because I felt like I knew it wasn't true so I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

    This is a lie. I was thinking yesterday on how it would be impossible for me to assume that my negative core belief would change just with the understanding of it. I've been telling myself and believing that I wasn't good enough for almost 30 years. One day of realizing I've got it wrong doesn't change 20+ years of programming.

   Why do I fight with guilt and shame? Because I don't know how to do hard things. Working with guilt is hard. Maybe for the godly man it isn't, but for the addict is the plague. I've never dealt with it and taken it in and let it help me. I've always run from it.

     And that goes for everything hard. I'd daydream my way through, or fantasize, or lust, or look at porn, or act out. So really, since I learned how to evade hard things as a child, I'm running into hard things now and trying to get through them without the "drugs" to keep me from feeling how hard they are. What's more is its like using my underdeveloped child's mind to work through these hard things because I never developed how to.

       So, I don't know how to do hard things, (which is probably all important things) but at least I'm present enough to know that I don't know how to do them.

        One thing I've realized, affirmations help. Seriously. I've been telling myself I'm bad for so long, it's not going to change by itself. I need to tell myself good things as much as possible to at least negate the bad things I've told myself. It actually helps!

Guarding Sobriety

The other day at work we were at a woman's house getting rid of some things she didn't want anymore. When my co-worker wasn't around me the woman became a little flirtatious.

       I wasn't sure once we left, because we addicts always like to think we are God's most bestest gift to women. (Fantasy thinking for sure) but when I talked to my wife and others about it they assured me it was flirting.

        When she would say these flirtatious things I would just laugh and not give a response. Why? First, I just wasn't sure if she really was and second, I felt embarrassed for her. I felt obligatory to give a response so I wouldn't make her feel embarrassed or stupid.

   

         Then it suddenly hit me. WAIT A MINUTE! I'M THE ADDICT! I NEED TO PRESERVE MY LIFE!!! I cannot be swayed by what other people think or do. If I continue to think like that, I'm bound for hell.

          So then I just stopped being around her when my co-worker wasn't there. I would not meet her gaze, I would not look at her, I would not speak to her unless asked a question and then would only give short direct responses. I would not laugh at what she said or anything. It felt more than good, it felt awesome. I was standing up for myself, even if I was the only witness.

           We left soon after. I don't know if her feelings were hurt, but her feelings being hurt compared to me giving any little sway to my addiction is really no comparison at all. I cannot let anyone's thoughts or feelings get in the way of my sobriety. I cannot appear to be the nice "good" guy anymore if that means letting my addiction come closer and closer to fruition in even the slightest of ways. Because anything else would be suicide.

      I know what would have happened if I'd gone on giving her no response which would ultimately have been correctly translated to mean I was giving her a positive response to her flirting.

        It probably wouldn't have been that day, and I'd have to be WAY further into my addiction to commit physical adultery with another person, but I would have taken in that flirting like it was a bowl of nice hot brownies and cold ice cream. I'd have drank that cup of lust and sought out more and more until I gained enough resentment for my wife not being like my fantasy wife that I'd act out. I'd look up pornographic images in my head or reality and act on them, I'd eat like crazy, I'd sever my ties with reality and drift away in a sex fueled fantasy that would chain and bind me even more deeply to my addiction.

        It was a humbling experience and I'm glad I was able to recognize it enough to run from it.

         

       

      

Know Thyself

Alright, I've gotten to a point where I can't listen to certain things anymore without putting a foot down and making sure that addicts are aware of the doom they are putting themselves under.

    Here are some examples I've heard recently from people on online groups and PASG meetings:

"I did it again, I looked up some things I shouldn't have. But I went to my bishop because I want to make sure I'm clean enough to rebaptize my dad next week..."

"My bishop said if I can refrain from masturbating for six weeks, we'll talk about me being rebaptized..."

"I've been having problems with masturbating when I get up lately, and I'm glad my bishop is letting me bless our baby this coming Sunday..."

"I have six months of sobriety (though I've had done close calls) and I'm not allowed to be married in the temple..."

"I acted out last week, so I went to the temple yesterday and felt sooo much peace..."

