The LDS ARP 90 Day Program...No Bueno

There's this thing in PASG/ARP called the “90 Day Program”. It is different than the 90 Day Program of AA and SA where you go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

     The 90 Day Program of ARP is a program of going through and completing the steps and becoming a sponsor in 90 days. If it sounds insane, it's because it is.

     In my time going to PASG meetings I've met plenty of guys who work the 90 Day Program. There is almost no one among them who has any amount of sobriety and more importantly, positive behavior change. I've seen a lot claim such things, some claim to have large amounts of sobriety, all of them I trust about as far as I can throw a piano.

     I know, I know. First off, we're all addicts at these meetings and all of us are liars. Definitely true. But I do know when someone is being humble and there is huge character change and growth. You can't help but see it. I'm not talking about the, “He doesn't yell at the kids anymore!” Type deal. I'm talking about the guy that changes behavior so much that he begins to learn empathy. Who doesn't just stop yelling at them, but learns to understand them, feel their pain with them, and comforts them.

     At first my feelings for the ARP 90 Day Program were just confusion. Why shove through it at break neck speed? If we are going to be doing this for the rest of our lives, why try and get through it as fast as possible. Why work a program that makes you use the internet morning and night? You want me to email you every morning and every night? When I first started in the program, just seeing a computer with internet access was triggering for me.

     Then I began to see a pattern. Guys would either a) work the 90 Day Program and change, but not for the better. They got cocky, prideful, and more dishonest. They turned into the robots at PASG meetings that talked about the “right"way to work the program and nothing was wrong with them ever after. They turned into the vast majority of guys in my elders quorum. Or b) they'd relapse right around their 90 Day mark.

     Friends of mine who had worked it and then failed or stopped would say, “ya but it really did good at forcing my to do my dailies.”

     Forcing?

     “Yeah, forcing me to get up and do the dailies, or else I'd have to tell my sponsor that I didn't and then get chewed out.”

     Chewed out? Forced? Didn't sound great to me. When I asked, “Shouldn't a good sponsor try and help you do the dailies anyway?” They'd get this confused look on their face. “Yeah I guess so?”

     Since those early days I've learned a lot more. Some if it small stuff, some of it quite huge to me.

     In the ARP 90 Day Program, there is one guy in charge of everything. The creator of the “program" is the decided on who can sponsor and who can't. In fact, everyone in the 90 Day Program has to send him their step 4 inventory. He judges you on your worthiness. This didn't sit right with me. I'm a big believer in the saying, “absolute power corrupts absolutely".

     I'll tell you a secret. I'm a Lust/porn/sex addict. This also means that I LOVE no LUST for positions of power. I'm prideful. I think I'm right and everyone else is wrong. I need to be in control.

     AA went through a lot of errors shortly after it began. There's a book called “12 Steps and 12 Traditions”. It explains why they created 12 traditions for AA to live by.

One of those traditions is in place so that the program is run by a voted on committee, not a singular person. Bill, one of the founders of AA sry this position in place to protect the program from people like him. He was also self-centered, prideful, and wanted power. He knew the dangers of having one man in control of a whole program, knowing the danger it possessed.

     In the ARP 90 Day Program, they tell you that toy have to have a resentment list of over so many hundred. If your don't, then your are lying and need to rework the list or drop out.

     Thus doesn't sit right. We're obviously going to have resentments, that's a given, but I'm the one that feels the resentments. If I can't think of anyone else I'm resentful toward after I've put forth an honest effort and it doesn't come I up to the amount someone thinks it should, that's ok. Because guess what? I'm going to be revisiting this step over and over throughout the rest of my life.

     I'm also not okay with the 90 Day Program relapse policy. If you “slip" or relapse, your “sponsor" technically had to dump you. That's a bunch of B.S. In my opinion.

     We learn as addicts, at least I did and continue to learn that God loves me and wants me to succeed. And no matter how many times I fall, if I'm willing, His mercy is sufficient for me. Rejecting someone as a sponsie after they've relapsed is a very damaging thing. A sponsor is supposed to be there for support, encouragement, and love. If I was perfect enough to not ever relapse I wouldn't be an addict in the first place.

     After completing your 90 days, you are set free to sponsor others.

Sponsor others after 90 days of sobriety….

