The LDS ARP 90 Day Program...No Bueno

There's this thing in PASG/ARP called the “90 Day Program”. It is different than the 90 Day Program of AA and SA where you go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

     The 90 Day Program of ARP is a program of going through and completing the steps and becoming a sponsor in 90 days. If it sounds insane, it's because it is.

     In my time going to PASG meetings I've met plenty of guys who work the 90 Day Program. There is almost no one among them who has any amount of sobriety and more importantly, positive behavior change. I've seen a lot claim such things, some claim to have large amounts of sobriety, all of them I trust about as far as I can throw a piano.

     I know, I know. First off, we're all addicts at these meetings and all of us are liars. Definitely true. But I do know when someone is being humble and there is huge character change and growth. You can't help but see it. I'm not talking about the, “He doesn't yell at the kids anymore!” Type deal. I'm talking about the guy that changes behavior so much that he begins to learn empathy. Who doesn't just stop yelling at them, but learns to understand them, feel their pain with them, and comforts them.

     At first my feelings for the ARP 90 Day Program were just confusion. Why shove through it at break neck speed? If we are going to be doing this for the rest of our lives, why try and get through it as fast as possible. Why work a program that makes you use the internet morning and night? You want me to email you every morning and every night? When I first started in the program, just seeing a computer with internet access was triggering for me.

     Then I began to see a pattern. Guys would either a) work the 90 Day Program and change, but not for the better. They got cocky, prideful, and more dishonest. They turned into the robots at PASG meetings that talked about the “right"way to work the program and nothing was wrong with them ever after. They turned into the vast majority of guys in my elders quorum. Or b) they'd relapse right around their 90 Day mark.

     Friends of mine who had worked it and then failed or stopped would say, “ya but it really did good at forcing my to do my dailies.”

     Forcing?

     “Yeah, forcing me to get up and do the dailies, or else I'd have to tell my sponsor that I didn't and then get chewed out.”

     Chewed out? Forced? Didn't sound great to me. When I asked, “Shouldn't a good sponsor try and help you do the dailies anyway?” They'd get this confused look on their face. “Yeah I guess so?”

     Since those early days I've learned a lot more. Some if it small stuff, some of it quite huge to me.

     In the ARP 90 Day Program, there is one guy in charge of everything. The creator of the “program" is the decided on who can sponsor and who can't. In fact, everyone in the 90 Day Program has to send him their step 4 inventory. He judges you on your worthiness. This didn't sit right with me. I'm a big believer in the saying, “absolute power corrupts absolutely".

     I'll tell you a secret. I'm a Lust/porn/sex addict. This also means that I LOVE no LUST for positions of power. I'm prideful. I think I'm right and everyone else is wrong. I need to be in control.

     AA went through a lot of errors shortly after it began. There's a book called “12 Steps and 12 Traditions”. It explains why they created 12 traditions for AA to live by.

One of those traditions is in place so that the program is run by a voted on committee, not a singular person. Bill, one of the founders of AA sry this position in place to protect the program from people like him. He was also self-centered, prideful, and wanted power. He knew the dangers of having one man in control of a whole program, knowing the danger it possessed.

     In the ARP 90 Day Program, they tell you that toy have to have a resentment list of over so many hundred. If your don't, then your are lying and need to rework the list or drop out.

     Thus doesn't sit right. We're obviously going to have resentments, that's a given, but I'm the one that feels the resentments. If I can't think of anyone else I'm resentful toward after I've put forth an honest effort and it doesn't come I up to the amount someone thinks it should, that's ok. Because guess what? I'm going to be revisiting this step over and over throughout the rest of my life.

     I'm also not okay with the 90 Day Program relapse policy. If you “slip" or relapse, your “sponsor" technically had to dump you. That's a bunch of B.S. In my opinion.

     We learn as addicts, at least I did and continue to learn that God loves me and wants me to succeed. And no matter how many times I fall, if I'm willing, His mercy is sufficient for me. Rejecting someone as a sponsie after they've relapsed is a very damaging thing. A sponsor is supposed to be there for support, encouragement, and love. If I was perfect enough to not ever relapse I wouldn't be an addict in the first place.

     After completing your 90 days, you are set free to sponsor others.

Sponsor others after 90 days of sobriety….

Through the muscle of modern advansenents in the medical field, we now have the ability to do brain scans to see what areas in a person's brain are working and functioning.

     After 90 days of sobriety, your brain begins the process of rewiring.

     BEGINS THE PROCESS.

     This means that the brain STARTS the process of developing new pathways to think and react that don't lead back to porn and masturbation.

     This is also when we get to go through that wonderful thing called WITHDRAWAL.

