I'm
not going to lie. I feel lonely a lot. I'm tired of going to meeting
and hearing people justify themselves and I'm tired of everyone
performing amazing magic tricks and vanishing right after the closing
prayer of the meetings. They can give Batman and his little smoke viles a
run for his money.
I
currently don't know anyone (besides my sponsor) who is at least
willing to admit that what they've done so far hasn't worked and willing
to do more to seek out this mysterious "recovery" we whisper about.
I
want some friends. I want some guys I can talk to that understand and
don't justify themselves and who are progressing toward recovery.
Friends I can hang out with, who can hear me vent and understand that
I'm not thinking clearly and will tell me so. Guys that I can call and
who will call me when things are rough and also call just to talk and
want to hang out with.
I
can't really say about other addictions. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't
do drugs, but it seems like with those, the addiction doesn't mind you
being around others. In fact sometimes it probably encourages it.
It
seems like with lust and pornography, the addiction totally isolates
you even when you meet and share experiences with other addicts. After
meetings we all vanish faster than a batch of getting cockroaches when a
light flicks on. (And so none of you addicts are offended, I consider
myself the biggest fattest roach at the feast.)
Maybe
I'm out of place in this? Maybe the meetings are just a place to go and
then leave feeling good that we said something? I want war buddies.
Guys that have seen the fighting (and dying) alongside me and who I can
band together with.
I
need that. I don't know about anybody else, but I need friends. I can
text and call people all I want, but (and I really don't mean to be rude
or mean) it's hard to take advice from guys that blame and justify and
take lightly and are constantly at one week intervals. And that is maybe
because I'm prideful or something. But I feel like I've been there and
told myself all those "good" things and relapsed again and again.
Sorry
this isn't like, more uplifting or anything. Just feeling alone in my
efforts and wishing there were other guys out there that I could bounce
ideas and thoughts off of that would understand what I'm saying and who
are willing to dig uncomfortably into themselves to work toward recovery
also, because as it stands right now, the way I think about what
recovery and sobriety are and how to get there and where the addiction
stems from is complete gibberish to everyone else around me. I can
REALLY and ACTUALLY see their eyes glaze over as they bid at what I'm
saying.
And since everyone I talk to doesn't get what I'm saying I start to wonder if it's me just being crazy.
Anyways, that's my speech today. Feeling lonely sucks. Isolation is worse.