Through the muscle of modern advansenents in the medical field, we now have the ability to do brain scans to see what areas in a person's brain are working and functioning.

     After 90 days of sobriety, your brain begins the process of rewiring.

     BEGINS THE PROCESS.

     This means that the brain STARTS the process of developing new pathways to think and react that don't lead back to porn and masturbation.

     This is also when we get to go through that wonderful thing called WITHDRAWAL.

Can I just say that withdrawal sucks. Like, for real. It sucks. I never expected to go through them. I mean, it wasn't like I was addicted to alcohol or drugs. Hahaha. For me withdrawal was the mental/emotional equivalent to having kidney stones, of which I've had a few. It sucks. It really really sucks.

     I can honestly say I was not in my right mind. It was like my body and brain were aware that I had not used these neural pathways (looking at porn, masturbation, sex, and lesser lust drive) to satisfy anxiety, stress, and my chemical dependence on them, and since I didn't know a knew way to relieve all that fear anxiety stress, all the warning bells, whistles, alarms were sounding and my insides where desperate to find some way to “survive", because I'd taught myself that without my drug I'd die. My brain didn't know what to do. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't make decisions, I couldn't hold normal conversations. All I knew was that to continue  acting out was going to make me live and die alone and miserable.

     Calling and spending time with my sponsor helped a ton. It was a salvation. Talking to other guys in the program was also a huge help.

     I can't tell you how messed up my thinking was, and how much my addict tried to weave ideas into my head to get me to act out. I literally could not trust my own thoughts.

   

And here's a program that demands addicts to be sponsors after 90 days of sobriety when the brain is in this state? That is insanity. That is complete insanity.

“It helps them stay sober,” I've been told. This is impossible. I was in no shape to be giving anyone advice. Especially for the fact that my addict was trying everything to get me to relapse right at the critical time when my broken yrt partially functioning brain was at its weakest.

     It makes sense why so many of these guys have been told by their 90 Day Program sponsors, “Don't talk to your wife about it.” “If you've looked at porn and haven't masturbated it's okay. The struggle is real.” “Your wife isn't safe to be around" “it's okay" “all is well in Zion”. “If you don't ejaculate you are okay.” Because these “sponsors” are talking crazy talk!

     I know this post is going to ruffle feathers. I've not spoken about this sober because the whole LDS community is obsessed with the 90 Day Program and I feared purple would come after me and kill me! Haha.

     But guess what? The 90 Day Program is not supported by the church. Contrary to popular belief ARPSUPPORT.org is NOT a church website. It's not affiliated.

     The ARP groups are being overrun by these 90 Day Advantists who claim the program works. That's mostly all I hear when I go to ARP meetings. That's probably why the church keeps doing the ARP program the way it is, because ask they no is period say it works great.

     I go to an SAL group largely comprised of LDS guys who have needed more than what ARP has been able to give. I've seen huge character and behavioral change in them and myself. If you want more info please feel free to reach out to me.

    I know lots of people don't agree with me. I know this isn't for everyone, but I can only survive, I can only grow, and I've only seen bits (I'm still new and don't have years of sobriety) of reality and happiness and true connection in working a program of SUPPORT, not rejection; of HONESTY, not deception; of SURRENDER, not control; of LOVE, not fear.

     That other stuff I've been doing for the last 20+ years and I can tell your it doesn't work.

     Sorry again, I'm long winded. I hope you have hope and light in your lives. God is Good. I hope you have connection with Him today.

SOMEONE’S COMMENT TO MY POST “DALLEN H. OAKS ARTICLE and ADDICTS”

SOMEONE’S COMMENT TO MY POST “DALLEN H. OAKS ARTICLE and ADDICTS” and my following response. I am sorry but I’m long winded.

AnonymousJuly 7, 2016 at 10:51 PM

I don't agree. I believe the article was written to all people who have a problem viewing pornography, young and old, male and female.

I think the "addict" label gets thrown around way to much among porn viewers, which I think is why Elder Oaks was inspired to write this article. It's almost as if these so called addicts want everyone to throw them a pity party. It has become a crutch for some, because "hey, I can't help it. I'm an addict".

In the psychology community there is debate on whether pornography is even a real addiction, as they define the term. I've known drug addicts and how crazy they can get, even dangerous, when they don't get their fix. I don't know any pornography users that act that way when they've been without.