Can I just say that withdrawal sucks. Like, for real. It sucks. I never expected to go through them. I mean, it wasn't like I was addicted to alcohol or drugs. Hahaha. For me withdrawal was the mental/emotional equivalent to having kidney stones, of which I've had a few. It sucks. It really really sucks.

     I can honestly say I was not in my right mind. It was like my body and brain were aware that I had not used these neural pathways (looking at porn, masturbation, sex, and lesser lust drive) to satisfy anxiety, stress, and my chemical dependence on them, and since I didn't know a knew way to relieve all that fear anxiety stress, all the warning bells, whistles, alarms were sounding and my insides where desperate to find some way to “survive", because I'd taught myself that without my drug I'd die. My brain didn't know what to do. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't make decisions, I couldn't hold normal conversations. All I knew was that to continue  acting out was going to make me live and die alone and miserable.

     Calling and spending time with my sponsor helped a ton. It was a salvation. Talking to other guys in the program was also a huge help.

     I can't tell you how messed up my thinking was, and how much my addict tried to weave ideas into my head to get me to act out. I literally could not trust my own thoughts.

   

And here's a program that demands addicts to be sponsors after 90 days of sobriety when the brain is in this state? That is insanity. That is complete insanity.

“It helps them stay sober,” I've been told. This is impossible. I was in no shape to be giving anyone advice. Especially for the fact that my addict was trying everything to get me to relapse right at the critical time when my broken yrt partially functioning brain was at its weakest.

     It makes sense why so many of these guys have been told by their 90 Day Program sponsors, “Don't talk to your wife about it.” “If you've looked at porn and haven't masturbated it's okay. The struggle is real.” “Your wife isn't safe to be around" “it's okay" “all is well in Zion”. “If you don't ejaculate you are okay.” Because these “sponsors” are talking crazy talk!

     I know this post is going to ruffle feathers. I've not spoken about this sober because the whole LDS community is obsessed with the 90 Day Program and I feared purple would come after me and kill me! Haha.

     But guess what? The 90 Day Program is not supported by the church. Contrary to popular belief ARPSUPPORT.org is NOT a church website. It's not affiliated.

     The ARP groups are being overrun by these 90 Day Advantists who claim the program works. That's mostly all I hear when I go to ARP meetings. That's probably why the church keeps doing the ARP program the way it is, because ask they no is period say it works great.

     I go to an SAL group largely comprised of LDS guys who have needed more than what ARP has been able to give. I've seen huge character and behavioral change in them and myself. If you want more info please feel free to reach out to me.

    I know lots of people don't agree with me. I know this isn't for everyone, but I can only survive, I can only grow, and I've only seen bits (I'm still new and don't have years of sobriety) of reality and happiness and true connection in working a program of SUPPORT, not rejection; of HONESTY, not deception; of SURRENDER, not control; of LOVE, not fear.

     That other stuff I've been doing for the last 20+ years and I can tell your it doesn't work.

     Sorry again, I'm long winded. I hope you have hope and light in your lives. God is Good. I hope you have connection with Him today.

IS DRINKING CAFFEINE HELPING MY ADDICTION?

Is Drinking Caffeine Helping My Addiction?

Yes. Yes it is.

I remember going on to the Rowboatandmarbles.org website and reading the article about the guy who decided to so drinking caffeinated soda because it was too triggering for him. I'd chuckled at it. Really? Soda was helping him relapse? What kind of weird fantasy did he have going on.

    Was I addicted to caffeine? Yeah. I'd been drinking it all my life. I was a Pepsi guy. I'd drink it all the time. We'd buy a 12 pack and it would be gone in just 2 days. I loved the stuff.

    I'd tried stopping before. Once I stopped drinking for at least 3 months and lost a lot of weight. So every now and again I'd try stopping it to try and lose weight. This would last for maybe a week. (Which in addict speak I'd like half a week.) But I'd always go back.

    I knew when I was addicted because when I would go a day without it I'd get headaches that were hard to manage with ibuprofen. It could make me a little irritable. I'd crave it during my working hours and stop at gas stations to get a 44oz. (They are only 79¢!) I'd lie about it. That is to say, I would not tell my wife when I'd buy them, even after she told me she wanted to know when I did.

    But I wasn't using! (i.e. Looking at anything pornographic or anything, no matter how innocent seeming, with sexual intent.) So why did I have to tell her this? She was just trying to manage my life! Haha.

    I've gotten kidney stones a number of times and the doctors agreed that it was probably from all the soda consumption. I've been basically dehydrated for most of my life. I had kidney stones because of soda!

    Did you know that doctors say that passing kidney stones are about as close to the pain of childbirth that a man can get? I've been told by some female doctors that kidney stones are actually worse. I couldn't tell you obviously, but I do know that they are the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with.

