When do i really relapse?

So I've been thinking about my relapse. I am definitely grateful to the addiction book: Sitting in a Row boat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship. Because it helped me take a step back and realize when the acting out really occurred. I didn't physically act out, by some people's standards i technically didn't even look at porn. There's been a few guys from my meetings who believe i didn't do anything wrong.
   But i did something wrong. I looked at images, was triggered, and decided to keep on looking. It's like Andrew's book says about the alcoholic that has the drink in front of him but doesn't drink it, yet imagines it in his hand, imagines the taste in his mouth, imagines how it will make him feel. He's triggering the same chemical reactions in his body as if he were drinking it.
   That's what i did. Yeah, the physical acting out might have added the repetitive nature and programming of the desire, but the viewing of it put me in an altered state of mind that was not reality. This altered state would make it easier to physically act out.This altered state i had resisted for months and it was getting easier and easier to stay away from it and also to recognize what was happening earlier on and being able to back out before it was too late.
   So i acted out. Triggered and followed old patterns, thus making them new. Thus making them more familiar again. Thus making my mind act as if i HAD physically acted out.
   I used to think that a relapse was physically acting out. i.e. masturbation. But came to the realization that if i kept that the definition of a relapse, i'd just keep on masturbating. Why? Because the viewing of pornography (ANY triggering material that i view with the intent to lust) would inevitably lead me to acting out physically anyway. Why? Because viewing it and imagining it creates the same chemical responses and makes them stronger.
   So now i have to set down the new rule/guideline to keep me away from even viewing that stuff. Because if viewing it is a relapse, then i need to take a step back from that.
   That must mean that the actions i take before viewing pornography are relapse actions right?
   So, what were those actions? If i go through my actions and view them with no blame and in the full light of reality, and go through them with a sponsor, and even my wife, i realized that it all comes down to honesty/vulnerability.
   If i am not vulnerable with my feelings, and i am not honest about them, i will relapse. That is a fact. I need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it as complete fact. There is no way around it.
   What does that mean? I have to be "weak" and vulnerable to my wife, to my sponsor, to other men in the program. I've got to be open. I HAVE to be an open book. Writing it in my journal isn't enough. And i have to be honest to the point of blaming myself. Accepting that my anxiety, frustrations, anger, is all mine. All of it.
   Here's my personal example. I was telling my wife that i didn't share my feelings with her because i knew how she would respond. (First off do i actually know how she's going to respond each time? Of course not. This is another example of fantasy being seen as reality.)
   I said she would respond with a half hearted, "I'm sorry hun," as she continued doing whatever else she was doing.
   When i told her this she said, "you can't blame this on me."
   I went on to assure her that i wasn't blaming her because i knew i was supposed to tell her how i was feeling, but that i decided not to.
   After going back and forth for awhile, her understanding more and more how very much insane i am, and confused as to why i didn't think i was blaming, and me completely confident that i wasn't blaming, she then said, "if you knew what you should do despite my actions then you would have done it."
   I disagreed yet again. I said that i knew what i should do, but decided not to tell her anyway. Her response was, "why?"
   My first response, classic addict response, "i don't know." But then i thought about it. U knew i should tell her but since i thought i knew what her response would be, i decided not to.
   I WAS blaming her. I decided i wouldn't share my feelings because of the actions i thought she would take. So, i decided not to share my feelings based on HER actions.
   Maybe to normal people, this was obvious, but to me it wasn't. This revelation exploded in my brain. I WAS blaming her, but in a sneaky way that i didn't even realize i was doing.
   She was right. If i knew i should tell her no matter what, then i would have. Why? Because I'd have NO REASON NOT TO!
   I was just looking at my decision not to tell her as if that was me accepting blame, but in reality i was accepting blame for not telling her based on how i thought she would act, which isn't accepting blame, but putting it on her! If i didn't think of how she would react, and came up on the thought, "i know i should tell my wife..." then i would have just told my wife.
   This sent my thoughts on to everything else I'd done (or hadn't done) in the past, or even present. Things that i thought i was accepting blame for but really wasn't.
1. I "accepted" blame for choosing not to go to church because i find it boring and because one of my children were sick. But this isn't accepting blame. This is stating that church is boring and one of my kids is sick, and THOSE are the reasons i don't go. I'm blaming it on them.
2. I haven't been working the program because I've been busy with work and kids and don't have a lot of time. I'm blaming work and kids and time.

I have to accept full responsibility, that's the only way to commit to right action. So, relapsing will be when i don't share my feelings and being vulnerable, but I'm probably going to have to put a time limit on it, as in, within 24hrs. We'll practice at this and see how it goes.