Even so, I agree with Elder Oaks' measured approach in that pornography is addicting, just not in the same way as substance abuse. I used to think I was an addict until reading his article. And no, I don't rationalize my relapses. Evil is still evil no matter how many times you view it. All the levels are evil besides inadvertent exposure, but I identify with the "occasional use", because when I do slip it is intentional, but honestly it is far and few between, and Yes I do visit the bishop every time it happens, which thankfully is a lot less these days. I probably used to be an addict, but through a lot of work and God's grace, I've moved away from that. A lot of people like to paint pornography addiction like alcoholism, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I totally disagree, at least that hasn't been my experience. I'm disgusted by what I used to view; not perfect yet, but I'm not an addict anymore. The reason I know this is because addicts can't do occasional use. They might white knuckle for awhile, but when they slip it lasts for awhile. Just think about it. Maybe cut yourself a break and stop calling yourself an addict. Don't stop what you're doing to overcome it, but drop the label. I guess some might say it's just semantics, but words are powerful, and there is a lot of meaning expressed by the word "addicted" which is harmful to those who really aren't.

 MY RESPONSE:

I'm sorry you feel that way. I obviously disagree with you, but that's totally okay.

I believe that someone who keeps coming back to it, can't stop it, is powerless over it (shown by going back to it and not being able to stop it) is addicted. If I'm powerless over my drug of choice, I'm addicted. Whether I look at it a lot or a little, if I can't leave it, I'm addicted to it.

I also don't believe that someone can be an addict and then not be an addict. I agree with the term "Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic" because I know this to be true of myself. God has definitely worked a mighty miracle in me, a day of sobriety to me is as big a miracle as Jesus healing the blind, causing the lame to walk, raising the dead. Sobriety each day is a miracle of God's grace to me.

I don't believe the label "addict" get's thrown around enough. Not in a serious manner. Addicts that use such phrases like, "I can't help it, I'm an addict." Are also those who are not working toward sobriety and eventual recovery. They use it as a justification for their habit. That in no way show's any work towards sobriety. Including the 1st step, which is honesty.

I do say that pornography addiction is a low ball phrase for the much greater addiction, Lust. I don't need pornography to lust, I can use my head. I can lust in different ways. I can make the most basic things become pornographic to my broken brain. If you'd like some good insight into the destructive process lust and pornography and sex have on the brain, He Restoreth My Soul is a good book to read. We KNOW, yeah, know as in proven evidence, that an addiction to lust/pornography destroys the brain, especially the frontal lobe.

I KNOW the dangers of porn/lust addicts. I've met and talked to several who have planned out the murder of their wives and children. I don't know any porn addict who has not been abusive to his wife and kids. I know men who have molested their siblings, who have given their wives various sexually transmitted diseases, some of which have caused miscarriage. These are very very very dangerous things that sex/porn/lust addicts do when they need their fix. If Jesus himself said to lusteth after someone in their heart is the same as adultery, and that adultery was the second worst thing you can do, other than deny the Holy Ghost, then I put sex/lust/porn addiction at the top of the "dangerous addictions" list.

I have witnessed my own wife, upon finding out about my addiction, DOUBT GOD. I don't know if there is anything more damaging to one's eternal progression than to DOUBT their connection to God. Depending on what they choose at this juncture, this is worse than death. I personally know spouses of these addicts, who had experienced other addictions, drugs, alcohol, prescription pills, who would MUCH rather have their spouses addicted to those instead of pornography.

As the "White Book" or Sexaholics Anonymous book states, "Lust killed Love..." And that is true. Lust destroys the mind. Lust perverts and twists my view of reality SO much that I cannot see it clearly.

So for you to say that you do not know any pornography users that go crazy when they don't get their fix tells me that they aren't being honest with you, or you aren't being honest with me. Unless you are one of those people that have just a "little problem" and "can stop at any time". If you are one of those, I have no idea about anything you are talking about. I'm not a "normal person". I'm an addict.

I also believe that Dallen H Oaks wrote it for the youth because he said that he did. And I believe that since he's an apostle and called of God to be such, then in some way he must agree with Jeffery R Hollands talk about pornography

http://utahcoalition.org/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-the-plague-of-pornography/

Titled "The Plague of Pornography" where he tells us all, if we knew how dangerous this was, we would really be treating it like the plague. It would be broadcast on every News source, people would be shouting it from the rooftops, warning their neighbors, etc.