A part of me knows where you're coming from. I've been there done that. I wish I could go back in time and strike myself down on several occasions.

   After hearing these kinds of statements I think, "Why would a bishop ever say that or allow him/her to do that? Why does that feel a little bit off to me?"

      There are a number of reasons why bishops give this false information out to us. I call it false because if they knew everything about addiction and addicts and how our insanity works, they'd never say these things.

First things first. If you've ever said one of these statements, chances are you lied to your bishop or stake president. You either outright lied, -"I don't look at porn or masturbate anymore"- OR you minimized. -"I haven't acted out in six months!" When actually it's been 3 weeks- either way these are both NOT truth. So you are partly to blame for your bishops decisions.

Second, I might get A Lot of flak on this..... (BECAUSE THESE ARE BOMBS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!)

Don't trust your bishop to know what to do.

BOOM....

Your bishop CANNOT help you with addiction unless he is a trained and licensed professional therapist.

BOOM...

Your bishop doesn't know when you are in recovery.

BOOM....

Are you still alive? Are you ready to kill me? Burn me at the stake. (Or stake center) haha.

     Can I at least tell you why first?

      I'm not saying your bishop is the bad guy. I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to his counsel. I'm sure he has great advice and spiritual insight. I agree that he is a Judge in Israel and is God's guide to helping you work through repentance from sin.

     And while acting out in addiction is a sin, having an addiction is something else entirely.

     In fact, 95% of the time, if not 98%, your bishop has NO CLUE about addiction. It's not their fault. They are not qualified and God has not qualified them to do that. He's qualified to take care of the members of his ward, help them with their repentance process and give them support and counsel.

    Most bishops have normal jobs. Some of them are contractors, bankers, teachers, and businessmen. They are human, they are men, fathers, husbands -- they are not therapists. Most know little about addiction and insanity. A really good bishop will recognize this and give you advice based on his knowledge from life and books he's read, and then get you to see a therapist or others who know more about it than he does.

       I've heard of bishops who say, "just stop."

      "Your husband is hurting and needs you"

      "You need to be more physically intimate with your husband"

     "You are not an addict"

     "Just wanting to change means you're in recovery"

These are examples of suggestions some bishops say that make no sense or do not apply to addicts.

Okay, I'll back off of bishops for the moment. In fact, most of my life I've had awesome inspired bishops that I've loved.

    

         So it comes down to this, are you really worthy to bless your baby if you've been acting out all week? Are you really worthy to enter the temple if you've looked at pornography and masturbated or fantasized about sex any time recently? Are you really worthy to give blessings, baptize, and stand in holy places if you are not holy?

       

          Doing these things just because a bishop (no matter how awesome he is) says you're ready when you really aren't, doesn't make you ready. And it doesn't make you blameless. In fact, because you know better, your blame is intensified. There is no get out of jail free card.

      You are accountable for opening your mouth as well as for closing it. If your bishop gives you false information, it is not only your responsibility to not go through with it, but it is also your responsibility to tell him why. Bishops NEED our help in understanding what addiction is and what it does.

       For doing these things; going to the temple, blessing or baptizing others, partaking off the sacrament -unworthy- brings us under heavier condemnation. Why? Because we aren't sober. We aren't being honest. And it buries us further in our shame and misery. It destroys not only us, but the trust and hope of our loved ones.

      If we were really sober, we wouldn't be hiding. We wouldn't be doing these things to "look" the part to everyone else around us. We'd be hearing that guilt inside is direct us to a better future.

Blame and the Search for Control

I think that the whole "men are just wired that way" is a myth. . 

In fact, my wife and I were just talking about it, and I don't think we are "wired" for visual or emotional input more than the other. I think many many generations of time of fathers teaching sons has led us to feel wired that way, or more pre-dispoded to it. Same with mothers to daughters. When I think about it, I don't see Adam that way. I don't see Jesus that way.

Even if that were the case, that gives no credence to letting myself LOOK at the visual sensory input if it's bad for me.

