Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.

Where Are My War Buddies?

I'm not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a run for his money.

I currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.

I want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery. Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and want to hang out with.

I can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.

It seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)

Maybe I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies. Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can band together with.

I need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.

Sorry this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm saying.

And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.

Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.

What the Addict Imagines and What Really Happened

Hahaha, thought this was hilarious. Totally true. Hope you can read what is being said. Funny comic-strip. 

Living Now

I read something in A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Carnes. He talked about children.

       Children live in the present completely. They don't really have a past to relate to, and they have no concept of the future. They are 100% in the here and now.

     This means that they experience the present with all of their senses. They are totally in the now. We addicts need to be a lot more like them.

     It made me think of how the now is all we have.

      There is no past. We can't turn around and go back to it. We view the past as something behind us but that's only how we distinguish memories and life experiences. The past does not exist.

      The future is the same. It isn't in front of us. We can't view it. It doesn't exist. It's not real. We only put things in "the future" so that we can plan on certain things.

     So all we have is right now. It makes sense then why God says that we can change right now. We can choose to be a different person right now. At least people who aren't addicts can.

     So how does this apply to the addict?

       Because we can't focus on anything else other than now. Like I've said before, our perception of reality is flawed. We think of how things "should" be and what we "deserve". This isn't now.

     NOW is rolling down the window and feeling the air on your face. NOW is looking at all the trees with amazement if how tall they are and how magical it is that they exist. NOW is meeting people and being amazed that they are human and have their own likes and dislikes. NOW is feeling your feet in soft carpet, in a puddle. It's using all of your senses to the max. NOW is understanding your an addict and can fall at any second. NOW is accepting your wife for who she is right now. Not who she was before the fiasco when you were caught or when you told her, and not who she can be or will be. NOW is NOW.

     Addicts are less in the now than anyone. Every experience and sight and sound and sense transfers into what we want TO happen (in the future, which could be seconds or weeks or years away but still not real), how now isn't good enough, we believe that now doesn't give us what we want but it's all we really have.

     We know for a fact that as addicts we make tidal waves over spilt milk. We turn into the hulk and destroy city blocks at the drop of a hat. These little things boil our potatoes....(did that even make sense? Maybe that was a bad metaphor).

      I get frustrated with my children, not for the way they are acting right now, but because I "think" that if their behavior goes on unchecked now, it'll get worse when they are older. Again I'm thinking about the future and not the now.

       I cannot control the future because the future doesn't exist. (And because I'm an addict and control kills me.) To prepare for it is kind of hopeless because nothing ever goes according to my plans.

          It has been very helpful to me, when I see something or want to see something, while I'm at work or shopping or whatever, to stop and think, "one day at a time," and focus on what is going on around me. To keep myself in the present. I focus on the heat of the sun and how I can feel it cooking me. I roll down the window and feel the wind, and focus on the feel of the wind. It really helps me be open with wonder to realize how awesome life is.

    This pulls me out of my desire for lust. Because it grounds me in reality and in what I'm doing and nothing kills lust faster than reality.

      Because when I think about the Times I'm in an addict fueled state of mind and I'm seeking lust, I'm not in reality. When I'm arguing with my wife, or even I'm angry with her or the kids, I'm not in reality. I'm thinking 80 million steps ahead, "if the kids are loud now and I don't say anything they are going to get worse and worse!" (Worse and worse what?) "If she sees me doing (or not doing) this or that she's going to think I'm bad or acting out again!"

      

       Think about it. There are so many times I try and pre-empt what my wife "will say" and begin to have a discussion then argument in my head (at which I am always the victor). This isn't only bad because I'm thinking negatively, but I then react to reality as if we were fighting. I come home from work and I'm short with everyone and quick to anger and end up causing malcontent.

     The same is true when reading my wife's texts. (Or anyone's for that matter). I misread and add implications. I assume she's mad when she isn't. The reality is I have no idea what she's feeling unless she tells me. And I should never base anything of of what I think she's feeling unless I'm told or the expression is plain as day. (If she's smiling and laughing then she's happy.)

