SOMEONE’S COMMENT TO MY POST “DALLEN H. OAKS ARTICLE and ADDICTS”

SOMEONE’S COMMENT TO MY POST “DALLEN H. OAKS ARTICLE and ADDICTS” and my following response. I am sorry but I’m long winded.

AnonymousJuly 7, 2016 at 10:51 PM

I don't agree. I believe the article was written to all people who have a problem viewing pornography, young and old, male and female.

I think the "addict" label gets thrown around way to much among porn viewers, which I think is why Elder Oaks was inspired to write this article. It's almost as if these so called addicts want everyone to throw them a pity party. It has become a crutch for some, because "hey, I can't help it. I'm an addict".

In the psychology community there is debate on whether pornography is even a real addiction, as they define the term. I've known drug addicts and how crazy they can get, even dangerous, when they don't get their fix. I don't know any pornography users that act that way when they've been without.

Even so, I agree with Elder Oaks' measured approach in that pornography is addicting, just not in the same way as substance abuse. I used to think I was an addict until reading his article. And no, I don't rationalize my relapses. Evil is still evil no matter how many times you view it. All the levels are evil besides inadvertent exposure, but I identify with the "occasional use", because when I do slip it is intentional, but honestly it is far and few between, and Yes I do visit the bishop every time it happens, which thankfully is a lot less these days. I probably used to be an addict, but through a lot of work and God's grace, I've moved away from that. A lot of people like to paint pornography addiction like alcoholism, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I totally disagree, at least that hasn't been my experience. I'm disgusted by what I used to view; not perfect yet, but I'm not an addict anymore. The reason I know this is because addicts can't do occasional use. They might white knuckle for awhile, but when they slip it lasts for awhile. Just think about it. Maybe cut yourself a break and stop calling yourself an addict. Don't stop what you're doing to overcome it, but drop the label. I guess some might say it's just semantics, but words are powerful, and there is a lot of meaning expressed by the word "addicted" which is harmful to those who really aren't.

 MY RESPONSE:

I'm sorry you feel that way. I obviously disagree with you, but that's totally okay.

I believe that someone who keeps coming back to it, can't stop it, is powerless over it (shown by going back to it and not being able to stop it) is addicted. If I'm powerless over my drug of choice, I'm addicted. Whether I look at it a lot or a little, if I can't leave it, I'm addicted to it.

I also don't believe that someone can be an addict and then not be an addict. I agree with the term "Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic" because I know this to be true of myself. God has definitely worked a mighty miracle in me, a day of sobriety to me is as big a miracle as Jesus healing the blind, causing the lame to walk, raising the dead. Sobriety each day is a miracle of God's grace to me.

I don't believe the label "addict" get's thrown around enough. Not in a serious manner. Addicts that use such phrases like, "I can't help it, I'm an addict." Are also those who are not working toward sobriety and eventual recovery. They use it as a justification for their habit. That in no way show's any work towards sobriety. Including the 1st step, which is honesty.

I do say that pornography addiction is a low ball phrase for the much greater addiction, Lust. I don't need pornography to lust, I can use my head. I can lust in different ways. I can make the most basic things become pornographic to my broken brain. If you'd like some good insight into the destructive process lust and pornography and sex have on the brain, He Restoreth My Soul is a good book to read. We KNOW, yeah, know as in proven evidence, that an addiction to lust/pornography destroys the brain, especially the frontal lobe.

I KNOW the dangers of porn/lust addicts. I've met and talked to several who have planned out the murder of their wives and children. I don't know any porn addict who has not been abusive to his wife and kids. I know men who have molested their siblings, who have given their wives various sexually transmitted diseases, some of which have caused miscarriage. These are very very very dangerous things that sex/porn/lust addicts do when they need their fix. If Jesus himself said to lusteth after someone in their heart is the same as adultery, and that adultery was the second worst thing you can do, other than deny the Holy Ghost, then I put sex/lust/porn addiction at the top of the "dangerous addictions" list.

I have witnessed my own wife, upon finding out about my addiction, DOUBT GOD. I don't know if there is anything more damaging to one's eternal progression than to DOUBT their connection to God. Depending on what they choose at this juncture, this is worse than death. I personally know spouses of these addicts, who had experienced other addictions, drugs, alcohol, prescription pills, who would MUCH rather have their spouses addicted to those instead of pornography.

As the "White Book" or Sexaholics Anonymous book states, "Lust killed Love..." And that is true. Lust destroys the mind. Lust perverts and twists my view of reality SO much that I cannot see it clearly.

So for you to say that you do not know any pornography users that go crazy when they don't get their fix tells me that they aren't being honest with you, or you aren't being honest with me. Unless you are one of those people that have just a "little problem" and "can stop at any time". If you are one of those, I have no idea about anything you are talking about. I'm not a "normal person". I'm an addict.