One of the most concrete and important laws of eternity are: I have agency. I have a choice. God cannot subvert or take away my agency. In fact, even if I beg and plead with God to take my agency and MAKE me do his will, he cannot. There is NO WAY God can take my agency and him still be God. In fact, this law is SO SO important, that there was a WAR in heaven. It was sooo important that God, who loves me and you sooo much, that he would let 1/3rd of ALL his children choose not to come here and follow the plan.

To say, "I'm just a guy and that's what I do," is complete and utter BULL SHNIKIES. We were not designed to be controlled. God made us that we might be "agents unto [our]selves". Meaning that we are in control of our own lives, bodies, Destiny.

Women (most at least) don't read romance novels and soap operas and act out to them and get addicted to them and say, "I'm just a woman. I'm programmed that way." Maybe they do and I just never hear it. Maybe there are as many addicts to that stuff as we (men) are to porn and the like. I know I'm addicted to sex in the written word.

We keep wanting to have control, but then when we make mistakes blame it on something else. The bad thing about blame is we can't learn from those experiences. It's like that quote: "those who don't study history are bound to repeat it"? I can't remember if those are the specific words, but this is certainly true for addiction. Blame is blocking our view of what really happened. And if we don't see what really happened, we are going to do it again.

When I say, "I'm just wired that way." I'm blaming something else, even though that blame is still falling on me.

"I did it because my wife won't sleep with me enough."
"I did it because I don't see anything wrong with it."
"I did it because I was really tired and not thinking clearly."
"Satan tempted me."
"It can be very healthy."

All these things are excuses. We don't want to admit that we gave up control. And if we are not in control of ourselves then we are not fit for the kingdom of God.

"But Anoni Mouse, we have to give up our control to God! Saying that us lacking control is bad is a contradicting thing to say!"

Is it?

Think of it this way, I don't have control over my addiction. It has control over me. It controls my body. I gave it control. And we know that addiction will not ever give the control back. The price must be paid. I am acted upon by my addiction.

I can't get the control back from the addiction, therefore I have to give my control to a third party. God. But the addiction will only give God control if God gives the addiction what the addiction wants. Suffering. Depression. Death.

Jesus pays for the control. How? How can he pay for the control when what the addiction is asking for is all of my life? Because Christ can suffer a life time and still be alive. How? Because he's never sinned.

So now that God has paid for the control, guess what? Does he keep it? No, he can't. If he did he would cease to be God. Since God can't keep it and doesn't want it, he gives it back to us and essentially says, "I'll help you manage your control. You focus on controlling ONLY the things you can control, and I'll do the rest until you come to a point in your RECOVERY (not sobriety) where we will review the things you can control and you can take on more control."

God helps us control what we cannot. If I'm submissive to God and am only controlling what I can, when something happens that's outside of my control, whether it be finding a porn magazine or having someone we've had an affair with suddenly call us or email us, or whatever it may be, God gives us the ability to be a godly man for a few minutes or a lifetime, to get out of the situation we would never get out of ourselves.

Remember God wants us to have complete control of ourselves. COMPLETE.

If we decide to take full control before we can manage control, guess what? Jesus stops paying the addiction and since we've already made a binding contract with the addiction, we have to start paying the price again. Bummer for us.

What can an addict control? This may be variable. And it also means we have to look at our own histories, which we can't do if we're blaming.

-He can control what he reads.

When you look at your history, what do you notice? Have you started reading a book and when you happened upon a sex scene and were triggered did you keep reading or stop? Did you act out on it (physically and/or mentally)? If you did any of these things, then  don't read those kinds of books.anything that might have bad stuff in it, just don't read it.

-He can control what he looks at.

Can you watch TV and not be triggered and not act out? (physically and/or mentally) Are there specific channels that are definitely safe? If by looking at your history; watching a specific channel or commercials is triggering and you act out, then stop watching them. Don't watch anything close to your addiction. Does it suck? Sure. But do you want to give up avg eternity of joy and happiness for a "really cool" movie with good graphics, a "great" storyline, and just a little bit of nudity?

