When Do I Relapse? Part 2

I have been thinking about the question, when do I start my sobriety date over? If not being vulnerable and sharing my feelings is considered to be a relapse, do I need to start my sobriety date over? If I've looked at anything with the intent to seek stimulus, i.e. porn, bikinis, brazillian butt lift infomercials, etc. ANYTHING WITH THE INTENT TO SEEK STIMULUS. I was going to say self stimulus, but I started looking stuff up before on how to stimulate my wife, which is also wrong. ANY FORM OF SEEKING STIMULUS other than sex with wife (and even then it shouldn't be for self-stimulus sake) yeah, you relapsed, I relapsed and need to change my sobriety date. Even if I wasn't "intentionally" looking for it, but found it and looked at it for awhile and then exited. It's still a relapse.
     But as far as when do I need to set my sobriety date if I haven't been vulnerable and open and emotional with my wife, Honestly I this is an interesting question. I would like to say, "do what you think is right," but in complete honesty, us addicts think anything that helps us hide and isolate is right. haha.
     So I think what needs to happen in this case, is to come clean to your spouse. Tell her how you've been feeling if you haven't talked to her in a long time. Let her know how close you've come to acting out. It may not be that far. Maybe fantasy ideas just pop into your head more often than usual because you aren't feeling in sync with reality. These fantasy suggestions are always going to come if we don't share our feelings. And these fantasy suggestions will turn into fantasy thoughts, and these fantasy thoughts are going to warp reality, and our warped reality is going to build our resentments, and our resentments are going to help us isolate, and our isolation will help us look for visual stimulus to go along with our fantasy stimulus, and then we will physically act out.
    Guys always talk about how you should discuss with your sponsor before you tell your wife whatever you have to tell her. I think this is BS. Tell your wife what she wants to know, because I know my wife is going to find out either way, but isn't it better to tell her how I'm feeling as apposed to already screwing up completely and then telling her? Heck yeah.
     So what I think is the best bet, since I'm the addict and my perception of reality is completely FUBAR, I need to tell my wife how I've been feeling for the past however long I haven't been vulnerable and open with her, and tell her the affects of how this emotional isolation has affected me. Has it made me resentful, has it made these fantasy suggestions more prevalent in my mind, and then let her know that since I'm afraid to trust my own judgement, would she be able to help me decide if I need to start my sobriety date over?
    I can see a lot of guys being scared of this. A lot of us assume that our wives secretly hate us and think we are doing a lot worse that WE think we really are. If I am honest and open with myself, my wife is usually a better judge of my sobriety than I am. Guaranteed. As much as it hurts me to admit that, it's true. I'm sure there MAY be in some cases a wife who is completely off in that respect, and even as I say this I can imagine many of us addicts nodding and saying that OUR wife is the lunatic. Either way, does it really matter?
    Here's what I've been thinking. WHO CARES ABOUT CHANGING A SOBRIETY DATE? I mean, all of us addicts do. We like to hold it as a badge of honor. But really, what's the honor in it? We've already jacked up our family. We've destroyed everything. What's a month of a year of sobriety going to do that 20+ years of destruction hasn't undone?
     Like I've stated previously, its all about a change in behavior. If you talk with your wife, and she thinks you should change your sobriety date, is that a bad thing? Does that mean that you AREN'T a good person or changing or learning? No, it means that a date is changed and the number of days of sobriety you have are changed. Is that important? And if it is important? Ask yourself WHY? Why is holding a sobriety date so important? "Because it shows how much time I have away from acting out in my addiction!" Yeah, but in all honesty, you can go a year without acting out, or two, or three, or five, but if you eventually come back around to your addiction, that "sobriety" that was held in between doesn't really matter. It just means that the addiction cycle was still working within you. Behavior change shows true sobriety which is headed toward recovery.
     And think of it, how awesome is your wife going to feel when first you actually open up and be vulnerable to her, and then along with that, ask for her advice? Yeah she's still upset that you haven't shared yourself with her, yeah she might be mad about whatever actions you took in heading toward your addiction, but when you come to her you are showing her that you made a mistake and that you can't fix it on your own and that you know that you need consequences.
     As I write this I think of all the excuses I want to make for myself, "but I want to be a sponsor! If I set my sobriety date back, I wont be able to do that!" So? The more time in sobriety you have, the better sponsor you will be. And if I'm so desirous to be a sponsor? Why? is that because I want to feel good? Or because I want to help others. And if I want to help others, shouldn't I wait to be sure I'm actually on the road to recovery, so I'm not the blind leading the blind?
     "But you don't understand! My wife really doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety, She hates me!" So? If you don't trust your wife and think she hates you why are you working on your marriage? If she is SO against you, why stay with her? Whereas if you love your wife, and she "doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety" wouldn't asking her for help in deciding your sobriety date help heal that wound?
    And for those of you working the 90 day program, i don't know how any of what I've ever said would fit in for you. I don't believe in the 90 day program so I'm not trying to fit anything into that structured thing.
   Also, tell your sponsor. Discuss it with them too. Maybe get their input and bring that to your wife as well. Maybe that will help her have a better basis for helping you. I'm still learning this all too.
   So I'd say, when it comes down to not sharing your feelings and vulnerability for any amount of time over 24 hours, talk about it with your wife. Let her into your world and let her help. She really does love you and WANTS to help you. And if you aren't married, or aren't in a position to be able to talk with your wife right now, talk to a Sponsor and other men with years of sobriety. Not guys that are in the same place you are. Anyways, I hope the best for all of you!