I also believe that Dallen H Oaks wrote it for the youth because he said that he did. And I believe that since he's an apostle and called of God to be such, then in some way he must agree with Jeffery R Hollands talk about pornography

http://utahcoalition.org/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-the-plague-of-pornography/

Titled "The Plague of Pornography" where he tells us all, if we knew how dangerous this was, we would really be treating it like the plague. It would be broadcast on every News source, people would be shouting it from the rooftops, warning their neighbors, etc.

So, Since Jeffery R Holland is right, and Dallen H Oaks is right, then pornography addiction is real and it is very very serious and DANGEROUS.

If you are one of the lucky few that can stop and stay stopped. That's awesome man. That's so great and I am so happy that you don't have to go through what I've gone through. Good for you.

I have loads and loads of materials by renown psychologists, scientists, psychiatrists, and smart people that can show factual proof of the dangers of pornography/Sex/Lust addiction if you'd like me to pass on the info.

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you speaking what you believe. God bless.

DALLEN H OAKS ARTICLE AND ADDICTS

Dallen H. Oaks came out with an article not too long ago about the several severities of porn addiction. There seems to be a lot going on about this article.

     1st, it was directed to the youth, those who have had far less time with a bad habit or “little problem" and not adults who have repeated this act over and over until it has become an addiction. Why post it in the Ensign then? Probably for parents with teens.

     2nd, IF YOU ARE USING DALLEN H. OAKS’S ARTICLE TO JUSTIFY YOUR LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATION, YOU ARE AN ADDICT. If you are trying to find ways to justify to yourself, to your wife, and to others that you AREN'T an addict, then you are an addict.

     Clarification? Pornography and masturbation are bad. Remember Christ saying if you lust in your heart you've committed adultery? Remember somewhere else in the scriptures where Christ says adultery is second only to denying the Holy Ghost? If it's that bad, then stop it. If you can't you have lost your control over it and it controls you. That means you are addicted.

     There might very well be levels of porn lookers, I understand that. Dallen H Oaks talks about that. Once those porn lookers have read Oaks’s article and realized it was bad and stopped and stayed stopped, awesome. That means they weren't addicted.

    But if they stopped and where super strong at first and then felt crazy by 3 months, and then relapsed, they are addicted. If they struggled by the 3 month mark, but then overcame the trail and went 7 months, 12 months, 2 years, and relapsed, they are addicted, and if they are addicted the article by Dallen H Oaks is not applicable to them.

    Pornography addiction is cancer. It either grows or it is in remission. If you aren't addicted and you continue to look at porn, you will be addicted. Why? Because not following God's commandments brings guilt. We either do something positive with that guilt, or we run from it. Which means we generate fear over guilt inside of us and create this repelling agent called shame. Shame causes us to hide and keep doing things we shouldn't. The more shame we experience, the more we have, the more we have to do to run from it. it's cumulative, and the only way to get away from it is to accept defeat, accept the shame, accept guilt, confess, repent, NOT DO IT AGAIN.

      What do you call someone that keeps repenting over the committing of the same sins again and again? An addict, or at the very least insane.

     Sorry, I'm just really tired of guys trying to use an apostle’s article to justify them not being “that"bad.

     A recent article by about addict claims that some guys shouldn't think they are, or be told they are addicts when they aren't. I find it slightly laughable. Because what's the worst that can happen by going to SAL addiction meetings? You feel the spirit and love in a fellowship too much? You are taught how to better communicate with God? You begin to see positive character change? We wouldn't want that.

      Addicts lie, addicts hide, addicts deceive, manipulate, cover up, tell misguided truths. Addicts don't want to change, not at first. Remember we are riding shotgun for our addiction most of the time.

    Our addiction, or how many of us in SAL like to call it, our addict, really is like cancer, but it's a sophisticated concert that is self-aware and will do whatever possible to survive. Don't let yourself be conned into thinking “all is well".

IS DRINKING CAFFEINE HELPING MY ADDICTION?

Is Drinking Caffeine Helping My Addiction?

Yes. Yes it is.

I remember going on to the Rowboatandmarbles.org website and reading the article about the guy who decided to so drinking caffeinated soda because it was too triggering for him. I'd chuckled at it. Really? Soda was helping him relapse? What kind of weird fantasy did he have going on.

    Was I addicted to caffeine? Yeah. I'd been drinking it all my life. I was a Pepsi guy. I'd drink it all the time. We'd buy a 12 pack and it would be gone in just 2 days. I loved the stuff.

    I'd tried stopping before. Once I stopped drinking for at least 3 months and lost a lot of weight. So every now and again I'd try stopping it to try and lose weight. This would last for maybe a week. (Which in addict speak I'd like half a week.) But I'd always go back.

    I knew when I was addicted because when I would go a day without it I'd get headaches that were hard to manage with ibuprofen. It could make me a little irritable. I'd crave it during my working hours and stop at gas stations to get a 44oz. (They are only 79¢!) I'd lie about it. That is to say, I would not tell my wife when I'd buy them, even after she told me she wanted to know when I did.