      One way to keep in contact with reality is to check how I'm feeling. Really feeling, throughout the day. Talk with (or text) my SA guys. Acknowledge my unmanageability constantly.these all help me stay present. They keep me from taking that first step into an alternate reality where I'm always right.

     It's hard work. I'm no where near that good at it yet. But then again, that's me not living in the now and trying to think of how long it will be before I'm really good at it.

    

I Don't Know How to Do Hard Things

I realized yesterday that I don't know how to do hard things. Really. This isn't a metaphor or anything. I'm not saying that I'm unable to do hard things, just that I don't know HOW to do them.

    

    This started when I was molested at 7 years old. My body AND my brain shut down. They didn't understand how to compute the data off what just happened and so programmed me to get physically tired and mentally in a fog. This made me unable to correctly judge what I was seeing feeling and hearing and let me guide myself into la la land to avoid pain, guilt, shock, trauma, uncomfortableness.

    Was me shutting down all my body's and mind's fault? To an extent yes. I have always had a good imagination and I've always been very creative, but I've also learned how to handle things by my parents.

    My dad was and is an addict. I would learn nothing from handling hard situations from him. He would isolate into history books or he would attack people or things he could control i.e. kids, wife, punching walls, break things. Is he fully to blame? No. And where did he learn his behavior? From his parents.

    My mom didn't know how to handle hard situations either. When ever she was faced with something hard, she isolated inside herself by not talking and living in her own head. She wasn't good with emotions. She didn't know how. And when she did speak when she was in a hard situation, it was full of passive aggressiveness. Is she fully to blame? No. She too learned her behavior from her parents.

    If it sounds like I'm trying to pass the blame, I'm not. At age 8 I was baptized and held accountable for my own actions. I do believe that just like an alcoholic still has a choice and still has some judgment, his perception is not clear. Looking through a glass darkly. Lust addicts are the same way. So is being raised by the foolish traditions of your fathers.

   Yesterday I confronted shame all day long. I'd start in on the "I'm bad" talk, realize I was doing it, change to the "I did something bad" go for a few minutes with a more positive attitude, and then the "I'm bad" phrase would slip back in almost unnoticed.

    It got me thinking about how I try to keep up the appearance of knowing and doing the right thing. For example, ever since I found out that one of my negative core beliefs was that I am not good enough, I'd try to act like it didn't affect me anymore. When my wife would ask if I was feeling like my negative core belief was true, I'd say no because I felt like I knew it wasn't true so I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

    This is a lie. I was thinking yesterday on how it would be impossible for me to assume that my negative core belief would change just with the understanding of it. I've been telling myself and believing that I wasn't good enough for almost 30 years. One day of realizing I've got it wrong doesn't change 20+ years of programming.

   Why do I fight with guilt and shame? Because I don't know how to do hard things. Working with guilt is hard. Maybe for the godly man it isn't, but for the addict is the plague. I've never dealt with it and taken it in and let it help me. I've always run from it.

     And that goes for everything hard. I'd daydream my way through, or fantasize, or lust, or look at porn, or act out. So really, since I learned how to evade hard things as a child, I'm running into hard things now and trying to get through them without the "drugs" to keep me from feeling how hard they are. What's more is its like using my underdeveloped child's mind to work through these hard things because I never developed how to.

       So, I don't know how to do hard things, (which is probably all important things) but at least I'm present enough to know that I don't know how to do them.

        One thing I've realized, affirmations help. Seriously. I've been telling myself I'm bad for so long, it's not going to change by itself. I need to tell myself good things as much as possible to at least negate the bad things I've told myself. It actually helps!

Guarding Sobriety

The other day at work we were at a woman's house getting rid of some things she didn't want anymore. When my co-worker wasn't around me the woman became a little flirtatious.

       I wasn't sure once we left, because we addicts always like to think we are God's most bestest gift to women. (Fantasy thinking for sure) but when I talked to my wife and others about it they assured me it was flirting.

