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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Addicts Only Respond To Pain and Loss


Tuesday, June 24, 2014


I'm sitting in a PASG meeting, and I'm more aware of how insane we as addicts are. We are so completely nuts, and until we crash and burn, we don't get it.
   I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
   "The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
   I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
   I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
   These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
   And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.

   Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
   This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
   I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
   So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
   Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
   So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
   Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
   I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
   My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
   What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
   Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
   My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
   Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
   I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
   I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
   I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
   Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
   I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety. 

Transformers Daydream


Tuesday, June 10, 2014


The Transformers Daydream...
   I like the Transformers movie. It's funny. It's entertaining. But I've begun to realize that my daydreams were basically the Transformers movie repeated in various ways that ended up turning more and more sexual.
   The Transformers movie is about a kid that isn't doing much to improve his life. As far as we know his only goal is to have sex with girls that look like they are from adult magazines.
   All this crazy stuff happens to him, robot aliens try to kill him, and he's somehow forced to gain some sense of honor and truth and in turn he gets the porn star girlfriend that REALLY and truly "loves" him because...Well, because of all these good qualities he has that we haven't seen in the movie but are sure these qualities exist.
   That's how my daydreams roll. I start thinking, "what if terrorists decided to hold up this Wal-Mart?" Or, "what if I'm driving and this lady comes running up asking for help, i let her in and some dudes start chasing us with machine guns?" And if course in my daydreams I'm young and incredibly for and good looking. I go through these ordeals, and through the course of my daydream and fending off hordes of evil men to protect this beautiful woman,  this woman I'm saving falls in love with me and me with her. We have sex and live happily ever after.
   Sounds like most action movies right? So what is the consequence with this daydream besides that by the end i feel triggered? EVERYTHING.

How to Tell What's Going On With Your Addict


Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don't know how to bring this up without it being slightly awkward, or maybe even hurtful in a way, but i feel it needs to be said because, well, it needs to be said. 

   Let me start by telling you about my own experience. My wife found out about my addiction about 3 years ago. I struggled off and on alot for a little over a year, with the lying and deceiving and being caught or feeling so ashamed i said something weeks after the fact. Then things seemed to change. I stopped acting guilty and ashamed and self loathing and my wife (and myself for awhile) thought i was finally getting better.
   I wasn't. I was feeling less shame for my actions because of all the "support" people would give me. ("It's okay", "you can do better", "your a good man", "move on", etc) and learning lots of good information from my counselor and scripture study and praying. But she believed i was getting better because i had stopped showing alot of the outward signs of relapse.
   I hear of alot of women who think this way. Who accept what their addict husband tells them and move on and then feel completely shocked when they find out he hasn't actually been doing better.
   This is why sobriety as a number or notch to put on your belt doesn't work. If someone looks at pornography only once a year, he's still an addict acting out in his addiction cycle. Regardless of the times in between. This means that a change has not taken place. This means that he's still acting out and its only a matter of time before it gets worse.
   So what is the wife of an addict to do? And I'll probably get some backlash from addicts about this, but firstly, don't trust your addict husband. You have every right not to trusthim. You are justified before God not to trust your addict husband. He has lied to you numerous times that you know of. Don't take his word for it now. You are doing the right thing by not trusting God words.

4 Things That Have Helped Me Work Toward Recovery in Pornography Addiction


Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm no where close to being in recovery. (Recovery how I define it anyway) I am going on my 3rd year of working the LDS church's 12 step PASG program. And this is probably the first year that I've really WORKED it. This is the first time in my life I have had 113 days of sobriety. I'm not saying that there's no way I'm going to act out again. Heck, I can't even guarantee that i won't relapse today. It's a moment by moment opportunity. Albeit a bad one. And the 113 days actually count for nothing, but the changes of behavior that occur within the time of sobriety count for something. Anyone can have long periods of sobriety. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once a day, that's their addiction cycle.if someone looks at pornography/acts out once a week that's their addiction cycle, if someone looks at pornography once a month, that's their addiction cycle. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once A YEAR, that's their addiction cycle. The time in between that they call "sobriety" is actually spent feeling guilt and shame and "white knuckling". Those are parts of the addiction cycle. I have been sober for 113 days and have noticed behavioral changes. There are a few reasons to this.
1. My wonderful wife kicked me out of the house.