So, Since Jeffery R Holland is right, and Dallen H Oaks is right, then pornography addiction is real and it is very very serious and DANGEROUS.

If you are one of the lucky few that can stop and stay stopped. That's awesome man. That's so great and I am so happy that you don't have to go through what I've gone through. Good for you.

I have loads and loads of materials by renown psychologists, scientists, psychiatrists, and smart people that can show factual proof of the dangers of pornography/Sex/Lust addiction if you'd like me to pass on the info.

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you speaking what you believe. God bless.

DALLEN H OAKS ARTICLE AND ADDICTS

Dallen H. Oaks came out with an article not too long ago about the several severities of porn addiction. There seems to be a lot going on about this article.

     1st, it was directed to the youth, those who have had far less time with a bad habit or “little problem" and not adults who have repeated this act over and over until it has become an addiction. Why post it in the Ensign then? Probably for parents with teens.

     2nd, IF YOU ARE USING DALLEN H. OAKS’S ARTICLE TO JUSTIFY YOUR LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATION, YOU ARE AN ADDICT. If you are trying to find ways to justify to yourself, to your wife, and to others that you AREN'T an addict, then you are an addict.

     Clarification? Pornography and masturbation are bad. Remember Christ saying if you lust in your heart you've committed adultery? Remember somewhere else in the scriptures where Christ says adultery is second only to denying the Holy Ghost? If it's that bad, then stop it. If you can't you have lost your control over it and it controls you. That means you are addicted.

     There might very well be levels of porn lookers, I understand that. Dallen H Oaks talks about that. Once those porn lookers have read Oaks’s article and realized it was bad and stopped and stayed stopped, awesome. That means they weren't addicted.

    But if they stopped and where super strong at first and then felt crazy by 3 months, and then relapsed, they are addicted. If they struggled by the 3 month mark, but then overcame the trail and went 7 months, 12 months, 2 years, and relapsed, they are addicted, and if they are addicted the article by Dallen H Oaks is not applicable to them.

    Pornography addiction is cancer. It either grows or it is in remission. If you aren't addicted and you continue to look at porn, you will be addicted. Why? Because not following God's commandments brings guilt. We either do something positive with that guilt, or we run from it. Which means we generate fear over guilt inside of us and create this repelling agent called shame. Shame causes us to hide and keep doing things we shouldn't. The more shame we experience, the more we have, the more we have to do to run from it. it's cumulative, and the only way to get away from it is to accept defeat, accept the shame, accept guilt, confess, repent, NOT DO IT AGAIN.

      What do you call someone that keeps repenting over the committing of the same sins again and again? An addict, or at the very least insane.

     Sorry, I'm just really tired of guys trying to use an apostle’s article to justify them not being “that"bad.

     A recent article by about addict claims that some guys shouldn't think they are, or be told they are addicts when they aren't. I find it slightly laughable. Because what's the worst that can happen by going to SAL addiction meetings? You feel the spirit and love in a fellowship too much? You are taught how to better communicate with God? You begin to see positive character change? We wouldn't want that.

      Addicts lie, addicts hide, addicts deceive, manipulate, cover up, tell misguided truths. Addicts don't want to change, not at first. Remember we are riding shotgun for our addiction most of the time.

    Our addiction, or how many of us in SAL like to call it, our addict, really is like cancer, but it's a sophisticated concert that is self-aware and will do whatever possible to survive. Don't let yourself be conned into thinking “all is well".

Where Are My War Buddies?

I'm not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a run for his money.

I currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.

I want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery. Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and want to hang out with.

I can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.

It seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)

Maybe I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies. Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can band together with.

I need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.

Sorry this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm saying.

And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.

Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.

Living Now

I read something in A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Carnes. He talked about children.

       Children live in the present completely. They don't really have a past to relate to, and they have no concept of the future. They are 100% in the here and now.

     This means that they experience the present with all of their senses. They are totally in the now. We addicts need to be a lot more like them.

     It made me think of how the now is all we have.

      There is no past. We can't turn around and go back to it. We view the past as something behind us but that's only how we distinguish memories and life experiences. The past does not exist.

