I think that the whole "men are just wired that way" is a myth. .
In fact, my wife and I were just talking about it, and I don't think we are "wired" for visual or emotional input more than the other. I think many many generations of time of fathers teaching sons has led us to feel wired that way, or more pre-dispoded to it. Same with mothers to daughters. When I think about it, I don't see Adam that way. I don't see Jesus that way.
Even if that were the case, that gives no credence to letting myself LOOK at the visual sensory input if it's bad for me.
One of the most concrete and important laws of eternity are: I have agency. I have a choice. God cannot subvert or take away my agency. In fact, even if I beg and plead with God to take my agency and MAKE me do his will, he cannot. There is NO WAY God can take my agency and him still be God. In fact, this law is SO SO important, that there was a WAR in heaven. It was sooo important that God, who loves me and you sooo much, that he would let 1/3rd of ALL his children choose not to come here and follow the plan.
To say, "I'm just a guy and that's what I do," is complete and utter BULL SHNIKIES. We were not designed to be controlled. God made us that we might be "agents unto [our]selves". Meaning that we are in control of our own lives, bodies, Destiny.
Women (most at least) don't read romance novels and soap operas and act out to them and get addicted to them and say, "I'm just a woman. I'm programmed that way." Maybe they do and I just never hear it. Maybe there are as many addicts to that stuff as we (men) are to porn and the like. I know I'm addicted to sex in the written word.
We keep wanting to have control, but then when we make mistakes blame it on something else. The bad thing about blame is we can't learn from those experiences. It's like that quote: "those who don't study history are bound to repeat it"? I can't remember if those are the specific words, but this is certainly true for addiction. Blame is blocking our view of what really happened. And if we don't see what really happened, we are going to do it again.
When I say, "I'm just wired that way." I'm blaming something else, even though that blame is still falling on me.
"I did it because my wife won't sleep with me enough."
"I did it because I don't see anything wrong with it."
"I did it because I was really tired and not thinking clearly."
"Satan tempted me."
"It can be very healthy."
All these things are excuses. We don't want to admit that we gave up control. And if we are not in control of ourselves then we are not fit for the kingdom of God.
"But Anoni Mouse, we have to give up our control to God! Saying that us lacking control is bad is a contradicting thing to say!"
Is it?
Think of it this way, I don't have control over my addiction. It has control over me. It controls my body. I gave it control. And we know that addiction will not ever give the control back. The price must be paid. I am acted upon by my addiction.
I can't get the control back from the addiction, therefore I have to give my control to a third party. God. But the addiction will only give God control if God gives the addiction what the addiction wants. Suffering. Depression. Death.
Jesus pays for the control. How? How can he pay for the control when what the addiction is asking for is all of my life? Because Christ can suffer a life time and still be alive. How? Because he's never sinned.
So now that God has paid for the control, guess what? Does he keep it? No, he can't. If he did he would cease to be God. Since God can't keep it and doesn't want it, he gives it back to us and essentially says, "I'll help you manage your control. You focus on controlling ONLY the things you can control, and I'll do the rest until you come to a point in your RECOVERY (not sobriety) where we will review the things you can control and you can take on more control."
God helps us control what we cannot. If I'm submissive to God and am only controlling what I can, when something happens that's outside of my control, whether it be finding a porn magazine or having someone we've had an affair with suddenly call us or email us, or whatever it may be, God gives us the ability to be a godly man for a few minutes or a lifetime, to get out of the situation we would never get out of ourselves.
Remember God wants us to have complete control of ourselves. COMPLETE.
If we decide to take full control before we can manage control, guess what? Jesus stops paying the addiction and since we've already made a binding contract with the addiction, we have to start paying the price again. Bummer for us.
What can an addict control? This may be variable. And it also means we have to look at our own histories, which we can't do if we're blaming.
-He can control what he reads.
When you look at your history, what do you notice? Have you started reading a book and when you happened upon a sex scene and were triggered did you keep reading or stop? Did you act out on it (physically and/or mentally)? If you did any of these things, then don't read those kinds of books.anything that might have bad stuff in it, just don't read it.
-He can control what he looks at.
Can you watch TV and not be triggered and not act out? (physically and/or mentally) Are there specific channels that are definitely safe? If by looking at your history; watching a specific channel or commercials is triggering and you act out, then stop watching them. Don't watch anything close to your addiction. Does it suck? Sure. But do you want to give up avg eternity of joy and happiness for a "really cool" movie with good graphics, a "great" storyline, and just a little bit of nudity?