    Did the pain of kidney stones help me stop soda? I think the first time I stopped for maybe a week and a half. (Addict speak: almost a week). The next couple of times, none. I didn't stop. The thought of a world where I couldn't drink soda was insane.

    And besides, the caffeine didn't affect me anymore. I could knock back a few cans of soda and go right to sleep. Granted I have sleep apnea so it has never been the most restful sleep.

    The thought of caffeine helping my lust addiction was almost laughable. It wasn't like I was drunk or anything. Caffeine didn't hinder my judgment.

    I was a Damn fool. (I guess technically I still am.)

    Then one day I asked my wife a question that has destroyed my ignorance.

“What's the half-life of caffeine?”

    For those who don't know, the half-life of a drug or chemical is basically how long traces of it remain in your system.

    “12 hours.”

    If I'd been drinking something I would have spit it out. 12 hours? 12 hours! Holy Crap! That's half a day? So basically I had almost never been off of caffeine for the last 15 years.

    I then got to see what kind of webs spiders make on different drugs and then what kind of web they make on caffeine. The thing was messed up.

Seriously. Even the spider on LSD had a better web! So this was my brain. Well actually, it was worse!

       If a sex addict brain looks similar to someone who's been in a car accident and received frontal lobe trauma then what would my brain scan look like? How grossly messed up had my brain become?

So, we looked into caffeine. Holy poop. Did you know caffeine impaired your cognitive brain? Thus making it easier for the basic human instincts and Flight or Fight Response to take over?

      I mean, we've all known and debated how caffeine is “bad". I used to be great at defending my billion Pepsi's a day. And to tell you the truth, I can say that maybe healthy normal people can drink it, be impaired for a little while (at least a day) but not to the point of anything really self destructive. I don't know.

But I'm an addict. I'm a Lust addict, and my brain is ALREADY damaged and broken.

     It dawned on me that I was trying to keep my brain broken. Not on purpose, but I was basically letting a doctor (God) try and do brain surgery on me (to keep me sober) and then beat myself on the head with a hammer (soda). No wonder I was always stumbling about in a stupor. (Part of that being ADHD).

       No wonder things weren't changing faster, and that I was slow to pick up what was being taught.

       I realized that while yes, I'm an addict, relapse is always a possibility (should say a reality, addicts use. Without God a relapse wouldn't be a possibility it's just fact), but I was HELPING me make that more and more realized. I was HELPING me stay in addict mode. I was HELPING me have less empathy. I was HELPING me have less connection with God.

     So I stopped. I haven't had caffeinated beverages since February. And I try not to have sugary soda either. (I'm scared to find out what sugar in and of itself does to my already broken brain).

       I tell you what, it sucked at first, and sometimes still does. I had a headache for about 2 weeks. I actually got really sick right after, and I'm not sure if that was because of the detox or because I caught something. I went through a period of crawling out of my skin and being irritated.

       I know my brain is still healing from that abuse, but I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. I find it JUST as important as working the program and going to therapy. Maybe it helped so much because I've been working the program and seeing a therapist.

      But I have seen tremendous behavior change since I've stopped. I've had a huge HUGE increase in empathy. There have been hundreds of times now where I've walked into one of my kids rooms, or into their arguments, or whatever it may be, and actually RECOGNIZED the looks on their faces!

       I've been able to register, “He/she looks scared. What am I doing that makes them look scared?” And change how I look as i approach a situation so that they know I'm not mad.

       I've been able to say something to a child and see the look on their face afterward adds think, “they are sad. I said something that hurt them.” And then be able to assure them that I'm not mad and that I love them and give them reasons WHY I need them to stop screaming or pick up their mess and let them know they are good.

      It's been awesome. Other side effects, eating out just isn't as fun to do anymore. I don't care for it as much. The excitement is gone if I can't have my Pepsi.

      But it helps keep me sober. It helps me be in the present and enjoy life so much more. I interact with others better, I understand more. There is a level if clearness in my thoughts and brain that I haven't experienced before. I'm grateful for the clarity.

        As always, feel free to comment and ASK QUESTIONS. There's a soft and comfy blanket of obscurity over lust addiction. Let's take off the blankets, drag it out from the shadows, and let  light extinguish the dark. Shine out the dark.

Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.

Addicts in Recovery Don't Test Their Recovery

So I made up this joke the other day. Want to hear it? It goes like this:

"A Catholic guy, a blonde guy, and a recovering alcoholic go into a bar..."

That's it. That's the joke. Get it?

A recovering alcoholic wouldn't go into a bar.