      The future is the same. It isn't in front of us. We can't view it. It doesn't exist. It's not real. We only put things in "the future" so that we can plan on certain things.

     So all we have is right now. It makes sense then why God says that we can change right now. We can choose to be a different person right now. At least people who aren't addicts can.

     So how does this apply to the addict?

       Because we can't focus on anything else other than now. Like I've said before, our perception of reality is flawed. We think of how things "should" be and what we "deserve". This isn't now.

     NOW is rolling down the window and feeling the air on your face. NOW is looking at all the trees with amazement if how tall they are and how magical it is that they exist. NOW is meeting people and being amazed that they are human and have their own likes and dislikes. NOW is feeling your feet in soft carpet, in a puddle. It's using all of your senses to the max. NOW is understanding your an addict and can fall at any second. NOW is accepting your wife for who she is right now. Not who she was before the fiasco when you were caught or when you told her, and not who she can be or will be. NOW is NOW.

     Addicts are less in the now than anyone. Every experience and sight and sound and sense transfers into what we want TO happen (in the future, which could be seconds or weeks or years away but still not real), how now isn't good enough, we believe that now doesn't give us what we want but it's all we really have.

     We know for a fact that as addicts we make tidal waves over spilt milk. We turn into the hulk and destroy city blocks at the drop of a hat. These little things boil our potatoes....(did that even make sense? Maybe that was a bad metaphor).

      I get frustrated with my children, not for the way they are acting right now, but because I "think" that if their behavior goes on unchecked now, it'll get worse when they are older. Again I'm thinking about the future and not the now.

       I cannot control the future because the future doesn't exist. (And because I'm an addict and control kills me.) To prepare for it is kind of hopeless because nothing ever goes according to my plans.

          It has been very helpful to me, when I see something or want to see something, while I'm at work or shopping or whatever, to stop and think, "one day at a time," and focus on what is going on around me. To keep myself in the present. I focus on the heat of the sun and how I can feel it cooking me. I roll down the window and feel the wind, and focus on the feel of the wind. It really helps me be open with wonder to realize how awesome life is.

    This pulls me out of my desire for lust. Because it grounds me in reality and in what I'm doing and nothing kills lust faster than reality.

      Because when I think about the Times I'm in an addict fueled state of mind and I'm seeking lust, I'm not in reality. When I'm arguing with my wife, or even I'm angry with her or the kids, I'm not in reality. I'm thinking 80 million steps ahead, "if the kids are loud now and I don't say anything they are going to get worse and worse!" (Worse and worse what?) "If she sees me doing (or not doing) this or that she's going to think I'm bad or acting out again!"

      

       Think about it. There are so many times I try and pre-empt what my wife "will say" and begin to have a discussion then argument in my head (at which I am always the victor). This isn't only bad because I'm thinking negatively, but I then react to reality as if we were fighting. I come home from work and I'm short with everyone and quick to anger and end up causing malcontent.

     The same is true when reading my wife's texts. (Or anyone's for that matter). I misread and add implications. I assume she's mad when she isn't. The reality is I have no idea what she's feeling unless she tells me. And I should never base anything of of what I think she's feeling unless I'm told or the expression is plain as day. (If she's smiling and laughing then she's happy.)

      One way to keep in contact with reality is to check how I'm feeling. Really feeling, throughout the day. Talk with (or text) my SA guys. Acknowledge my unmanageability constantly.these all help me stay present. They keep me from taking that first step into an alternate reality where I'm always right.

     It's hard work. I'm no where near that good at it yet. But then again, that's me not living in the now and trying to think of how long it will be before I'm really good at it.

    

Know Thyself

Alright, I've gotten to a point where I can't listen to certain things anymore without putting a foot down and making sure that addicts are aware of the doom they are putting themselves under.

    Here are some examples I've heard recently from people on online groups and PASG meetings:

"I did it again, I looked up some things I shouldn't have. But I went to my bishop because I want to make sure I'm clean enough to rebaptize my dad next week..."

"My bishop said if I can refrain from masturbating for six weeks, we'll talk about me being rebaptized..."

"I've been having problems with masturbating when I get up lately, and I'm glad my bishop is letting me bless our baby this coming Sunday..."

"I have six months of sobriety (though I've had done close calls) and I'm not allowed to be married in the temple..."

"I acted out last week, so I went to the temple yesterday and felt sooo much peace..."