        When she would say these flirtatious things I would just laugh and not give a response. Why? First, I just wasn't sure if she really was and second, I felt embarrassed for her. I felt obligatory to give a response so I wouldn't make her feel embarrassed or stupid.

   

         Then it suddenly hit me. WAIT A MINUTE! I'M THE ADDICT! I NEED TO PRESERVE MY LIFE!!! I cannot be swayed by what other people think or do. If I continue to think like that, I'm bound for hell.

          So then I just stopped being around her when my co-worker wasn't there. I would not meet her gaze, I would not look at her, I would not speak to her unless asked a question and then would only give short direct responses. I would not laugh at what she said or anything. It felt more than good, it felt awesome. I was standing up for myself, even if I was the only witness.

           We left soon after. I don't know if her feelings were hurt, but her feelings being hurt compared to me giving any little sway to my addiction is really no comparison at all. I cannot let anyone's thoughts or feelings get in the way of my sobriety. I cannot appear to be the nice "good" guy anymore if that means letting my addiction come closer and closer to fruition in even the slightest of ways. Because anything else would be suicide.

      I know what would have happened if I'd gone on giving her no response which would ultimately have been correctly translated to mean I was giving her a positive response to her flirting.

        It probably wouldn't have been that day, and I'd have to be WAY further into my addiction to commit physical adultery with another person, but I would have taken in that flirting like it was a bowl of nice hot brownies and cold ice cream. I'd have drank that cup of lust and sought out more and more until I gained enough resentment for my wife not being like my fantasy wife that I'd act out. I'd look up pornographic images in my head or reality and act on them, I'd eat like crazy, I'd sever my ties with reality and drift away in a sex fueled fantasy that would chain and bind me even more deeply to my addiction.

        It was a humbling experience and I'm glad I was able to recognize it enough to run from it.

         

       

      

Know Thyself

Alright, I've gotten to a point where I can't listen to certain things anymore without putting a foot down and making sure that addicts are aware of the doom they are putting themselves under.

    Here are some examples I've heard recently from people on online groups and PASG meetings:

"I did it again, I looked up some things I shouldn't have. But I went to my bishop because I want to make sure I'm clean enough to rebaptize my dad next week..."

"My bishop said if I can refrain from masturbating for six weeks, we'll talk about me being rebaptized..."

"I've been having problems with masturbating when I get up lately, and I'm glad my bishop is letting me bless our baby this coming Sunday..."

"I have six months of sobriety (though I've had done close calls) and I'm not allowed to be married in the temple..."

"I acted out last week, so I went to the temple yesterday and felt sooo much peace..."

A part of me knows where you're coming from. I've been there done that. I wish I could go back in time and strike myself down on several occasions.

   After hearing these kinds of statements I think, "Why would a bishop ever say that or allow him/her to do that? Why does that feel a little bit off to me?"

      There are a number of reasons why bishops give this false information out to us. I call it false because if they knew everything about addiction and addicts and how our insanity works, they'd never say these things.

First things first. If you've ever said one of these statements, chances are you lied to your bishop or stake president. You either outright lied, -"I don't look at porn or masturbate anymore"- OR you minimized. -"I haven't acted out in six months!" When actually it's been 3 weeks- either way these are both NOT truth. So you are partly to blame for your bishops decisions.

Second, I might get A Lot of flak on this..... (BECAUSE THESE ARE BOMBS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!)

Don't trust your bishop to know what to do.

BOOM....

Your bishop CANNOT help you with addiction unless he is a trained and licensed professional therapist.

BOOM...

Your bishop doesn't know when you are in recovery.

BOOM....

Are you still alive? Are you ready to kill me? Burn me at the stake. (Or stake center) haha.

     Can I at least tell you why first?

      I'm not saying your bishop is the bad guy. I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to his counsel. I'm sure he has great advice and spiritual insight. I agree that he is a Judge in Israel and is God's guide to helping you work through repentance from sin.

