Know Thyself

Alright, I've gotten to a point where I can't listen to certain things anymore without putting a foot down and making sure that addicts are aware of the doom they are putting themselves under.

    Here are some examples I've heard recently from people on online groups and PASG meetings:

"I did it again, I looked up some things I shouldn't have. But I went to my bishop because I want to make sure I'm clean enough to rebaptize my dad next week..."

"My bishop said if I can refrain from masturbating for six weeks, we'll talk about me being rebaptized..."

"I've been having problems with masturbating when I get up lately, and I'm glad my bishop is letting me bless our baby this coming Sunday..."

"I have six months of sobriety (though I've had done close calls) and I'm not allowed to be married in the temple..."

"I acted out last week, so I went to the temple yesterday and felt sooo much peace..."

A part of me knows where you're coming from. I've been there done that. I wish I could go back in time and strike myself down on several occasions.

   After hearing these kinds of statements I think, "Why would a bishop ever say that or allow him/her to do that? Why does that feel a little bit off to me?"

      There are a number of reasons why bishops give this false information out to us. I call it false because if they knew everything about addiction and addicts and how our insanity works, they'd never say these things.

First things first. If you've ever said one of these statements, chances are you lied to your bishop or stake president. You either outright lied, -"I don't look at porn or masturbate anymore"- OR you minimized. -"I haven't acted out in six months!" When actually it's been 3 weeks- either way these are both NOT truth. So you are partly to blame for your bishops decisions.

Second, I might get A Lot of flak on this..... (BECAUSE THESE ARE BOMBS THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!)

Don't trust your bishop to know what to do.

BOOM....

Your bishop CANNOT help you with addiction unless he is a trained and licensed professional therapist.

BOOM...

Your bishop doesn't know when you are in recovery.

BOOM....

Are you still alive? Are you ready to kill me? Burn me at the stake. (Or stake center) haha.

     Can I at least tell you why first?

      I'm not saying your bishop is the bad guy. I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to his counsel. I'm sure he has great advice and spiritual insight. I agree that he is a Judge in Israel and is God's guide to helping you work through repentance from sin.

     And while acting out in addiction is a sin, having an addiction is something else entirely.

     In fact, 95% of the time, if not 98%, your bishop has NO CLUE about addiction. It's not their fault. They are not qualified and God has not qualified them to do that. He's qualified to take care of the members of his ward, help them with their repentance process and give them support and counsel.

    Most bishops have normal jobs. Some of them are contractors, bankers, teachers, and businessmen. They are human, they are men, fathers, husbands -- they are not therapists. Most know little about addiction and insanity. A really good bishop will recognize this and give you advice based on his knowledge from life and books he's read, and then get you to see a therapist or others who know more about it than he does.

       I've heard of bishops who say, "just stop."

      "Your husband is hurting and needs you"

      "You need to be more physically intimate with your husband"

     "You are not an addict"

     "Just wanting to change means you're in recovery"

These are examples of suggestions some bishops say that make no sense or do not apply to addicts.

Okay, I'll back off of bishops for the moment. In fact, most of my life I've had awesome inspired bishops that I've loved.

    

         So it comes down to this, are you really worthy to bless your baby if you've been acting out all week? Are you really worthy to enter the temple if you've looked at pornography and masturbated or fantasized about sex any time recently? Are you really worthy to give blessings, baptize, and stand in holy places if you are not holy?

       

          Doing these things just because a bishop (no matter how awesome he is) says you're ready when you really aren't, doesn't make you ready. And it doesn't make you blameless. In fact, because you know better, your blame is intensified. There is no get out of jail free card.

      You are accountable for opening your mouth as well as for closing it. If your bishop gives you false information, it is not only your responsibility to not go through with it, but it is also your responsibility to tell him why. Bishops NEED our help in understanding what addiction is and what it does.

       For doing these things; going to the temple, blessing or baptizing others, partaking off the sacrament -unworthy- brings us under heavier condemnation. Why? Because we aren't sober. We aren't being honest. And it buries us further in our shame and misery. It destroys not only us, but the trust and hope of our loved ones.

      If we were really sober, we wouldn't be hiding. We wouldn't be doing these things to "look" the part to everyone else around us. We'd be hearing that guilt inside is direct us to a better future.

Blame and the Search for Control

I think that the whole "men are just wired that way" is a myth. . 