A part of me knows where you're coming from. I've been there done that. I wish I could go back in time and strike myself down on several occasions.

   After hearing these kinds of statements I think, "Why would a bishop ever say that or allow him/her to do that? Why does that feel a little bit off to me?"

      There are a number of reasons why bishops give this false information out to us. I call it false because if they knew everything about addiction and addicts and how our insanity works, they'd never say these things.

First things first. If you've ever said one of these statements, chances are you lied to your bishop or stake president. You either outright lied, -"I don't look at porn or masturbate anymore"- OR you minimized. -"I haven't acted out in six months!" When actually it's been 3 weeks- either way these are both NOT truth. So you are partly to blame for your bishops decisions.

Second, I might get A Lot of flak on this..... (BECAUSE THESE ARE BOMBS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!)

Don't trust your bishop to know what to do.

BOOM....

Your bishop CANNOT help you with addiction unless he is a trained and licensed professional therapist.

BOOM...

Your bishop doesn't know when you are in recovery.

BOOM....

Are you still alive? Are you ready to kill me? Burn me at the stake. (Or stake center) haha.

     Can I at least tell you why first?

      I'm not saying your bishop is the bad guy. I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to his counsel. I'm sure he has great advice and spiritual insight. I agree that he is a Judge in Israel and is God's guide to helping you work through repentance from sin.

     And while acting out in addiction is a sin, having an addiction is something else entirely.

     In fact, 95% of the time, if not 98%, your bishop has NO CLUE about addiction. It's not their fault. They are not qualified and God has not qualified them to do that. He's qualified to take care of the members of his ward, help them with their repentance process and give them support and counsel.

    Most bishops have normal jobs. Some of them are contractors, bankers, teachers, and businessmen. They are human, they are men, fathers, husbands -- they are not therapists. Most know little about addiction and insanity. A really good bishop will recognize this and give you advice based on his knowledge from life and books he's read, and then get you to see a therapist or others who know more about it than he does.

       I've heard of bishops who say, "just stop."

      "Your husband is hurting and needs you"

      "You need to be more physically intimate with your husband"

     "You are not an addict"

     "Just wanting to change means you're in recovery"

These are examples of suggestions some bishops say that make no sense or do not apply to addicts.

Okay, I'll back off of bishops for the moment. In fact, most of my life I've had awesome inspired bishops that I've loved.

    

         So it comes down to this, are you really worthy to bless your baby if you've been acting out all week? Are you really worthy to enter the temple if you've looked at pornography and masturbated or fantasized about sex any time recently? Are you really worthy to give blessings, baptize, and stand in holy places if you are not holy?

       

          Doing these things just because a bishop (no matter how awesome he is) says you're ready when you really aren't, doesn't make you ready. And it doesn't make you blameless. In fact, because you know better, your blame is intensified. There is no get out of jail free card.

      You are accountable for opening your mouth as well as for closing it. If your bishop gives you false information, it is not only your responsibility to not go through with it, but it is also your responsibility to tell him why. Bishops NEED our help in understanding what addiction is and what it does.

       For doing these things; going to the temple, blessing or baptizing others, partaking off the sacrament -unworthy- brings us under heavier condemnation. Why? Because we aren't sober. We aren't being honest. And it buries us further in our shame and misery. It destroys not only us, but the trust and hope of our loved ones.

      If we were really sober, we wouldn't be hiding. We wouldn't be doing these things to "look" the part to everyone else around us. We'd be hearing that guilt inside is direct us to a better future.

