Every Day is Day One

There's this thing called sobriety, and it's important and not important at the same time.

    I've been going to some new meetings in my area.  They are Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline meetings, otherwise known as SAL.

    They are awesome meetings.  The best meetings I've ever gone to. In the beginning of the meetings we all introduce ourselves and one of the things we share is how long we've been sober for.

     This is good in the sense that it gets it right out on the table. There is no hiding. In some of the meetings I've gone to you didn't have to say this. In others you got to define your own sobriety, which I think is insane thinking.

      In one such meeting I had a pretty awesome revelation. No one said it, and no one was even talking about it. But it was this: Length of sobriety doesn't mean anything.

      I know I've mentioned before how if someone looks at pornography years apart, but if they continue to look they are still an addict in the addiction cycle.

      But length of good strong recovery inducing sobriety doesn't mean anything. I know this might sound baffling so let me explain, this great sobriety with which an addict can change their behavior is great for marking progress. It's awesome for me to look back and judge how well I've been doing since this certain date to now. It's also very helpful for staying away from specific things or situations for a length of time to be able to see more clearly when those things or situations are forced back upon me.

        But does an addict's days of sobriety, months of sobriety, years of sobriety give him added power to face today? Do the days of sobriety add up in some kind of ultra-power bonus pack that helps me with today?

No.

Today is today.

       I can't ever say that yesterday's sobriety will carry over to today. Or that the last X amount of months of sobriety will take care of me today. It doesn't work like that.

       I have to be just as dependent on God today as any day. The sad truth is that I can relapse at any moment. I don't care how many years of sobriety someone has, relapse will always be a very present very real threat.

      Every day is the first day. As we read in the “white” book, ask or knowledge could've save us. Yeah it's useful and helpful in different ways, but it doesn't make me stay sober. There isn't anything there I can rely on to keep me sober. Every day is day one. I may know a whole lot more, I may have a lot of great behavioral changes, but its just as easy for me to choose Lust over Love. Every day I have to rely on God for sobriety 100%

      I've been noticing lately that the longer one has in genuine sobriety and Recovery the more vulnerable and wary they are of the danger. For some reason I has the mindset that the more sobriety one has, the more impervious they are to lust in all its forms. This is a lie.

      I can only get better at understanding how lust works inside me and how to better guard and keep away from it, and most importantly how better to turn my will to God.

      I was talking with a friend of mine in the program; we were talking about war and the Nephites. It is interesting that even though the Lamanites would attack them pretty much constantly the Nephites could defend against them, but God never permitted them to go into the Lamanite territory and attack them. The only time the Nephites did this was when they were most wicked and God left them to their own fate.

       This makes me think of my addiction. God is telling me that if I build up the boundaries and fortifications and work on myself, he will protect me. That's not saying that there won't be strife or that it's not going to be hard or painful. It DOES mean that He will watch over me and I will be able to view myself as good and with love. And I'll have security and peace.