ALSO: heard a few people ask about when and how to decide about changing a sobriety date. I was going to write the answer as a comment but it got too long. I made the When Do I Relapse? Part 2 specifically in regards to this question.

Is Everything Gray or Black and White?

Can I just say something real quick? This wont take long. (well, who knows, it could.) But I am really sick of people stating that things aren't black and white. I've heard some people talk, I've read some blogs, and I've almost gotten into a debate with some guy who was somehow trying to tell me that masturbating sometimes can be okay, its not always black and white. All of these are members of the church by the way.

   And I guess I'm just kind of baffled by this. Addiction isn't black and white? Certain things in an addict's life are a gray area? God's ways are a gray area? WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

   I have LIVED MY LIFE in that gray area. Or wait, let me restate. I have LIVED MY LIFE believing there was a gray area. As an addict I want to believe everything is gray. 

   "Well, I was having a sex dream...soooo...its okay to finish..."

   "Man my day has been sooooo stressful, this is really helping me..."

   "This will all go away after I'm married..."

   "If I take photos/videos of my wife, or THINK about my wife while masturbating, its okay..."

   "I feel like the spirit says its okay to masturbate because..."

   "I looked at porn and masturbated, but its been SOOO long since I did it the last time, and I don't plan on doing it again, so I don't need to tell my wife/bishop/sponsor..."

   "Its okay if I slip if I learn something from it..."

   Gray areas...I believe gray areas are fabrications we make to get away with something we know is wrong. 

   "Well he didn't specify that masturbation is wrong in every instance...so...this must be one of those instances..."

    I was talking with a kid once who was getting ready to go on a mission, he said he had a problem with pornography and masturbation and was wondering if he needed to tell his bishop and get things straightened out before he goes. I basically said, HELL YES.

   People didn't like that. I was told by someone that if everyone decided to stay home from their mission because they had a masturbation problem then no one would go on missions. My response. GOOD. At least they were willing to be honest and get help. In fact, I think it's safe to say that God would rather you be honest with yourself and stay home and get help and then see if you want to go on a mission, rather than go on one and have loads of regret later. 

    Someone wanted to know if masturbating to pictures of their wife was a sin or not. Hahaha. I said yes. Others said it depends. Others said it was a gray area. Like Nephi killing Laban. I think they were trying to equate killing Laban to murder, which are two different things entirely. 

    I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble. But there really isn't a gray area. God is very straight forward, God is very black and white. If you sin you are damned. If you follow the precepts and commandments of God perfectly, you are saved. 

   I can already see what will happen if I say this in Priesthood. There would be an uproar as people try to clarify. But that is the ultimate clarity. God cannot allow sin in the LEAST degree. He doesn't say that little sins are okay. He doesn't say that if there's no other way and you feel like you HAVE to sin, its okay. He says NO SIN. NONE. ZERO. 

  But...what...what if you are starving, and your family is starving, and so you steal food. That's okay. Right?

  No. I'm sure that in some aspects of it, Christ will take your sin upon himself, but it's still a sin. 

  God knows that we love to believe in gray areas. That's why he gave us 10 definite commandments to start off with, and then continues to give us more to build off of. 

   But we know for certain that God said there is NO ALLOWANCE for sin and that ALL SIN COMES WITH A PUNISHMENT AFFIXED. These are rules that even God can't get around. Sin is sin and there is a price affixed to every sin.

   What does that mean for us the sinners? That we are damned, but saved ONLY on the merits of Jesus Christ. What does that mean? We know that the sin MUST BE PAID FOR. God can't wave the fee. When He talks about blotting out our sins in the big book, he isn't erasing them from existence. He is TRANSFERRING the sin to someone else. The price MUST be paid. There is no way around it. So if we do our best in the repentance process and stop doing the sin that we are doing, what happens to that price? Christ pays that price. 

   I don't know what a "normal" person can do. I stopped being normal before I knew how to write.  I'm an addict and so I can only say what I know about being an addict. For us, the addicted, the more "gray" areas we believe are in our lives, the worse off we'll be.

   The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were great at understanding this. They knew even to get out of the gray areas. Sure, they could have KEPT their swords, their weapons of war. They could have used them to cut their fields, chop wood, etc. They could have kept the metal around long enough to melt them down and form them into something else. But they knew one thing that I as an addict still struggle with, Life is a lot easier when you live in black and white. It might seem like it sucks, but addicts NEED routine, stability, rules. These people KNEW that there might be even the SLIGHTEST most TINIEST desire to pick up that sword and hurt someone. That even using that sword as a tool for cutting wood or whatever would REMIND them of their addiction to blood lust. That even shaping it into a new completely harmless tool, would still trigger their minds to how things WERE. 