Untruthful Core Beliefs part 1

Ok, here is where i give you the big reveal. This is why all addicts have issues. This is why all addicts, even though they've been shown or told a better way, usually go back to doing the same thing over and over again.
   I'll give an example. An addict friend texts me and says he's in a bad place, as in stressed, isolating, feeling anxious and angry. The perfect cocktail for looking at pornography and acting out, which he did.
   I ask, "why?"
   His response, "my wife had been annoyed with me lately because of the pain my addiction has brought upon her. She's been very different lately.
And i didn't get good sleep, and my kids were being very disruptive and bugging me."
   This is not the answer.
   It's funny because even when we claim to know our addiction is our choice, we still fall back on these outside sources as to the reasons why. As if those are the reason.
   BUT WHY ARE THOSE THE REASON?
   If we only go off of those being the reasons, the best that we can accomplish is learning how to deal with the emotions that those situations bring up in us. It doesn't help us to not get those feelings in the first place. And what we need is to only get those feelings at the appropriate time.
   Ha. Maybe i should take a step back. First off, we need to learn what feelings are. I, as an addict, an emotionally retarded. Once i used my addiction as a way to cope, i did not learn how to deal with emotions and progress emotionally. So i have the emotional capability of a 10 year old. (If that, considering the life style i lived in) when my therapist asked how i felt about things and my first response would always be, "i don't know" and he'd laugh and say that was a typical addict response. Not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because i really don't know. I don't recognize what my feelings are or what they mean. My therapist actually printed out a paper with faces on it that showed different emotions and then had the list of those emotions under it. And it was my job to check my feelings every so often and distinguish what they were and why.
   So, going back to the things that set us off. Why?
   I'll give you my own for instance:
I'm at home, all our kids are home, my wife is home, and i feel like everything is out of control. My senses go all out of wack and i feel like my head is filling with static and voices. This is the "tell". This is when I'm going to turn into the hulk and destroy about four city blocks better i calm down.
   Why do i get this way? Is it because my kids were being...well...kids? Was it because the house is a mess? Or because my wife isn't being as "friendly" as i want her to be?
   Am i really believing that outside circumstances are dominating my life? Well, that's actually impossible. So what makes me freak out? Is it really the kids, the house, or my wife? No. I freak out because of ME.
   Alot of times we end up excepting this, and then trying to deal with it when it happens. While this is good, it doesn't solve the problem. It's like trying not to use a broken leg. It might not hurt if we don't bump it or use it, but it's much more efficient to go get it set and fixed by a doctor. Because our broken leg WILL get bumped and we WILL have to use it.
    Trying to get rid of anger or anxiety or stress that triggers outbursts or acting out isn't right either. First off, that's impossible. Second, these feelings are imperative to our progression and eternal being. They are for our benefit. Anger is a good response for certain circumstances. Anger is brought up when we believe our lives are threatened or our liberties are being taken away. Fear is triggered when we believe we are going to end or feel pain.
   The problem is that we've programmed these feelings too be triggered at perceived threats, when those threats aren't actually there.
   Think about it. I get angry at my children literally because i perceive them as a threat to my life. Looking at the situation rationally i know my kids don't REALLY want to kill me. (At least not yet. Not till they're older anyway.) Or fear- will i really die if i tell my wife the truth and she divorces me? (i.e. didn't love me anymore). Well i really be miserable forever without her?
   So why do we do this? How did we program our brain to respond so irrationally?
   Trauma
Our Flight Or Fight Response (or FOFR for short) is an amazing thing. Whenever we perceive threats (real or imagined because our subconscious does not distinguish between real and make believe) our FOFR kicks in to try and save our life. Do we run or fight? Running doesn't have to be literally running away. It can mean we shut down, we isolate, we don't speak. We avoid. We lie. Or we fight. Get defensive. Physically/verbally/mentally attack. Throw blame. Yell.
   So then...when did we program our brain? How is our FOFR perceiving unrealistic threats?
   I do not remember the specific dates, but we program our brain from ages 1-7 or 2-7. This is when you take in the world and process information. Stove is hot, ice is cold, food makes hunger go away, consequences to actions, etc.
   This is also when the child is taught about trusting, love, fear, and danger.
  Our FOFR is programmed from these first experiences. This is when we first had traumatic experiences and our brains essentially says, "this hurt me. I do not EVER want this to happen again!" And sets up a FOFR to help us get it of a painful event.
    So, an experience from my early childhood: one night (i was around 4 or 5 at the time) i told my mom no. My dad slapped me across the face and said through gritted teeth, "don't you ever tell your mom no!"
   My brain exploded with sensory input and chemicals and said, "i don't want this to ever happen again. This really hurts, i feel Seperated from my main sources of love, i need to buy key this ever happen again."
   So, not only did i never say no to my mom because of fear, i didn't say no to ALOT of people and circumstances because i was afraid of getting hurt. My way around saying no? Lying and deceiving.
   What else did i learn? When my dad grits his teeth the likelyhood of me getting hurt goes up dramatically. i.e. i am unsafe in these situations and must withdraw from reality. I must isolate to feel safe. And i learned that every time MY kids sat no to my wife, i want to react just how i was taught.
   The sad thing about programming our FOFR so young is that we don't have the life experience or wisdom to interpret the situation correctly. So our memory develops into (drum roll) UNTRUTHFUL CORE BELIEFS!
   For example. Most of my life I've grown up believing that my mom didn't hate me, she just didn't care at all. She didn't talk, she didn't express feelings, she avoided confrontation. I took this to mean: I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love, i must be doing something wrong.(These are probably the most HUGE negative untruthful beliefs i have.)
   What is the reality? My mom grew up in a very mentally, verbally, and physically abusive home. Thus she never learned how to express or show emotions except to her animals. She didn't know how to trust either. And i didn't learn until about a year ago that she loves me VERY much! She just doesn't know how to show it. She's never learned and feels uncomfortable trying so when she does try, it comes off feeling fake and awkward.         But as a 5 year old i didn't know this. So i programmed myself to believe that i was a failure and unworthy of love.
   How does that effect me? I sought self gratification through fantasies, porn, and masturbation to make me feel loved and if worth.