Can you go online alone for any reason (even work) and not feel triggered or excitement to lust or fantasize? If you view your history and can't, (and lust addicts can't btw) then don't go online alone! Only go online when your wife is in the room. If you can't even then, don't go on at all.
-He can control his actions with others
Can you talk to members of the opposite sex and not feel triggered or lustful or put in an altered state (i.e. NOT reality). If you view your history and can't, BE RUDE. Don't meet their eyes, don't hold the door open for them, give them the shortest answers possible. GET AWAY FROM THEM.
-He can control his thoughts
Can you think about sex and not feel triggered or lustful? If you view your history and can't, (oh and no lust addict can btw) then DON'T. Don't even go there! Don't think about the "what ifs" "i wonders" "would haves" and "could haves". Oh and the "I wishes" too. Don't do fantasy. Don't wait for reality to be as good as fantasy because it won't ever be as good as fantasy. In fantasy we make the rules. Guess what, even God has to obey the rules that are already in place.
Hmmm....this sounds alot like Mosiah chapter 4. Something about watching our thoughts words and deeds.
"But Anoni, my JOB is with computers! I HAVE TO be online!"
Can you do your job and not look at porn or view anything with sexual or self stimulus intent?
"Yes. I can decide right now to change."
What does history tell you about yourself.
"Well I haven't been able to in the past."
Then you don't have control. Find a new job.
"I can't just drop my job and look for something else! This is what I went to school for! I can't start over! We'll be out on the streets!"
What did Jesus say to the rich kid? "Give up all that thou hast, come and follow me." Or something like that?
It's more possible for the Titanic to rise up out of the ocean, mend itself together, brake out all the artifacts from museums all over the world, destroy every copy of James Camren's Titanic movie, and fit through the eye of a microscopic needle than it is for a porn addict to gain recovery (exaltation, forgiveness) while having unrestricted unsupervised internet access. Or Unrestricted thoughts. Or unrestricted actions. Or unrestricted sight. Or unrestricted actions.
I'm sure God cares more about your recovery than your job. No matter how disastrous employment looks.
"I can't get away from it, it's part of my work." Is blaming.
Good will provide.
I'm preaching to myself every time I post. These are all things I need to work on myself. God doesn't care so much about my degree or how much money I have or exactly how I care for and provide for my family. If I do what I can, he'll take care of me and my family, no matter what.
It is truly dumbfounded what some addicts believe. My husband basically says, "I am an addict, powerless over lust, but I am special and since I could go months or even years without acting out or looking at porn(AKA white knuckling) if I am not feeling lustful or tempted, it's alright for me to be on the internet, late at night, in a hotel by myself, doing whatever I feel like, because I won't look at porn". And I'm just over here scratching my head.
ReplyDelete*dumbfounding
DeleteThe thing is, addiction is a cycle. Whether it takes him a year to look at porn-ANYTHING with sexual intent- or a few days, or a month, or whatever the case may be. He's still in an addictive cycle. The time in between the relapse counts for nothing because he's still in the addiction cycle and still talking walking thinking addict. His behavior haven't changed. His perception of reality hasn't changed. "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck..."
ReplyDeleteSobriety, progress toward recovery, can only be measured by the change in a person's behavior. He should never tell anyone he's "changing", not even you. This is addict behavior, being afraid no one sees "progress" in him, and if no one else does then he must not be. Changing behavior makes the addict feel more secure in himself and allows him to let others think what they will while he just does the best he can.
I'm sorry you've had to go through and are going through all that is happening. No one should have to go through what you're going through. I sometimes wish I had a baseball bat of change that I could beat people with. (Especially myself.) Thanks for sharing.
It's funny that you say "no one should have to go through what you're going through", he says the same thing word for word. I wish I had a baseball bat too! :)
DeleteYeah, that's therapy talk i guess. (the no one should... comment) I feel kind of dumb for using it, but it is true. You should never have to go through that. if it's anything like what my wife has gone through with me then I feel terrible for what you have to go through. You didn't do anything wrong. I hope the best for you both.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful truth. I agree with the conditioning we've undergone -culturally? societal? I don't know... all I know is that as a high school girl, I believed that the only married men who looked at porn "had" to because their wives were probably frigid... and men "need" sex.