     And while acting out in addiction is a sin, having an addiction is something else entirely.

     In fact, 95% of the time, if not 98%, your bishop has NO CLUE about addiction. It's not their fault. They are not qualified and God has not qualified them to do that. He's qualified to take care of the members of his ward, help them with their repentance process and give them support and counsel.

    Most bishops have normal jobs. Some of them are contractors, bankers, teachers, and businessmen. They are human, they are men, fathers, husbands -- they are not therapists. Most know little about addiction and insanity. A really good bishop will recognize this and give you advice based on his knowledge from life and books he's read, and then get you to see a therapist or others who know more about it than he does.

       I've heard of bishops who say, "just stop."

      "Your husband is hurting and needs you"

      "You need to be more physically intimate with your husband"

     "You are not an addict"

     "Just wanting to change means you're in recovery"

These are examples of suggestions some bishops say that make no sense or do not apply to addicts.

Okay, I'll back off of bishops for the moment. In fact, most of my life I've had awesome inspired bishops that I've loved.

    

         So it comes down to this, are you really worthy to bless your baby if you've been acting out all week? Are you really worthy to enter the temple if you've looked at pornography and masturbated or fantasized about sex any time recently? Are you really worthy to give blessings, baptize, and stand in holy places if you are not holy?

       

          Doing these things just because a bishop (no matter how awesome he is) says you're ready when you really aren't, doesn't make you ready. And it doesn't make you blameless. In fact, because you know better, your blame is intensified. There is no get out of jail free card.

      You are accountable for opening your mouth as well as for closing it. If your bishop gives you false information, it is not only your responsibility to not go through with it, but it is also your responsibility to tell him why. Bishops NEED our help in understanding what addiction is and what it does.

       For doing these things; going to the temple, blessing or baptizing others, partaking off the sacrament -unworthy- brings us under heavier condemnation. Why? Because we aren't sober. We aren't being honest. And it buries us further in our shame and misery. It destroys not only us, but the trust and hope of our loved ones.

      If we were really sober, we wouldn't be hiding. We wouldn't be doing these things to "look" the part to everyone else around us. We'd be hearing that guilt inside is direct us to a better future.

When do i really relapse?