    But I wasn't using! (i.e. Looking at anything pornographic or anything, no matter how innocent seeming, with sexual intent.) So why did I have to tell her this? She was just trying to manage my life! Haha.

    I've gotten kidney stones a number of times and the doctors agreed that it was probably from all the soda consumption. I've been basically dehydrated for most of my life. I had kidney stones because of soda!

    Did you know that doctors say that passing kidney stones are about as close to the pain of childbirth that a man can get? I've been told by some female doctors that kidney stones are actually worse. I couldn't tell you obviously, but I do know that they are the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with.

    Did the pain of kidney stones help me stop soda? I think the first time I stopped for maybe a week and a half. (Addict speak: almost a week). The next couple of times, none. I didn't stop. The thought of a world where I couldn't drink soda was insane.

    And besides, the caffeine didn't affect me anymore. I could knock back a few cans of soda and go right to sleep. Granted I have sleep apnea so it has never been the most restful sleep.

    The thought of caffeine helping my lust addiction was almost laughable. It wasn't like I was drunk or anything. Caffeine didn't hinder my judgment.

    I was a Damn fool. (I guess technically I still am.)

    Then one day I asked my wife a question that has destroyed my ignorance.

“What's the half-life of caffeine?”

    For those who don't know, the half-life of a drug or chemical is basically how long traces of it remain in your system.

    “12 hours.”

    If I'd been drinking something I would have spit it out. 12 hours? 12 hours! Holy Crap! That's half a day? So basically I had almost never been off of caffeine for the last 15 years.

    I then got to see what kind of webs spiders make on different drugs and then what kind of web they make on caffeine. The thing was messed up.

Seriously. Even the spider on LSD had a better web! So this was my brain. Well actually, it was worse!

       If a sex addict brain looks similar to someone who's been in a car accident and received frontal lobe trauma then what would my brain scan look like? How grossly messed up had my brain become?

So, we looked into caffeine. Holy poop. Did you know caffeine impaired your cognitive brain? Thus making it easier for the basic human instincts and Flight or Fight Response to take over?

      I mean, we've all known and debated how caffeine is “bad". I used to be great at defending my billion Pepsi's a day. And to tell you the truth, I can say that maybe healthy normal people can drink it, be impaired for a little while (at least a day) but not to the point of anything really self destructive. I don't know.

But I'm an addict. I'm a Lust addict, and my brain is ALREADY damaged and broken.

     It dawned on me that I was trying to keep my brain broken. Not on purpose, but I was basically letting a doctor (God) try and do brain surgery on me (to keep me sober) and then beat myself on the head with a hammer (soda). No wonder I was always stumbling about in a stupor. (Part of that being ADHD).

       No wonder things weren't changing faster, and that I was slow to pick up what was being taught.

       I realized that while yes, I'm an addict, relapse is always a possibility (should say a reality, addicts use. Without God a relapse wouldn't be a possibility it's just fact), but I was HELPING me make that more and more realized. I was HELPING me stay in addict mode. I was HELPING me have less empathy. I was HELPING me have less connection with God.

     So I stopped. I haven't had caffeinated beverages since February. And I try not to have sugary soda either. (I'm scared to find out what sugar in and of itself does to my already broken brain).

       I tell you what, it sucked at first, and sometimes still does. I had a headache for about 2 weeks. I actually got really sick right after, and I'm not sure if that was because of the detox or because I caught something. I went through a period of crawling out of my skin and being irritated.

       I know my brain is still healing from that abuse, but I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. I find it JUST as important as working the program and going to therapy. Maybe it helped so much because I've been working the program and seeing a therapist.

      But I have seen tremendous behavior change since I've stopped. I've had a huge HUGE increase in empathy. There have been hundreds of times now where I've walked into one of my kids rooms, or into their arguments, or whatever it may be, and actually RECOGNIZED the looks on their faces!

       I've been able to register, “He/she looks scared. What am I doing that makes them look scared?” And change how I look as i approach a situation so that they know I'm not mad.

       I've been able to say something to a child and see the look on their face afterward adds think, “they are sad. I said something that hurt them.” And then be able to assure them that I'm not mad and that I love them and give them reasons WHY I need them to stop screaming or pick up their mess and let them know they are good.

      It's been awesome. Other side effects, eating out just isn't as fun to do anymore. I don't care for it as much. The excitement is gone if I can't have my Pepsi.

      But it helps keep me sober. It helps me be in the present and enjoy life so much more. I interact with others better, I understand more. There is a level if clearness in my thoughts and brain that I haven't experienced before. I'm grateful for the clarity.

        As always, feel free to comment and ASK QUESTIONS. There's a soft and comfy blanket of obscurity over lust addiction. Let's take off the blankets, drag it out from the shadows, and let  light extinguish the dark. Shine out the dark.

Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.