Can you go online alone for any reason (even work) and not feel triggered or excitement to lust or fantasize? If you view your history and can't, (and lust addicts can't btw) then don't go online alone! Only go online when your wife is in the room. If you can't even then, don't go on at all.

-He can control his actions with others

Can you talk to members of the opposite sex and not feel triggered or lustful or put in an altered state (i.e. NOT reality). If you view your history and can't, BE RUDE. Don't meet their eyes, don't hold the door open for them, give them the shortest answers possible. GET AWAY FROM THEM.

-He can control his thoughts

Can you think about sex and not feel triggered or lustful? If you view your history and can't, (oh and no lust addict can btw) then DON'T. Don't even go there! Don't think about the "what ifs" "i wonders" "would haves" and "could haves". Oh and the "I wishes" too. Don't do fantasy. Don't wait for reality to be as good as fantasy because it won't ever be as good as fantasy. In fantasy we make the rules. Guess what, even God has to obey the rules that are already in place.

Hmmm....this sounds alot like Mosiah chapter 4. Something about watching our thoughts words and deeds.

"But Anoni, my JOB is with computers! I HAVE TO be online!"

Can you do your job and not look at porn or view anything with sexual or self stimulus intent?

"Yes. I can decide right now to change."

What does history tell you about yourself.

"Well I haven't been able to in the past."

Then you don't have control. Find a new job.

"I can't just drop my job and look for something else! This is what I went to school for! I can't start over! We'll be out on the streets!"

What did Jesus say to the rich kid? "Give up all that thou hast, come and follow me." Or something like that? 

It's more possible for the Titanic to rise up out of the ocean, mend itself together, brake out all the artifacts from museums all over the world, destroy every copy of James Camren's Titanic movie, and fit through the eye of a microscopic needle than it is for a porn addict to gain recovery (exaltation, forgiveness) while having unrestricted unsupervised internet access. Or Unrestricted thoughts. Or unrestricted actions. Or unrestricted sight. Or unrestricted actions.

I'm sure God cares more about your recovery than your job. No matter how disastrous employment looks.

"I can't get away from it, it's part of my work." Is blaming.

Good will provide.

I'm preaching to myself every time I post. These are all things I need to work on myself. God doesn't care so much about my degree or how much money I have or exactly how I care for and provide for my family. If I do what I can, he'll take care of me and my family, no matter what.

Is Lust okay for "Normal" Men? My Comment to Some Comments on an Article in Rowboat and Marbles

I commented on rowboat and marbles to this post and its comments:  http://rowboatandmarbles.org/fifty-shades-of-grey-two-shades-of-lust.html

I know it might be kind of cheesy to post my comment to a post, but it was so long and I thought the information might be beneficial to some. So here it is. 