So I've been thinking about my relapse. I am definitely grateful to the addiction book: Sitting in a Row boat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship. Because it helped me take a step back and realize when the acting out really occurred. I didn't physically act out, by some people's standards i technically didn't even look at porn. There's been a few guys from my meetings who believe i didn't do anything wrong.
   But i did something wrong. I looked at images, was triggered, and decided to keep on looking. It's like Andrew's book says about the alcoholic that has the drink in front of him but doesn't drink it, yet imagines it in his hand, imagines the taste in his mouth, imagines how it will make him feel. He's triggering the same chemical reactions in his body as if he were drinking it.
   That's what i did. Yeah, the physical acting out might have added the repetitive nature and programming of the desire, but the viewing of it put me in an altered state of mind that was not reality. This altered state would make it easier to physically act out.This altered state i had resisted for months and it was getting easier and easier to stay away from it and also to recognize what was happening earlier on and being able to back out before it was too late.
   So i acted out. Triggered and followed old patterns, thus making them new. Thus making them more familiar again. Thus making my mind act as if i HAD physically acted out.
   I used to think that a relapse was physically acting out. i.e. masturbation. But came to the realization that if i kept that the definition of a relapse, i'd just keep on masturbating. Why? Because the viewing of pornography (ANY triggering material that i view with the intent to lust) would inevitably lead me to acting out physically anyway. Why? Because viewing it and imagining it creates the same chemical responses and makes them stronger.
   So now i have to set down the new rule/guideline to keep me away from even viewing that stuff. Because if viewing it is a relapse, then i need to take a step back from that.
   That must mean that the actions i take before viewing pornography are relapse actions right?
   So, what were those actions? If i go through my actions and view them with no blame and in the full light of reality, and go through them with a sponsor, and even my wife, i realized that it all comes down to honesty/vulnerability.
   If i am not vulnerable with my feelings, and i am not honest about them, i will relapse. That is a fact. I need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it as complete fact. There is no way around it.
   What does that mean? I have to be "weak" and vulnerable to my wife, to my sponsor, to other men in the program. I've got to be open. I HAVE to be an open book. Writing it in my journal isn't enough. And i have to be honest to the point of blaming myself. Accepting that my anxiety, frustrations, anger, is all mine. All of it.
   Here's my personal example. I was telling my wife that i didn't share my feelings with her because i knew how she would respond. (First off do i actually know how she's going to respond each time? Of course not. This is another example of fantasy being seen as reality.)
   I said she would respond with a half hearted, "I'm sorry hun," as she continued doing whatever else she was doing.
   When i told her this she said, "you can't blame this on me."
   I went on to assure her that i wasn't blaming her because i knew i was supposed to tell her how i was feeling, but that i decided not to.
   After going back and forth for awhile, her understanding more and more how very much insane i am, and confused as to why i didn't think i was blaming, and me completely confident that i wasn't blaming, she then said, "if you knew what you should do despite my actions then you would have done it."
   I disagreed yet again. I said that i knew what i should do, but decided not to tell her anyway. Her response was, "why?"
   My first response, classic addict response, "i don't know." But then i thought about it. U knew i should tell her but since i thought i knew what her response would be, i decided not to.
   I WAS blaming her. I decided i wouldn't share my feelings because of the actions i thought she would take. So, i decided not to share my feelings based on HER actions.
   Maybe to normal people, this was obvious, but to me it wasn't. This revelation exploded in my brain. I WAS blaming her, but in a sneaky way that i didn't even realize i was doing.
   She was right. If i knew i should tell her no matter what, then i would have. Why? Because I'd have NO REASON NOT TO!
   I was just looking at my decision not to tell her as if that was me accepting blame, but in reality i was accepting blame for not telling her based on how i thought she would act, which isn't accepting blame, but putting it on her! If i didn't think of how she would react, and came up on the thought, "i know i should tell my wife..." then i would have just told my wife.
   This sent my thoughts on to everything else I'd done (or hadn't done) in the past, or even present. Things that i thought i was accepting blame for but really wasn't.
1. I "accepted" blame for choosing not to go to church because i find it boring and because one of my children were sick. But this isn't accepting blame. This is stating that church is boring and one of my kids is sick, and THOSE are the reasons i don't go. I'm blaming it on them.
2. I haven't been working the program because I've been busy with work and kids and don't have a lot of time. I'm blaming work and kids and time.

I have to accept full responsibility, that's the only way to commit to right action. So, relapsing will be when i don't share my feelings and being vulnerable, but I'm probably going to have to put a time limit on it, as in, within 24hrs. We'll practice at this and see how it goes.

ALSO: heard a few people ask about when and how to decide about changing a sobriety date. I was going to write the answer as a comment but it got too long. I made the When Do I Relapse? Part 2 specifically in regards to this question.

