4 Things That Have Helped Me Work Toward Recovery in Pornography Addiction

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm no where close to being in recovery. (Recovery how I define it anyway) I am going on my 3rd year of working the LDS church's 12 step PASG program. And this is probably the first year that I've really WORKED it. This is the first time in my life I have had 113 days of sobriety. I'm not saying that there's no way I'm going to act out again. Heck, I can't even guarantee that i won't relapse today. It's a moment by moment opportunity. Albeit a bad one. And the 113 days actually count for nothing, but the changes of behavior that occur within the time of sobriety count for something. Anyone can have long periods of sobriety. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once a day, that's their addiction cycle.if someone looks at pornography/acts out once a week that's their addiction cycle, if someone looks at pornography once a month, that's their addiction cycle. If someone looks at pornography/acts out once A YEAR, that's their addiction cycle. The time in between that they call "sobriety" is actually spent feeling guilt and shame and "white knuckling". Those are parts of the addiction cycle. I have been sober for 113 days and have noticed behavioral changes. There are a few reasons to this.

1. My wonderful wife kicked me out of the house.
That sucked. That REALLY sucked. But the pain of it was too great for me to ignore or to medicate because the self medication was the reason for my kick out anyway. This brought about a few things. Fear. LOTS of fear. "Addicts will not change until the fear of the problem becomes worse than the fear of the solution." I knew I was an addict already, but now I was alone and living the consequences. I now had complete opportunity to act out whenever and however i wanted without her consequences because i was alone. And that got me thinking. Did i want to continue this? I knew that she didn't want me to. But did i not want me to? What did i want for myself? Did i want to live the rest of my life depressed, sad, alone? And knowing that it was going to get worse. If not stopped, IT WILL GET WORSE. I didn't know how, but i knew that IT WOULD KILL ME. I'm not saying spiritually, I'm not saying metaphorically, (well i definitely would spiritually die), but it would, one way or another, PHYSICALLY KILL ME. whether through disease, suicide, or just losing the will to live. I would die. So the term, "pornography addiction is like cancer", is true. It's terminal. I can take the right "meds" to keep it in remission, but it's still there. And if i don't take the right "meds" sooner or later, it will consume me to the point of physical death.

2. My awesome wife showed me an essay, "the ABC's of Porn Addiction" by Andrew Pipanne (i think that's how his last name is spelled). He also has a blog "rowboat and marbles.com" and a book, "sitting in a rowboat throwing marbles at a battleship" anyway, the essay changed how i viewed my addiction. It helped me recognize that the cycle started way before just feeling triggered and trying too resist. At this time I'm not going to get in to his article because I'll just end up writing the whole thing, haha.

3. I've been going to the church meetings since i was caught by my wife. They were good and i learned alot and felt the spirit from most of them, but then i went to one right after i got kicked out and it was completely different than the others. People started calling and texting me the next day. People reached out to me with their struggles and in turn i started reaching out to them as well. I cannot tell you how many times just talking to someone and expressing my feelings has dramatically changed my mood immediately after. It's helped me better understand what I'm feeling and its given comfort. For me a big part of acting out is because i feel shame and loneliness. Talking to others brings me out of isolation. And since isolation will ALWAYS bring me to relapse, doing things that take me away from isolation are good.

4.Therapy. God bless my psychiatrist. For some reason addicts i know her a little touchy around this subject. Most don't think they need one. Some aren't setting the right kind. Some are going to marriage counseling. I've seen 2 therapists in my life. The first one i went to i liked alot, my wife wasn't sure about him. He was a counselor and he had alot of good advice for me. I learned alot of information from him. But going to him was like me going to a brain surgeon who was waiting for me to point to the different areas in my brain that needed fixing, and him being willing to hand me the necessary tools while i performed brain surgery in myself. Then a few months ago i started seeing a certified psychologist. I knew he was good when, after the first visit with him, i didn't like him but i knew what he said was true. Going to him is like going to a brain surgeon that examines my brain and tells me where the problems are located and then gets my permission to perform the proper surgery. Some addicts say things about how therapy doesn't work. That's because they are seeing the wrong therapist. Others say they can't afford therapy. God will help you find the time or the money, or the correct therapist. Get on your knees and beg your bishop for support if you need to.
   I cannot perform brain surgery on myself, and being an addict means that I'm insane. My brain is broken. Even if i was a brain surgeon, i still couldn't perform brain surgery on myself. Some people believe that all they need is God, and i am a firm believer that it is only in and through Him that recovery is possible. But God respect our boundaries. He cannot put more effort into our recovery than we do. Otherwise our freedom would be compromised and God will not and cannot take our agency away from us. We cannot put ANY restrictions on recovery or we will inevitably fail. "It's too much money", "it's too late tonight", "I'll get back on track tomorrow", "its too far", these are restrictions. In essence we are saying, "if it was easier I'd do it. But I'm not comfortable with doing all i can to have a change of heart. That's asking too much." What is it worth to you? Really. What is it worth? I admit that sometimes, for me, it's worth more than at other times. I'm still striving for full and complete devotion.

Anyway, these are the things that have helped me thus far. Like i said, I'm not IN recovery. I've got a LONG way to go before i can even think about if I'm in recovery or not. Until then, I'm working toward recovery. These are the top things that have helped me see a light in the darkness.