ReplyDeleteI also believed, partly because I'm seriously prideful and partly because I was aware of my worth, that I WAS ENOUGH (that's my worth) and that my husband would never need porn (that's my pride).
In the course of going through recovery, I don't see things like that anymore. I've had women listen to my story and shrug and say, "Unfortunately, that's just how men are." And I've felt sad because if they're saying that, they've been fed that animalistic view from someone they love and trust. More than likely, they've held onto those words to keep them through hard times where they feel inadequate.
I speak up more and more and say, "No, it isn't. It just isn't."
I've been listening to "The Heavenly Life" by James Allen and I think you'd really appreciate it. It's easy to listen to, written by a Philosopher who died in 1912. He lived a life of simplicity and his words and seriously, seriously gospel. You can find it online, stream it for free. It's even on youtube and can be listened to in 90 minutes. He talks about overcoming the animal parts of ourselves and accessing heaven on earth.
Reading your words and listening to his has been enriching for me tonight -they seem to tie in together.
Thanks for taking time to post your thoughts.
When he keeps looking or has contact with the other woman and then lies . When he leaves obvious triggers around , reminders of her and denies it ( so how do you hand your wife papers with her writing all over it and say its an accident ) , looks right in front of me and lies ....this kind of junk is the crowning act of controlling . To manipulate and twist in order to shove an already hurting wife to run for the divorce lawyer is the desperate need to control . I know I am not the first wife who encountered this extreme . Another wife told me her husband admitted he was purposely driving her to get a divorce because he had to continue to appear the good guy , to win . Win WHAT I ask ?? The acting like lust is done issue , nope no more problemo , nada , " I only want you ..." , where does controlling play into a mind like this ? Or is he really this insane and can no longer comprehend what he is doing ???
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting Alicia to hear from the female point of view what you were taught about pornography growing up. It's sad that we live in a world where this is the norm. We find out that friends and family might be using, doing drugs, pills, and we are in shock and wonder what got them so turned around. But then we hear of people looking at porn and snicker about it or just nod in acceptance.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. The more I gain a relationship with God, the more I understand we are perfect as we are. Being mortal does not take away from our perfection. Heck, even sinning does not take away from our perfection if we are constantly striving to better ourselves. Addiction on the other hand does because it takes away our ability to see clearly.
I'm glad you have found the desire and truth to stand up for yourself. No, men don't just look at porn because they are men. In my associations with addicts, I used to take a softer stance, "maybe their addiction is different? Maybe they can control certain aspects of it? Maybe they are telling the truth?" I would think. But I am getting more and more tired of the "non-offensive" or passive approach. Maybe this is a bad thing. But I get why Alma the Younger (don't know if you are LDS but he's a Book of Mormon prophet) wishes that he could speak with the power of angels. Because when he was spoken to by an angel it knocked him on his butt, laid him out, and forced him to see the truth behind his actions and showed where he was going. Scared him to hell.
I would very much like to read that book. I've read his book "As a Man Thinketh" and love it. I read it quite a bit. It's so good that Spencer W. Kimball has a whole chapter in his book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" dedicated to it. Didn't even know James Allen had another one. I'll have to get it!
And Hope, can I beat up your husband? It is true that we addicts of lust always want to be the good guy. I think in part, it's because if we look the part people admire us for it and that makes us feel good and makes it easier to believe we aren't psycho. Also trying to force the other person to do the divorce makes us feel released of responsibility. -I can blame everything on my wife and that she was crazy and I was always just trying to work it out because I "want" it to work. But she wanted a divorce instead.- we are cowards.
Lust addicts are insane. No, literally, they are insane. Think of someone who is insane and institutionalized. A crazy person talking to people who aren't there, laughing at nothing, zoning off into space, obsessed with gum wrapper origami and OCD about some things and completely lax about others. Unstable in his moods, happy one second and reading mad the next.
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Addicts are insane. The only difference is addicts know how to appear normal and Looney bin crazies do not. Fantasy becomes our reality.
So why do we want to control? Because we want to feel "safe". And our version of safety is not reality. So yes, we can truck ourselves into believing that we don't list anymore, why? Because in our version of reality we aren't lusting, we are "enjoying the beautiful creations God made women to be." Or some other BS that excuses our behavior.
It's sad and it's regretful that we've wired ourselves to these ideas so strongly that these wires can't be cut unless something huge and unexpected happens.