Untruthful Core Beliefs part 1

Ok, here is where i give you the big reveal. This is why all addicts have issues. This is why all addicts, even though they've been shown or told a better way, usually go back to doing the same thing over and over again.
   I'll give an example. An addict friend texts me and says he's in a bad place, as in stressed, isolating, feeling anxious and angry. The perfect cocktail for looking at pornography and acting out, which he did.
   I ask, "why?"
   His response, "my wife had been annoyed with me lately because of the pain my addiction has brought upon her. She's been very different lately.
And i didn't get good sleep, and my kids were being very disruptive and bugging me."
   This is not the answer.
   It's funny because even when we claim to know our addiction is our choice, we still fall back on these outside sources as to the reasons why. As if those are the reason.
   BUT WHY ARE THOSE THE REASON?
   If we only go off of those being the reasons, the best that we can accomplish is learning how to deal with the emotions that those situations bring up in us. It doesn't help us to not get those feelings in the first place. And what we need is to only get those feelings at the appropriate time.
   Ha. Maybe i should take a step back. First off, we need to learn what feelings are. I, as an addict, an emotionally retarded. Once i used my addiction as a way to cope, i did not learn how to deal with emotions and progress emotionally. So i have the emotional capability of a 10 year old. (If that, considering the life style i lived in) when my therapist asked how i felt about things and my first response would always be, "i don't know" and he'd laugh and say that was a typical addict response. Not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because i really don't know. I don't recognize what my feelings are or what they mean. My therapist actually printed out a paper with faces on it that showed different emotions and then had the list of those emotions under it. And it was my job to check my feelings every so often and distinguish what they were and why.
   So, going back to the things that set us off. Why?
   I'll give you my own for instance:
I'm at home, all our kids are home, my wife is home, and i feel like everything is out of control. My senses go all out of wack and i feel like my head is filling with static and voices. This is the "tell". This is when I'm going to turn into the hulk and destroy about four city blocks better i calm down.
   Why do i get this way? Is it because my kids were being...well...kids? Was it because the house is a mess? Or because my wife isn't being as "friendly" as i want her to be?
   Am i really believing that outside circumstances are dominating my life? Well, that's actually impossible. So what makes me freak out? Is it really the kids, the house, or my wife? No. I freak out because of ME.
   Alot of times we end up excepting this, and then trying to deal with it when it happens. While this is good, it doesn't solve the problem. It's like trying not to use a broken leg. It might not hurt if we don't bump it or use it, but it's much more efficient to go get it set and fixed by a doctor. Because our broken leg WILL get bumped and we WILL have to use it.
    Trying to get rid of anger or anxiety or stress that triggers outbursts or acting out isn't right either. First off, that's impossible. Second, these feelings are imperative to our progression and eternal being. They are for our benefit. Anger is a good response for certain circumstances. Anger is brought up when we believe our lives are threatened or our liberties are being taken away. Fear is triggered when we believe we are going to end or feel pain.
   The problem is that we've programmed these feelings too be triggered at perceived threats, when those threats aren't actually there.
   Think about it. I get angry at my children literally because i perceive them as a threat to my life. Looking at the situation rationally i know my kids don't REALLY want to kill me. (At least not yet. Not till they're older anyway.) Or fear- will i really die if i tell my wife the truth and she divorces me? (i.e. didn't love me anymore). Well i really be miserable forever without her?
   So why do we do this? How did we program our brain to respond so irrationally?
   Trauma
Our Flight Or Fight Response (or FOFR for short) is an amazing thing. Whenever we perceive threats (real or imagined because our subconscious does not distinguish between real and make believe) our FOFR kicks in to try and save our life. Do we run or fight? Running doesn't have to be literally running away. It can mean we shut down, we isolate, we don't speak. We avoid. We lie. Or we fight. Get defensive. Physically/verbally/mentally attack. Throw blame. Yell.
   So then...when did we program our brain? How is our FOFR perceiving unrealistic threats?
   I do not remember the specific dates, but we program our brain from ages 1-7 or 2-7. This is when you take in the world and process information. Stove is hot, ice is cold, food makes hunger go away, consequences to actions, etc.
   This is also when the child is taught about trusting, love, fear, and danger.
  Our FOFR is programmed from these first experiences. This is when we first had traumatic experiences and our brains essentially says, "this hurt me. I do not EVER want this to happen again!" And sets up a FOFR to help us get it of a painful event.
    So, an experience from my early childhood: one night (i was around 4 or 5 at the time) i told my mom no. My dad slapped me across the face and said through gritted teeth, "don't you ever tell your mom no!"
   My brain exploded with sensory input and chemicals and said, "i don't want this to ever happen again. This really hurts, i feel Seperated from my main sources of love, i need to buy key this ever happen again."
   So, not only did i never say no to my mom because of fear, i didn't say no to ALOT of people and circumstances because i was afraid of getting hurt. My way around saying no? Lying and deceiving.
   What else did i learn? When my dad grits his teeth the likelyhood of me getting hurt goes up dramatically. i.e. i am unsafe in these situations and must withdraw from reality. I must isolate to feel safe. And i learned that every time MY kids sat no to my wife, i want to react just how i was taught.
   The sad thing about programming our FOFR so young is that we don't have the life experience or wisdom to interpret the situation correctly. So our memory develops into (drum roll) UNTRUTHFUL CORE BELIEFS!
   For example. Most of my life I've grown up believing that my mom didn't hate me, she just didn't care at all. She didn't talk, she didn't express feelings, she avoided confrontation. I took this to mean: I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love, i must be doing something wrong.(These are probably the most HUGE negative untruthful beliefs i have.)
   What is the reality? My mom grew up in a very mentally, verbally, and physically abusive home. Thus she never learned how to express or show emotions except to her animals. She didn't know how to trust either. And i didn't learn until about a year ago that she loves me VERY much! She just doesn't know how to show it. She's never learned and feels uncomfortable trying so when she does try, it comes off feeling fake and awkward.         But as a 5 year old i didn't know this. So i programmed myself to believe that i was a failure and unworthy of love.
   How does that effect me? I sought self gratification through fantasies, porn, and masturbation to make me feel loved and if worth.