   So they completely got rid of them. End of story. What does that mean for me as an addict to lust and pornography? What are my weapons? Well, I've seen a lot of bad stuff on tv. I've acted out to a lot of bad stuff on tv. Now my tv is password protected. There are I believe only 4 tv channels that are not locked on my tv. And 3 of those are the disney channels, the 4th is the BYU channel. Not only that, but its password protected for shows TV-7Y and up. So yeah, I'm stuck with Doc McStuffins and Sophia the first, Micky Mouse Club house (I hate that show so much) and my all time favorite Disney Channel show, Octonauts. So I can only watch normal tv when my wife is home and around. Does it suck? OH MY GOSH. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW BAD IT SUCKS. Especially when my wife is gone with her friends or out of town, and all I have to watch is disney cartoons or byu. (oh wait, we do have that baby first channel unlocked). Do I sometimes want to shoot myself. Yes. But is it worth it. YES. YES. YES. YES. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to have free reign over the tv. We thought just blocking rated R shows and above would be enough in the past, but then I relapsed to infomercials and lame stuff. So no, I can't handle that. 

   I don't have an ipad. Our home computer is locked and I can't get on it unless my wife is with me. I cannot access the internet or 99% of the apps on my phone. I do not have an xbox. Why? Because I can't handle them. I love art, but do I have art books in my home that show provocative  material, even greek statues? no, because I can't trust myself. Does it suck. Yeah it can. But how do I feel about myself. OOOOOh man I feel so free in some ways. 

   Am I saying all of you should do this? Heck I don't know. Am I trying to brag? No, i'm trying to tell you I am so far into my addiction that I'll act out on INFOMERCIALS AND ANCIENT GREEK STATUES! That's how messed up my head is.

   Now I can only try and base working toward recovery based off of what others have done that works. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis had to give up opportunity to reestablish a correct perception of agency. They had to eliminate the gray areas. Would defending their families a sin? No, but the chance that fighting could affect them negatively was there. even if it was a sliver. Even after their change of heart. 

   I don't know about "normal" people. Maybe they can masturbate and feel like God thinks its okay. Maybe they can not mention it to their bishop or their wives. I don't know. but I do know, for an addict. There are no gray areas. There can be no gray areas. Would having an ipad be beneficial for my family and children? Help them learn and play, absolutely. But its not worth it here. 

   Sin is sin. The price you have to pay might be big or small, but all sin keeps us away from God's presence. 

   God doesn't say its okay to sin sometimes. He doesn't say that sometimes self sexual gratification is good, depending on the circumstance. He says no. Addicts can't trust their own thinking. Why? Because we will talk us into acting out EVERY TIME. Our brains are broken after all.

   

Recovery: Being Born Again

So here is something i hear alot about from other addicts and the spouses of addicts pertaining to the "no slips in recovery" argument:

-"I don't agree with the no slips in recovery because it's demoralizing."
-"The addict feels like they have to be perfect, which makes them feel hopeless."
-"They won't try because it seems impossible"

There's more, but they come to the same types of conclusions.
Now, I'm not in recovery. I'm not close to being in recovery. I've got a little over 9 months of sobriety. So i can't tell you what someone in true recovery can tell you. I've never experienced life at that level. I can say that while I've believed this, (that there are no slips in recovery) my sobriety has been the longest ever, and the people i know in the different sex addiction programs, some of them my good friends, who believe that slips are ok, maintain a few weeks of sobriety at a time.

Sobriety and Recovery, what's the difference?

I keep coming back to the Anti-Nephi-Lehis when i think of recovery and working toward recovery.
   In the Book of Mormon these anti-nephi-lehis used to be lamanites who were addicted to the shedding of blood. They didn't just like killing, they were ADDICTED to it.
   When i think of being addicted to lust, i think about how i acted and everything i did to satisfy that hunger. And to think that these guys, like me, must have had their minds on it all day everyday, that's crazy.
    But they found God and were born again. They became new creatures. Their very identities changed. But they were smart. They took the things that helped satisfy their lust for blood, and buried them.
   I find it interesting. They were just swords. They could have used them for other things. Could even have melted then down. Beaten them to plow shares. A sword can be a very useful too. It can protect the innocent. So why bury them?
   Because there was a chance, just a chance, that picking up that sword could trigger them. That is true recovery.