The FOFR is triggered in any stressful or anxious circumstance. Because the subconscious does not see a difference in reality or fantasy, and because it has all our memories stored, when we get stressed, anxious, afraid, it recalls the memories that mimic the present situation the most.
   Another thing the subconscious doesn't differentiate is time. Memories aren't things of the "past" but at the moment they are recalled as if they were being lived through for the first time when the traumatic experience first happened. Thus in some situations we find ourselves reacting to certain situations as if we were a child. The reason, because the FOFR shuts down the cognitive brain to "save" you. So in those moment when you react like a child, it's because you WERE a child.
   Here's an example: (this is true, but some of the details and names have been changed or left out so that this doesn't turn into a book)
Sally is a business woman who works on walstreet...(wallstreet?) She is one of the best in her field, but for so many years she's failed to get the promotion she's always wanted. She is usually worthy of the promotion, but once the time told around to get promoted, she does something on accident or on purpose to miss out on that promotion.

Why? Why would she self-sabotage herself? (Wait, did i just say that twice in 2 different ways?) Why does she sabotage herself to not get the promotion even though she's the best one and most qualified for it?
    Well, she decided to see a certified therapist. She found out that she had the untruthful core belief that she wasn't good enough. She even told her therapist that she didn't know why, because by killing at factual evidence she really did deserve that promotion.
   Come to find out Sally had a memory of when she was five. Her mom and sister were walking with her in the park and her mom bought her sister a popsicle and not her. Thus, her young inexperienced mind tried to find out why, and what it came up with was, "i must not be a good person. I must not be worthy of the popsicle. (Or my heart's desire)." So every time she reached for something she really really wanted in her life, she always sabotaged that effort because the traumatic experience of her youth taught her that arriving for something and not getting it was too painful to bare a second time. Thus she would make herself fail on purpose.
   Was it her mom's fault? No. Did her mom know she hurt her so badly? Probably not. Is it my parents fault that i am an addict? No. Their fault was in not providing what needed provided, but not on my actions of taking what wasn't provided and trying to provide it for myself. My addiction is my own fault. I was definitely predisposed, but i turned it from a high possibility to a definite fact.
    So when i want to turn into the hulk when my kids are loco and my wife isn't giving me the attention or help i want and i get mad at them, i need to splash cold water on my face, take deep breaths, acknowledge that the problem is with me. My FOFR kicks in because why? Because i don't feel safe. Is that their fault or mine? Mine. Why don't i feel safe? Because my wife is taking their side, saying i need to relax instead of them. Why did that give me stress and hurt? Because i feel like I'm being disapproved of, because I'm feeling rejected. But why am i feeling that way? Because i am living in memories and present all as if they were happening at once, reliving the other billion times i felt rejected by wife, people, girlfriends, and finally, those first experiences with mom and dad. Where that untruthful core belief resides and keeps telling me, "I'm not worth it. I'm always wrong. I'm a disappointment. I am unworthy of love."
   These core beliefs govern our lives. They are the glass through which we see reality, and that glass is tinted and it is dirty. If we have any hope in recovery, it is through changing these core beliefs. Only then are we truly liberated from self destruction.