The FOFR is triggered in any stressful or anxious circumstance. Because the subconscious does not see a difference in reality or fantasy, and because it has all our memories stored, when we get stressed, anxious, afraid, it recalls the memories that mimic the present situation the most.
   Another thing the subconscious doesn't differentiate is time. Memories aren't things of the "past" but at the moment they are recalled as if they were being lived through for the first time when the traumatic experience first happened. Thus in some situations we find ourselves reacting to certain situations as if we were a child. The reason, because the FOFR shuts down the cognitive brain to "save" you. So in those moment when you react like a child, it's because you WERE a child.
   Here's an example: (this is true, but some of the details and names have been changed or left out so that this doesn't turn into a book)
Sally is a business woman who works on walstreet...(wallstreet?) She is one of the best in her field, but for so many years she's failed to get the promotion she's always wanted. She is usually worthy of the promotion, but once the time told around to get promoted, she does something on accident or on purpose to miss out on that promotion.

Why? Why would she self-sabotage herself? (Wait, did i just say that twice in 2 different ways?) Why does she sabotage herself to not get the promotion even though she's the best one and most qualified for it?
    Well, she decided to see a certified therapist. She found out that she had the untruthful core belief that she wasn't good enough. She even told her therapist that she didn't know why, because by killing at factual evidence she really did deserve that promotion.
   Come to find out Sally had a memory of when she was five. Her mom and sister were walking with her in the park and her mom bought her sister a popsicle and not her. Thus, her young inexperienced mind tried to find out why, and what it came up with was, "i must not be a good person. I must not be worthy of the popsicle. (Or my heart's desire)." So every time she reached for something she really really wanted in her life, she always sabotaged that effort because the traumatic experience of her youth taught her that arriving for something and not getting it was too painful to bare a second time. Thus she would make herself fail on purpose.
   Was it her mom's fault? No. Did her mom know she hurt her so badly? Probably not. Is it my parents fault that i am an addict? No. Their fault was in not providing what needed provided, but not on my actions of taking what wasn't provided and trying to provide it for myself. My addiction is my own fault. I was definitely predisposed, but i turned it from a high possibility to a definite fact.
    So when i want to turn into the hulk when my kids are loco and my wife isn't giving me the attention or help i want and i get mad at them, i need to splash cold water on my face, take deep breaths, acknowledge that the problem is with me. My FOFR kicks in because why? Because i don't feel safe. Is that their fault or mine? Mine. Why don't i feel safe? Because my wife is taking their side, saying i need to relax instead of them. Why did that give me stress and hurt? Because i feel like I'm being disapproved of, because I'm feeling rejected. But why am i feeling that way? Because i am living in memories and present all as if they were happening at once, reliving the other billion times i felt rejected by wife, people, girlfriends, and finally, those first experiences with mom and dad. Where that untruthful core belief resides and keeps telling me, "I'm not worth it. I'm always wrong. I'm a disappointment. I am unworthy of love."
   These core beliefs govern our lives. They are the glass through which we see reality, and that glass is tinted and it is dirty. If we have any hope in recovery, it is through changing these core beliefs. Only then are we truly liberated from self destruction.