Untruthful Core Beliefs part 1

Ok, here is where i give you the big reveal. This is why all addicts have issues. This is why all addicts, even though they've been shown or told a better way, usually go back to doing the same thing over and over again.
   I'll give an example. An addict friend texts me and says he's in a bad place, as in stressed, isolating, feeling anxious and angry. The perfect cocktail for looking at pornography and acting out, which he did.
   I ask, "why?"
   His response, "my wife had been annoyed with me lately because of the pain my addiction has brought upon her. She's been very different lately.
And i didn't get good sleep, and my kids were being very disruptive and bugging me."
   This is not the answer.
   It's funny because even when we claim to know our addiction is our choice, we still fall back on these outside sources as to the reasons why. As if those are the reason.
   BUT WHY ARE THOSE THE REASON?
   If we only go off of those being the reasons, the best that we can accomplish is learning how to deal with the emotions that those situations bring up in us. It doesn't help us to not get those feelings in the first place. And what we need is to only get those feelings at the appropriate time.
   Ha. Maybe i should take a step back. First off, we need to learn what feelings are. I, as an addict, an emotionally retarded. Once i used my addiction as a way to cope, i did not learn how to deal with emotions and progress emotionally. So i have the emotional capability of a 10 year old. (If that, considering the life style i lived in) when my therapist asked how i felt about things and my first response would always be, "i don't know" and he'd laugh and say that was a typical addict response. Not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because i really don't know. I don't recognize what my feelings are or what they mean. My therapist actually printed out a paper with faces on it that showed different emotions and then had the list of those emotions under it. And it was my job to check my feelings every so often and distinguish what they were and why.
   So, going back to the things that set us off. Why?
   I'll give you my own for instance:
I'm at home, all our kids are home, my wife is home, and i feel like everything is out of control. My senses go all out of wack and i feel like my head is filling with static and voices. This is the "tell". This is when I'm going to turn into the hulk and destroy about four city blocks better i calm down.
   Why do i get this way? Is it because my kids were being...well...kids? Was it because the house is a mess? Or because my wife isn't being as "friendly" as i want her to be?
   Am i really believing that outside circumstances are dominating my life? Well, that's actually impossible. So what makes me freak out? Is it really the kids, the house, or my wife? No. I freak out because of ME.
   Alot of times we end up excepting this, and then trying to deal with it when it happens. While this is good, it doesn't solve the problem. It's like trying not to use a broken leg. It might not hurt if we don't bump it or use it, but it's much more efficient to go get it set and fixed by a doctor. Because our broken leg WILL get bumped and we WILL have to use it.
    Trying to get rid of anger or anxiety or stress that triggers outbursts or acting out isn't right either. First off, that's impossible. Second, these feelings are imperative to our progression and eternal being. They are for our benefit. Anger is a good response for certain circumstances. Anger is brought up when we believe our lives are threatened or our liberties are being taken away. Fear is triggered when we believe we are going to end or feel pain.
   The problem is that we've programmed these feelings too be triggered at perceived threats, when those threats aren't actually there.
   Think about it. I get angry at my children literally because i perceive them as a threat to my life. Looking at the situation rationally i know my kids don't REALLY want to kill me. (At least not yet. Not till they're older anyway.) Or fear- will i really die if i tell my wife the truth and she divorces me? (i.e. didn't love me anymore). Well i really be miserable forever without her?
   So why do we do this? How did we program our brain to respond so irrationally?
   Trauma
Our Flight Or Fight Response (or FOFR for short) is an amazing thing. Whenever we perceive threats (real or imagined because our subconscious does not distinguish between real and make believe) our FOFR kicks in to try and save our life. Do we run or fight? Running doesn't have to be literally running away. It can mean we shut down, we isolate, we don't speak. We avoid. We lie. Or we fight. Get defensive. Physically/verbally/mentally attack. Throw blame. Yell.
   So then...when did we program our brain? How is our FOFR perceiving unrealistic threats?
   I do not remember the specific dates, but we program our brain from ages 1-7 or 2-7. This is when you take in the world and process information. Stove is hot, ice is cold, food makes hunger go away, consequences to actions, etc.
   This is also when the child is taught about trusting, love, fear, and danger.
  Our FOFR is programmed from these first experiences. This is when we first had traumatic experiences and our brains essentially says, "this hurt me. I do not EVER want this to happen again!" And sets up a FOFR to help us get it of a painful event.
    So, an experience from my early childhood: one night (i was around 4 or 5 at the time) i told my mom no. My dad slapped me across the face and said through gritted teeth, "don't you ever tell your mom no!"
   My brain exploded with sensory input and chemicals and said, "i don't want this to ever happen again. This really hurts, i feel Seperated from my main sources of love, i need to buy key this ever happen again."
   So, not only did i never say no to my mom because of fear, i didn't say no to ALOT of people and circumstances because i was afraid of getting hurt. My way around saying no? Lying and deceiving.
   What else did i learn? When my dad grits his teeth the likelyhood of me getting hurt goes up dramatically. i.e. i am unsafe in these situations and must withdraw from reality. I must isolate to feel safe. And i learned that every time MY kids sat no to my wife, i want to react just how i was taught.
   The sad thing about programming our FOFR so young is that we don't have the life experience or wisdom to interpret the situation correctly. So our memory develops into (drum roll) UNTRUTHFUL CORE BELIEFS!
   For example. Most of my life I've grown up believing that my mom didn't hate me, she just didn't care at all. She didn't talk, she didn't express feelings, she avoided confrontation. I took this to mean: I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love, i must be doing something wrong.(These are probably the most HUGE negative untruthful beliefs i have.)
   What is the reality? My mom grew up in a very mentally, verbally, and physically abusive home. Thus she never learned how to express or show emotions except to her animals. She didn't know how to trust either. And i didn't learn until about a year ago that she loves me VERY much! She just doesn't know how to show it. She's never learned and feels uncomfortable trying so when she does try, it comes off feeling fake and awkward.         But as a 5 year old i didn't know this. So i programmed myself to believe that i was a failure and unworthy of love.
   How does that effect me? I sought self gratification through fantasies, porn, and masturbation to make me feel loved and if worth.

