I'm
not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting
and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone
performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing
prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a
run for his money.
I
currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least
willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing
to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.
I
want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and
don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery.
Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that
I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and
who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and
want to hang out with.
I
can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't
do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you
being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.
It
seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates
you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After
meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a
light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider
myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)
Maybe
I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and
then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies.
Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can
band together with.
I
need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can
text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude
or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and
take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe
because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and
told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.
Sorry
this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my
efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce
ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who
are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery
also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what
recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction
stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can
REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm
saying.
And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.
Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.
You're totally right that this addiction feasts on isolation. I hope the guys at your meetings start to hang around more, but maybe some are feeling the same way as you and just need someone else to move on it first? Is there anyone who goes that you feel comfortable enough to exchange numbers with? And then just send a text or call, reach out somehow during the week?
ReplyDeleteMaybe this isn't my place , but I sure appreciate your honesty . The loneliness will kill you if the lust doesn't . Thank you for posting and pressing on . Maybe the battle is heating up and some soldiers are losing , but afraid to be vulnerable , afraid to hear what they know you will say .Maybe they aren't telling just like you distanced and didn't tell if you relapsed or slipped . Maybe your gaining the empathy for how your wife feels when your in that place . That avoidance place . It's pretty crappy . Especially that eyes glaze over part , great how you put that . And sure hope some snap out of it soon for you . Loneliness is so crappy . Thank you for posting .
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments! As to the first comment, maybe there are some guys there that feel the same. I give everyone my phone number all the time, haha. And I text people a lot. I get some phone calls too, people checking in that just want to check in, and that's totally okay, I get it, but sometimes its just funny to get a call from someone that just wants to tell how sober they are and what step their on and have a good day. haha. Not that its a bad thing. Reaching out even in the slightest is a step forward.
ReplyDeleteHope, you struck a chord when you mentioned that maybe they aren't telling just like I didn't when I relapsed and slipped. That makes a lot of sense. I've seen a lot of guys suddenly stop coming to meetings and stop chatting/calling/texting me when they've slipped or relapsed (including a couple of my sponsors.) I know I've done my share of the same, and the eyes glaze over thing. Especially when I want to be defensive but don't, I just clam up and distance myself. Thanks again for your comments!
What would happen at your meeting if one of the guys there announced that after the meeting he'd be at the nearest Burger King getting an ice cream cone and would welcome any company for fellowshipping?
ReplyDeleteHey everyone sorry I haven't responded sooner. THANK YOU for all your responses.
DeleteEmbracing Powerlessness, it depends on the day, but usually I'd go. I've been to some meetings where people have gotten together before the meeting also, but they stopped doing that quite some time ago.
Wow, my heart goes out to you. Every group meeting is different. I attend two meetings on a regular basis and in each of those a lot of guys hang around afterwards. I had some cheap business cards made up with my first name and phone number and passed them out to everyone. I now have a list of about 30 phone numbers. Many times I will text guys on the day of the meeting and ask them if they are coming. They now know that I care about them and I know they care about me. But someone has to make the first move. You will need to take a risk. Also check out if there are other meeting in you area that you might try.
ReplyDeleteTwelve Step LDS: Hahaha, that's a great idea about the business cards. Yeah I've got a huge list of guys numbers and I text/call them with variant amounts of success. Some guys I am pretty good friends with. I've recently started going to a new SAL group in my area and there's a lot more friendship there and its been pretty awesome. Things are slowly getting better.
DeleteWow, my heart goes out to you. Every group meeting is different. I attend two meetings on a regular basis and in each of those a lot of guys hang around afterwards. I had some cheap business cards made up with my first name and phone number and passed them out to everyone. I now have a list of about 30 phone numbers. Many times I will text guys on the day of the meeting and ask them if they are coming. They now know that I care about them and I know they care about me. But someone has to make the first move. You will need to take a risk. Also check out if there are other meeting in you area that you might try.
ReplyDeleteI am on a similarly frustrating journey. I am at a different place but on the same road. I hope your road is better than mine today.
ReplyDeleteAddictsshame: I hear you man. So frustrating sometimes. What things have you found successful?
DeleteI've noticed this as well. When I was going to Sexaholics Anonymous there was definitely more camaraderie, with people going out to dinner after the meeting. It's a bit sad, especially since it makes me feel like people (including me sometimes--I'm a big cockroach too) aren't actually in recovery or interested in recovery.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm interested in being in contact with war buddies, too. It sounds like you have a fair number of people you contact on the phone, but I'm on the lookout for people I can call when I'm not in a good way and want to turn things around. I'm a little hesitant to leave my phone number here, but I'll email it to you right now.
Thanks for the post!
Hey thanks again for emailing me your number. I haven't been on for awhile so I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner.
DeleteI know I can also be a cockroach. Sometimes I go to meetings just because I know I should, but after I just want to go home. haha.