I’m addicted to Lust, I’m also addicted to food. Like Andrew has said before, I don’t know how “normal” men perceive lust. I don’t know if it can ever be a healthy thing, just like eating a supersized triple cheese burger and an ice cream Sunday are ever healthy. Sure the burger isn’t killing you by itself, but is it healthy? I’ve heard about people that “role play”, that watch “sexy movies”, and wear lingerie to seduce or entice their spouse.  I could be wrong, like I said, I’m not a “normal” guy. But WHY do these people initiate these types of behavior? WHY is wearing lingerie a turn on for certain men? If they are normal and don’t have any form of lust addiction and it isn’t a problem then why do it? Is it for “fun”? If it’s for fun, why is it necessary? If their completely satisfied with their relationship without these activities, then what is the point in doing them?
     To me, and I’m an addict so I don’t know NMB (“Normal” Man Behavior). If these activities give someone something “extra” to their relationship. A way of “bonding” that wasn’t present before, it stands to reason that there is something lacking and is trying to be made up for? That’s just my thoughts on it.
    And about shame, I don’t know if someone can really shame someone else if they aren’t meaning to. I know there are people that like to shame others. In my experience most addicts had parents that were good at this. But are there people that just feel shame when someone says something that triggers something the person already feels shameful about?
    Like I went to the doctor the other day saw how much a weighed, most I’ve ever weighed in my life, and I felt totally ashamed. I went through a couple days of feeling shameful and not realizing why until I remembered how I felt at the doctor’s. They didn’t do anything to shame me. I was already there.
    I know that’s kind of getting off the subject so I’ll go back to lust. I guess I don’t see the point in going on a website that is about lust addiction and then getting on someone for assuming that everyone has an addiction to lust. I would guess that most “normal” men, (and I use these quotations not as a pun or putdown or with any sarcasm. I now that being “normal” isn’t really normal because everyone is different. That’s why I put quotations around the “normal”, I’m just saying “normal” as in, people who don’t have an addiction.) anyways, I would guess that most “normal” men wouldn’t even be looking for this site or reading too far into it because they wouldn’t need to.
    I don’t believe that the Mormon church has more addicts than non-LDS people. I just believe that most of the rest of the world doesn’t see a big deal in masturbation, lust, sex, pornography, and so don’t ever answer surveys about it.
    I don’t know if there’s really a genuine point for what I have to say in this comment, just that my feelings were hurt that someone would suggest a little bit of lust is okay and saying their an addict also. I just don’t get it I guess. I think drinking any amount of alcohol is unhealthy. Sure, they may not go drop dead drunk, but going over the healthy prospects of drinking a little bit of alcohol, or that just a little bit doesn’t hurt, makes no difference if God decreed us not to drink it. God didn’t say, “If thou lusteth in thy heart it is the same….unless it’s with your wife, then a little bit is okay.” I think he asks us to stay away from these things because they have the ability to impair judgment. Because they have the ability to take away our control. They take away our ability to act, and not be acted upon. It’s the same with everything. When I am hungry and stop at a Carls Jr. or Burger King, that whopper meal supersized with a caffeinated beverage has power over me. I am acted upon by the thought of deliciousness. And that’s because I feel like the larger and juicier the meal, the further away from stress I’ll be.
    God wants us to be agents unto ourselves. That means that anything that exerts power over us makes us unfit for the kingdom of God. Whether it’s an addiction or not. Does overeating keep me from obeying the commandments? No. Does acting on lust keep me from obeying the commandments? Absolutely.
    Lust creates a false reality in me. If my wife wore lingerie, I would be looking at the fantasy of my wife, which isn’t my wife. If we role played it would be the same. If we watched sexy movies it would be the same. And for me to think that a little bit of lust is okay if I’m “normal” that just opens the doorway for me to lie to myself later on when I have long term sobriety. I’ll think, “well normal men can lust just a little bit. I’ve been sober for a long time, so I’m sure I can lust just a little bit.” And since so many men are addicted to lust, that 5% that isn’t probably doesn’t mind that I think as if everyone is on the path to becoming addicted to lust, or working on their lust addiction.

My comment

I read one of Andrew's newest blogs on http://rowboatandmarbles.org/blog   and I was reading this post: http://rowboatandmarbles.org/getting-real-about-masturbation.html

especially the comments at the bottom. I think all addicts should leave a comment for Andrew. Here's mine. 

