Where Are My War Buddies?

I'm not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a run for his money.

I currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.

I want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery. Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and want to hang out with.

I can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.

It seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)

Maybe I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies. Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can band together with.

I need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.

Sorry this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm saying.

And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.

Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.

Blame and the Search for Control

I think that the whole "men are just wired that way" is a myth. . 

In fact, my wife and I were just talking about it, and I don't think we are "wired" for visual or emotional input more than the other. I think many many generations of time of fathers teaching sons has led us to feel wired that way, or more pre-dispoded to it. Same with mothers to daughters. When I think about it, I don't see Adam that way. I don't see Jesus that way.

Even if that were the case, that gives no credence to letting myself LOOK at the visual sensory input if it's bad for me.

One of the most concrete and important laws of eternity are: I have agency. I have a choice. God cannot subvert or take away my agency. In fact, even if I beg and plead with God to take my agency and MAKE me do his will, he cannot. There is NO WAY God can take my agency and him still be God. In fact, this law is SO SO important, that there was a WAR in heaven. It was sooo important that God, who loves me and you sooo much, that he would let 1/3rd of ALL his children choose not to come here and follow the plan.

To say, "I'm just a guy and that's what I do," is complete and utter BULL SHNIKIES. We were not designed to be controlled. God made us that we might be "agents unto [our]selves". Meaning that we are in control of our own lives, bodies, Destiny.

Women (most at least) don't read romance novels and soap operas and act out to them and get addicted to them and say, "I'm just a woman. I'm programmed that way." Maybe they do and I just never hear it. Maybe there are as many addicts to that stuff as we (men) are to porn and the like. I know I'm addicted to sex in the written word.

We keep wanting to have control, but then when we make mistakes blame it on something else. The bad thing about blame is we can't learn from those experiences. It's like that quote: "those who don't study history are bound to repeat it"? I can't remember if those are the specific words, but this is certainly true for addiction. Blame is blocking our view of what really happened. And if we don't see what really happened, we are going to do it again.

When I say, "I'm just wired that way." I'm blaming something else, even though that blame is still falling on me.

"I did it because my wife won't sleep with me enough."
"I did it because I don't see anything wrong with it."
"I did it because I was really tired and not thinking clearly."
"Satan tempted me."
"It can be very healthy."

All these things are excuses. We don't want to admit that we gave up control. And if we are not in control of ourselves then we are not fit for the kingdom of God.

"But Anoni Mouse, we have to give up our control to God! Saying that us lacking control is bad is a contradicting thing to say!"

Is it?

Think of it this way, I don't have control over my addiction. It has control over me. It controls my body. I gave it control. And we know that addiction will not ever give the control back. The price must be paid. I am acted upon by my addiction.

I can't get the control back from the addiction, therefore I have to give my control to a third party. God. But the addiction will only give God control if God gives the addiction what the addiction wants. Suffering. Depression. Death.

Jesus pays for the control. How? How can he pay for the control when what the addiction is asking for is all of my life? Because Christ can suffer a life time and still be alive. How? Because he's never sinned.

So now that God has paid for the control, guess what? Does he keep it? No, he can't. If he did he would cease to be God. Since God can't keep it and doesn't want it, he gives it back to us and essentially says, "I'll help you manage your control. You focus on controlling ONLY the things you can control, and I'll do the rest until you come to a point in your RECOVERY (not sobriety) where we will review the things you can control and you can take on more control."

God helps us control what we cannot. If I'm submissive to God and am only controlling what I can, when something happens that's outside of my control, whether it be finding a porn magazine or having someone we've had an affair with suddenly call us or email us, or whatever it may be, God gives us the ability to be a godly man for a few minutes or a lifetime, to get out of the situation we would never get out of ourselves.

Remember God wants us to have complete control of ourselves. COMPLETE.

If we decide to take full control before we can manage control, guess what? Jesus stops paying the addiction and since we've already made a binding contract with the addiction, we have to start paying the price again. Bummer for us.

What can an addict control? This may be variable. And it also means we have to look at our own histories, which we can't do if we're blaming.

-He can control what he reads.

When you look at your history, what do you notice? Have you started reading a book and when you happened upon a sex scene and were triggered did you keep reading or stop? Did you act out on it (physically and/or mentally)? If you did any of these things, then  don't read those kinds of books.anything that might have bad stuff in it, just don't read it.

-He can control what he looks at.

Can you watch TV and not be triggered and not act out? (physically and/or mentally) Are there specific channels that are definitely safe? If by looking at your history; watching a specific channel or commercials is triggering and you act out, then stop watching them. Don't watch anything close to your addiction. Does it suck? Sure. But do you want to give up avg eternity of joy and happiness for a "really cool" movie with good graphics, a "great" storyline, and just a little bit of nudity?

Can you go online alone for any reason (even work) and not feel triggered or excitement to lust or fantasize? If you view your history and can't, (and lust addicts can't btw) then don't go online alone! Only go online when your wife is in the room. If you can't even then, don't go on at all.

-He can control his actions with others

Can you talk to members of the opposite sex and not feel triggered or lustful or put in an altered state (i.e. NOT reality). If you view your history and can't, BE RUDE. Don't meet their eyes, don't hold the door open for them, give them the shortest answers possible. GET AWAY FROM THEM.

-He can control his thoughts

Can you think about sex and not feel triggered or lustful? If you view your history and can't, (oh and no lust addict can btw) then DON'T. Don't even go there! Don't think about the "what ifs" "i wonders" "would haves" and "could haves". Oh and the "I wishes" too. Don't do fantasy. Don't wait for reality to be as good as fantasy because it won't ever be as good as fantasy. In fantasy we make the rules. Guess what, even God has to obey the rules that are already in place.

Hmmm....this sounds alot like Mosiah chapter 4. Something about watching our thoughts words and deeds.

"But Anoni, my JOB is with computers! I HAVE TO be online!"

Can you do your job and not look at porn or view anything with sexual or self stimulus intent?

"Yes. I can decide right now to change."

What does history tell you about yourself.

"Well I haven't been able to in the past."

Then you don't have control. Find a new job.

"I can't just drop my job and look for something else! This is what I went to school for! I can't start over! We'll be out on the streets!"

What did Jesus say to the rich kid? "Give up all that thou hast, come and follow me." Or something like that? 

It's more possible for the Titanic to rise up out of the ocean, mend itself together, brake out all the artifacts from museums all over the world, destroy every copy of James Camren's Titanic movie, and fit through the eye of a microscopic needle than it is for a porn addict to gain recovery (exaltation, forgiveness) while having unrestricted unsupervised internet access. Or Unrestricted thoughts. Or unrestricted actions. Or unrestricted sight. Or unrestricted actions.

I'm sure God cares more about your recovery than your job. No matter how disastrous employment looks.

"I can't get away from it, it's part of my work." Is blaming.

Good will provide.

I'm preaching to myself every time I post. These are all things I need to work on myself. God doesn't care so much about my degree or how much money I have or exactly how I care for and provide for my family. If I do what I can, he'll take care of me and my family, no matter what.