Great Expectations; Great Resentments

For some reason, being an addict helps me have great expectations. I don't know why because my expectations are always ridiculously high. I had a sponsor tell me that "expectations are just resentments in disguise." Or something like that.
   It's so true.
   I know alot of it comes from the fact that I'm an addict, and one thing addiction does really well is distort reality.
   I read in "out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes about a high up city official that was a sex addict. One night on the way home he stopped at a red light. He looked over at the lady in the car next to him just as she looked over at him. They smiled, a bit embarrassed, and looked forward again.
   This guy was a little happier. She'd smiled at him. Maybe she liked him. The light turned green and they drive on, only to hit another red light, where they again looked at each other and laughed. This time he was sure she liked him. Why else was she driving at the same speed as him?
   They drove on, still around the same speed, when he thought maybe she wanted him to follow her. She sped up and got in front of him and he was sure to stay behind her. She pulled over and gestured him forward. He pulled over and started to get out when she drove on.
   The man "realized" she had been signaling him to follow her, so he did. He started thinking about where she was taking him. Was it to a hotel? Was it her place?
   Finally she pulled over next to a building and jumped out and started running up the steps. He thought she probably didn't want anyone to see them together, that's why she was hurrying.
   When he got out of his car and looked up at the building, he realized it was a police station! She hadn't been trying to get him to follow her, she'd been scared out of her mind and felt in danger.
   This is one of the things pornography does to us. Living in fantasy distorts reality. It also gives us expectations of what life and everything else should do for us, including our wives.
   Now pornography isn't the only thing. Religion played a big part in how i thought my wife should be. So did watching too many romance movies. (Why did i watch romance movies? Because girls liked romance movies and i thought that they'd think i was sooo cute for watching them...yeah...expectations.)
   I've had lots of resentment towards my wife. I've had lots of resentment towards my dad, mom, family, strangers, bosses, co-workers, etc. I would just start getting angry at everyone. (Still do sometimes! I haven't conquered this.)
   Took me long enough and some therapy to realize that my great expectations were indeed just resentments in the making. Why? Because NOTHING EVER LIVES UP TO FANTASY. Why? Because it's FANTASY! i.e. NOT REAL.
  One day my therapist told me to list some of my wife's (mrs. Mouse) characteristics. Good and bad. I said this like:
smart
beautiful
attention to detail
inquisitive (this was good and bad haha)
always late
oblivious
anti-romantic
selfish, spiritual
exclusive of her feelings
etc.
(Remember I'm am addict. In reality my wife can be completely different.)
   Then he asked, "give me the characteristics of what a wife SHOULD be like to you."
   This was alot easier. Hadn't i been daydreaming about this most of my life? My list looked similar to this:
Beautiful
Caring
Supportive
Patient
Loving
Great sense of humor
Etc.
    And then he asked, "which one of these is reality? Mrs. Mouse or your expectations?"
   Well if course it was Mrs. Mouse. That was the problem! Then he asked, "I'm not saying mrs. Mouse didn't have character flaws to change, but who is really to blame when you feel resentful when mrs. Mouse didn't act like your expectations of your perfect wife?"
   It was a good slap in the face.
   You see, my resentments had grown and grown because my wife wasn't living up to my great expectations. She was mrs. Mouse, not fantasy mrs. Mouse. She would NEVER be fantasy mrs. Mouse. Why? Because fantasy mrs. Mouse wasn't real.
   So these times i came home, for some reason thinking that my wife could keep the house clean with 4 kids under the age of 8, and have dinner ready and the clothes washed, and be in happy romantic spirits, was unrealistic? Was i preparing to spend an evening with my "dream" wife, and Mrs. Mouse shower up instead?
   Yes, and in return i would punish my REAL wife with depression, resentment, silence, anger, and frustration. Why? Because she ruined the happy fantasy land i wanted to be in when she didn't act how i EXPECTED her to act.
   I am the one ruining my own life. No one can ruin it for me.
   So when i begin to feel resentment with my wife, or children, or family, or even friends, i have to stop and think, "okay, who or what an i expecting to take place? Am i expecting my daydream or reality? Kids aren't quite and they don't always listen and they always interrupt when I'm wanting to do something for myself. They don't vanish into nonexistence until i want to give them attention. My wife in reality; has her own personality and hobbies and things she likes to do and things she has to do. She isn't the fake imagining of my heart that is completely devoted to me and nothing else.
   And what am i expecting of myself? What is the reality of me? And i patient, kind, and loving? A great husband and great father? No. I'm impatient, selfish, fearful, prone to irritation and annoyance. Do i expect myself to come home and be the happy husband that kisses his family and gives them his full attention, and then when i get home find resentment towards myself because i don't feel like i expect I'm supposed to feel? Yeah. I'm that guy. I'm the addict that wants to pretend to be the perfect husband and priesthood holder. The only difference is i can work on myself. I can't work on others.
   Our expectations and reality are always at odds. Anyone who goes to Disneyland understands this. (I thought the castle would be a lot bigger) doesn't mean we all won't enjoy our time there. It just means we expected something different. For an addict we depend so much on our fantasy for emotional stability and when reality shows us how wrong we are, we resent the true.
   It makes me think back on my whole life and the resentments i had for people. That had to manifest in how i interacted with people and that's something i didn't think about with step 4.
   And these expectations can be negative too. When I'm feeling anxious or stressed, my world goes upside down. Mrs. Mouse turns into the wicked witch, whose only goal in life is to accuse, attack, and try and perform inception on me so that i kill myself with depression, thinking it was my idea when it's really hers. When I'm in that frame of mind SHE'S the addict and I'm the humble husband trying to recover. And my kids are secretly TRYING to destroy my life. No one likes me and everyone at church points at me behind my back and calls me filthy and unclean. (Even writing this I'm thinking, "well that probably IS true." Haha)
   So what do we do? When that panic starts rolling in like a broken record playing scratchy noises, before we act on the resentment that our great expectations have turned into. Take a time out. Go into your bathroom, splash child water in your face, take deep breaths, look yourself in the mirror and say, "this has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. It's about me," and then tell your wife your having a panic attack. (Because that's what it is. The flight or fight response before we turn into the hulk and smash everything) call or text someone or someones. Vulnerability is the answer. Instead of trying to run from the impending doom, instead of attacking it with tooth and nail. Be vulnerable, fall down on your knees, bear your chest, and let it kill you. Don't run, don't fight. Let the truth of your feelings be known, and let yourself be run through, gutted, eviscerated, because that will always be better for us than being acted upon by the shock of failed expectations and resentments.
   Death is better than picking up that sword if picking up that sword means there's the slightest tiniest chance of helping your addiction in any way.
   Isn't it?