I am LDS and I don’t live in Utah. I was raised Mormon but inactive. I’m addicted to lust/porn/masturbation/sex. I went through varying degrees of activity in the church. Especially once I was caught in my lies about pornography consumption and my addiction came to light. I started going to church all the time. And  I began to feel guilty about “church stuff”. For instance, I would forget to pray at night, and then while lying in bed I’d realize I forgot to pray and feel guilty that I forgot to pray and told myself that if I didn’t pray I wasn’t doing the right thing and then most likely my day would suck tomorrow. So I’d pray, but I’d pray in bed, and then I’d feel guilty that I was praying in bed and not on my knees. Did that mean I didn’t really care? Was I offending God? Was he disappointed that I wasn’t showing him the proper sign of respect? That must mean that tomorrow my day would most likely suck and it would be my fault. So I got out of bed and got on my knees and prayed. And then, afterwards, I’d feel “guilty” I guess I should change all the times I’ve said “guilty” in this post to shameful.  I’d feel shameful because I hadn’t addressed God in “thee” and “thou”. Wasn’t I supposed to do that? Dang. That must mean that my prayer wasn’t that important and that God wasn’t going to help me, and it was all my fault. These shame cycles happened most when I went to church and read scriptures and all that on a regular basis.
     Recently, like just last year, I realized something profound. God didn’t want me to feel shameful about doing “churchy” stuff. In fact, in my opinion, God would rather me NOT do those things, then to do them because I didn’t want to feel shame for doing them. So I stopped. I stopped doing a lot of “churchy” things and kept working on sobriety and step work and addiction material. I even stopped going to church.
      Guess what, I started to feel like going to church. I started to feel like reading my scriptures. I started to feel like praying. Do I do these things 100% all the time? No, but I can say that for myself, I’ve come so much closer to God.
      Why am I talking about all of this? Because I agree with Andrew. Masturbation is bad for me. That’s a fact that I live by. I don’t have an “addiction” because the church told me I did. In fact most church members and even some higher officials would say that I DON’T have an addiction. I haven’t gone to massage parlors, I haven’t gone to strip clubs, I haven’t even bought pornographic material. I’ve viewed LOTS of it and acted out to LOTS of it. But not as much as I’ve masturbated to my IMAGINATION.
    This is what it does to me. Viewing sexual things on a computer screen, tv, book, or primarily my brain, with or without actually masturbating, (its all still masturbating to me, because like Andrew said, if I’m stimulating a sex organ, with anyone other than my wife, I’m breaking the law of Chastity.) It makes me desire that type of fantasy more than reality. I WANT it to be my reality. And then I begin to live my life as if that FANTASY should be REALITY. And the impossible truth is that it will never be that way because fantasy isn’t reality.
    I begin to feel depressed, rejected, not of worth or importance, and carry HUGE resentments because reality isn’t what I think it should be, which is my reality. This causes me to assume that my wife must not love me because she doesn’t act how I think she should. My kids don’t act how I think they should; my boss doesn’t act how I think he should. And I in turn become passive aggressive and disconnect from those around me. This also makes me WANT to seek that type of life. I daydream more often; I seek out opportunities to engage with women. (nothing sexual, just eye contact, smiles, friendly conversations, etc)
    This will kill me. I might end up contracting a disease, I might go to the wrong part of town and get killed, I might get so distraught and depressed that I’ll kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF THE MASTURBATION, but because of the perceived injustice of my reality. But most likely, I will live out the rest of my days alone in an apartment or small house with no friends or family, but a house FULL of pornography. This is going to happen. This isn’t a friendly “healthy” past time.
     In fact, I don’t think anyone that is satisfied and content and truly happy with their life goes home and says, “YOU KNO WHAT? I think I’m going to look at porn and jack off because it will make my day THAT MUCH MORE SPECIAL!” That seems like an impossibility to me. Maybe that’s because I can’t perceive what a normal person thinks.
      I’m addicted. And it’s like a cancer. If I don’t take my “pills” and go in for “treatments” and have “check-ups” with my “doctor”, it will not stay in remission, it will kill me. People that have leprosy have an exercise that they have to do ALL the time. It’s called VSE; meaning Visual Surveillance of Extremities. They do this because they lose feeling in their limbs and sometimes don’t realize that they’ve hurt themselves until the wound has festered and rotted. It is the most important thing to maintaining good health for a leprosy patient. You have to live it, think it, do it, all the time. I think of maintaining sobriety as the same thing. It’s got to be kept in the forefront of my mind, why? Because like the leprosy patient whose nerve endings are dead so he can’t feel pain, I’ve got to look at the actions I take, the thoughts I think, and where my eyes go. ALL THE TIME. And not even that, I’ve got to rely on someone else whose been where I’m at and whose a lot longer in sobriety than me to be able to see the things I am doing/not doing because I’m so blinded by my false reality, my desire for fantasy.
     Why? Because I’m addicted.  I could care less what someone says about masturbation being healthy and that “studies show…” because its (the masturbation/acting on lust) is killing me. I’ve witnessed it. Like the leper that sees their body parts and skin falling off, this is happening to me.
   This website is for those suffering from an addiction to lust or who want to know about it from the people that  are addicted. And its been a great help to me.