Recovery: Being Born Again

So here is something i hear alot about from other addicts and the spouses of addicts pertaining to the "no slips in recovery" argument:

-"I don't agree with the no slips in recovery because it's demoralizing."
-"The addict feels like they have to be perfect, which makes them feel hopeless."
-"They won't try because it seems impossible"

There's more, but they come to the same types of conclusions.
Now, I'm not in recovery. I'm not close to being in recovery. I've got a little over 9 months of sobriety. So i can't tell you what someone in true recovery can tell you. I've never experienced life at that level. I can say that while I've believed this, (that there are no slips in recovery) my sobriety has been the longest ever, and the people i know in the different sex addiction programs, some of them my good friends, who believe that slips are ok, maintain a few weeks of sobriety at a time.

Addicts Only Respond To Pain and Loss

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm sitting in a PASG meeting, and I'm more aware of how insane we as addicts are. We are so completely nuts, and until we crash and burn, we don't get it.
   I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
   "The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
   I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
   I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
   These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
   And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.

   Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
   This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
   I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
   So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
   Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
   So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
   Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
   I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
   My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
   What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
   Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
   My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
   Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
   I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
   I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
   I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
   Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
   I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety. 

Transformers Daydream

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Transformers Daydream...
   I like the Transformers movie. It's funny. It's entertaining. But I've begun to realize that my daydreams were basically the Transformers movie repeated in various ways that ended up turning more and more sexual.
   The Transformers movie is about a kid that isn't doing much to improve his life. As far as we know his only goal is to have sex with girls that look like they are from adult magazines.
   All this crazy stuff happens to him, robot aliens try to kill him, and he's somehow forced to gain some sense of honor and truth and in turn he gets the porn star girlfriend that REALLY and truly "loves" him because...Well, because of all these good qualities he has that we haven't seen in the movie but are sure these qualities exist.
   That's how my daydreams roll. I start thinking, "what if terrorists decided to hold up this Wal-Mart?" Or, "what if I'm driving and this lady comes running up asking for help, i let her in and some dudes start chasing us with machine guns?" And if course in my daydreams I'm young and incredibly for and good looking. I go through these ordeals, and through the course of my daydream and fending off hordes of evil men to protect this beautiful woman,  this woman I'm saving falls in love with me and me with her. We have sex and live happily ever after.
   Sounds like most action movies right? So what is the consequence with this daydream besides that by the end i feel triggered? EVERYTHING.

4 Things That Have Helped Me Work Toward Recovery in Pornography Addiction

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm no where close to being in recovery. (Recovery how I define it anyway) I am going on my 3rd year of working the LDS church's 12 step PASG program. And this is probably the first year that I've really WORKED it. This is the first time in my life I have had 113 days of sobriety. I'm not saying that there's no way I'm going to act out again. Heck, I can't even guarantee that i won't relapse today. It's a moment by moment opportunity. Albeit a bad one. And the 113 days actually count for nothing, but the changes of behavior that occur within the time of sobriety count for something. Anyone can have long periods of sobriety. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once a day, that's their addiction cycle.if someone looks at pornography/acts out once a week that's their addiction cycle, if someone looks at pornography once a month, that's their addiction cycle. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once A YEAR, that's their addiction cycle. The time in between that they call "sobriety" is actually spent feeling guilt and shame and "white knuckling". Those are parts of the addiction cycle. I have been sober for 113 days and have noticed behavioral changes. There are a few reasons to this.

1. My wonderful wife kicked me out of the house.