You can be critical like me, and dig into it and say, "yeah, funny but like the Big Book says, one day an alcoholic with lots of sobriety really CAN walk into a bar and not feel triggered. Especially if he's going to the rescue of an AA buddy!" Or, "well I'm sure if he was stranded in the middle of the desert and was dying of thirst he could walk into a bar and get water!" To which i say to myself, "shut up and stop ruining my joke." And "really? And there's only a bar in the middle of the desert? Is this the Twilight Zone?"

So stop ruining my joke! I'm trying to make a point here!

The point is this: ADDICTS IN RECOVERY DON'T TEST THEIR RECOVERY.

Seems simple enough right? But when thinking back on my addiction, that is what I've always done.

- "Well it's been a few months. I should be able to resist this time."

- "This doesn't affect me like it used to."

-"I can take a peek."

- "It's okay I can see it and drink it in, I'm with other people in a public place and can't get away to act out."

- "The movie only shows a woman's bare chest once and only for a second."

An addict in recovery doesn't care how much sobriety he has because he knows that it's NEVER enough to save him. Sobriety isn't dependable.

God IS dependable. Humility is dependable. Honesty is dependable.

I have to keep this in mind. Because I always want to test my sobriety. How far can I go with it?

It's like that one story about the guy wanting to hire a truck driver and all these applicants drove their trucks as close to the edge as they could to prove how masterful they were at driving, and he hired the guy that drove as far away from the edge as he could.

Why? Because he was smart. He knew it isn't how close you can get to breaking the rules without actually breaking them, but how well you can keep yourself from breaking those rules.

An addict can't get close to breaking the rules because he's always going to break them if he gets close enough.

My therapist told me something the other day that really made me think. (This is a common occurrence) he told me about the guys that come to him and tell him they took the filtering programs off their computer and ended up relapsing. His question to them is: "what problems was the filtering/monitoring programs causing?" They look at him a bit confused and say, "none. What do you mean?" To which he responds, "the only reason why someone stood doing something that has been working for them is because it isn't working for them anymore."

Essentially, why would you take off the filtering/monitoring software off your computer if it was working for you? If it was helping, why stop it?

The guys in recovery that I've read about, and the very very few that I've actually seen, know not to test their sobriety. They understand that when the thought comes, "it's been a long time. I should be able to resist."

"I'm just going in the bar because their fries are delicious, I'm not going to drink, I've been sober for 5 years" that these thoughts are lies their addiction tries to get them to believe.

The truth is, no matter how sober I am, I'm not strong enough to watch a movie with nudity. I'm not strong enough to browse an unfiltered unmonitored internet. I will never be strong enough.

We see guys in the program all the time who lose their wives and kids and do better and fail again and again. I'm one of them.

A part of this is because I'm willing to accept that I've lost the battle and gotten the tar best out of me, but that I can some how at the last moment, like in some hollywood blockbuster, get up on trembling legs, bruised and broken, and perform that one vital move that I learned my addiction had while it was beating me, and somehow kill it.

That or I think of God as coming in, supporting me with one arm and we both survive guns blazing.

The truth is I've lost. The truth is there's no surviving this. The truth is i don't know crap about how to handle or beat addiction. Why? Because it doesn't exist. There is no way to beat it. BEATING ADDICTION DOES NOT EXIST.

Going to meetings, working the program, praying, reading scriptures, does NOTHING to help beat addiction or become strong enough to beat addiction. The only thing these activities and steps help us do is be humble enough to realize that we will fail EVERY time. EVERY TIME.

"But Anoni Mouse, God says He will make weak things become strong! Eventually we'll be strong enough!"

No. God said, "I will make weak things become strong." Not "I'll help you and together we'll make weak things strong," not, "if you do these things first then I'll make weak things strong." He does it. ALL of it.

God will always fight that battle for us as long as we are honest enough to let Him. Honest being, "I need divine intervention because I'm not going to survive. I WANT TO ACT OUT TOO MUCH TO RESIST."

He makes weak things become strong because He is WITH us. And while He is with us the only thing satan or even our addiction can do is to get us to leave the side of God.

How? By this phrase, "it's been along time, i should be able to resist now."

God is mighty to save. Not me, not the addict with 20+ years of recovery, not a combined group, not sobriety, God. Just God and only God.

When God remembers our sins no more it's because we remember them enough to not do them again. To not test the waters.

If there was a man eating crocodile in the internet pool yesterday, the day before, and all the days before that, then it's going to be in the pool today too. And you might think you've won something by taking a sip of the pool a few times without it getting you, but being successful in the tiny sip of water is only going to make you more prideful and cocky so that the next sip will be too slow, because the addiction crocodile is always faster. You're chained to it after all and it's always hungry.