The FOFR is triggered in any stressful or anxious circumstance. Because the subconscious does not see a difference in reality or fantasy, and because it has all our memories stored, when we get stressed, anxious, afraid, it recalls the memories that mimic the present situation the most.
   Another thing the subconscious doesn't differentiate is time. Memories aren't things of the "past" but at the moment they are recalled as if they were being lived through for the first time when the traumatic experience first happened. Thus in some situations we find ourselves reacting to certain situations as if we were a child. The reason, because the FOFR shuts down the cognitive brain to "save" you. So in those moment when you react like a child, it's because you WERE a child.
   Here's an example: (this is true, but some of the details and names have been changed or left out so that this doesn't turn into a book)
Sally is a business woman who works on walstreet...(wallstreet?) She is one of the best in her field, but for so many years she's failed to get the promotion she's always wanted. She is usually worthy of the promotion, but once the time told around to get promoted, she does something on accident or on purpose to miss out on that promotion.

Why? Why would she self-sabotage herself? (Wait, did i just say that twice in 2 different ways?) Why does she sabotage herself to not get the promotion even though she's the best one and most qualified for it?
    Well, she decided to see a certified therapist. She found out that she had the untruthful core belief that she wasn't good enough. She even told her therapist that she didn't know why, because by killing at factual evidence she really did deserve that promotion.
   Come to find out Sally had a memory of when she was five. Her mom and sister were walking with her in the park and her mom bought her sister a popsicle and not her. Thus, her young inexperienced mind tried to find out why, and what it came up with was, "i must not be a good person. I must not be worthy of the popsicle. (Or my heart's desire)." So every time she reached for something she really really wanted in her life, she always sabotaged that effort because the traumatic experience of her youth taught her that arriving for something and not getting it was too painful to bare a second time. Thus she would make herself fail on purpose.
   Was it her mom's fault? No. Did her mom know she hurt her so badly? Probably not. Is it my parents fault that i am an addict? No. Their fault was in not providing what needed provided, but not on my actions of taking what wasn't provided and trying to provide it for myself. My addiction is my own fault. I was definitely predisposed, but i turned it from a high possibility to a definite fact.
    So when i want to turn into the hulk when my kids are loco and my wife isn't giving me the attention or help i want and i get mad at them, i need to splash cold water on my face, take deep breaths, acknowledge that the problem is with me. My FOFR kicks in because why? Because i don't feel safe. Is that their fault or mine? Mine. Why don't i feel safe? Because my wife is taking their side, saying i need to relax instead of them. Why did that give me stress and hurt? Because i feel like I'm being disapproved of, because I'm feeling rejected. But why am i feeling that way? Because i am living in memories and present all as if they were happening at once, reliving the other billion times i felt rejected by wife, people, girlfriends, and finally, those first experiences with mom and dad. Where that untruthful core belief resides and keeps telling me, "I'm not worth it. I'm always wrong. I'm a disappointment. I am unworthy of love."
   These core beliefs govern our lives. They are the glass through which we see reality, and that glass is tinted and it is dirty. If we have any hope in recovery, it is through changing these core beliefs. Only then are we truly liberated from self destruction.