In fact, my wife and I were just talking about it, and I don't think we are "wired" for visual or emotional input more than the other. I think many many generations of time of fathers teaching sons has led us to feel wired that way, or more pre-dispoded to it. Same with mothers to daughters. When I think about it, I don't see Adam that way. I don't see Jesus that way.

Even if that were the case, that gives no credence to letting myself LOOK at the visual sensory input if it's bad for me.

One of the most concrete and important laws of eternity are: I have agency. I have a choice. God cannot subvert or take away my agency. In fact, even if I beg and plead with God to take my agency and MAKE me do his will, he cannot. There is NO WAY God can take my agency and him still be God. In fact, this law is SO SO important, that there was a WAR in heaven. It was sooo important that God, who loves me and you sooo much, that he would let 1/3rd of ALL his children choose not to come here and follow the plan.

To say, "I'm just a guy and that's what I do," is complete and utter BULL SHNIKIES. We were not designed to be controlled. God made us that we might be "agents unto [our]selves". Meaning that we are in control of our own lives, bodies, Destiny.

Women (most at least) don't read romance novels and soap operas and act out to them and get addicted to them and say, "I'm just a woman. I'm programmed that way." Maybe they do and I just never hear it. Maybe there are as many addicts to that stuff as we (men) are to porn and the like. I know I'm addicted to sex in the written word.

We keep wanting to have control, but then when we make mistakes blame it on something else. The bad thing about blame is we can't learn from those experiences. It's like that quote: "those who don't study history are bound to repeat it"? I can't remember if those are the specific words, but this is certainly true for addiction. Blame is blocking our view of what really happened. And if we don't see what really happened, we are going to do it again.

When I say, "I'm just wired that way." I'm blaming something else, even though that blame is still falling on me.

"I did it because my wife won't sleep with me enough."
"I did it because I don't see anything wrong with it."
"I did it because I was really tired and not thinking clearly."
"Satan tempted me."
"It can be very healthy."

All these things are excuses. We don't want to admit that we gave up control. And if we are not in control of ourselves then we are not fit for the kingdom of God.

"But Anoni Mouse, we have to give up our control to God! Saying that us lacking control is bad is a contradicting thing to say!"

Is it?

Think of it this way, I don't have control over my addiction. It has control over me. It controls my body. I gave it control. And we know that addiction will not ever give the control back. The price must be paid. I am acted upon by my addiction.

I can't get the control back from the addiction, therefore I have to give my control to a third party. God. But the addiction will only give God control if God gives the addiction what the addiction wants. Suffering. Depression. Death.

Jesus pays for the control. How? How can he pay for the control when what the addiction is asking for is all of my life? Because Christ can suffer a life time and still be alive. How? Because he's never sinned.

So now that God has paid for the control, guess what? Does he keep it? No, he can't. If he did he would cease to be God. Since God can't keep it and doesn't want it, he gives it back to us and essentially says, "I'll help you manage your control. You focus on controlling ONLY the things you can control, and I'll do the rest until you come to a point in your RECOVERY (not sobriety) where we will review the things you can control and you can take on more control."

God helps us control what we cannot. If I'm submissive to God and am only controlling what I can, when something happens that's outside of my control, whether it be finding a porn magazine or having someone we've had an affair with suddenly call us or email us, or whatever it may be, God gives us the ability to be a godly man for a few minutes or a lifetime, to get out of the situation we would never get out of ourselves.

Remember God wants us to have complete control of ourselves. COMPLETE.

If we decide to take full control before we can manage control, guess what? Jesus stops paying the addiction and since we've already made a binding contract with the addiction, we have to start paying the price again. Bummer for us.

What can an addict control? This may be variable. And it also means we have to look at our own histories, which we can't do if we're blaming.

-He can control what he reads.

When you look at your history, what do you notice? Have you started reading a book and when you happened upon a sex scene and were triggered did you keep reading or stop? Did you act out on it (physically and/or mentally)? If you did any of these things, then  don't read those kinds of books.anything that might have bad stuff in it, just don't read it.

-He can control what he looks at.

Can you watch TV and not be triggered and not act out? (physically and/or mentally) Are there specific channels that are definitely safe? If by looking at your history; watching a specific channel or commercials is triggering and you act out, then stop watching them. Don't watch anything close to your addiction. Does it suck? Sure. But do you want to give up avg eternity of joy and happiness for a "really cool" movie with good graphics, a "great" storyline, and just a little bit of nudity?

Can you go online alone for any reason (even work) and not feel triggered or excitement to lust or fantasize? If you view your history and can't, (and lust addicts can't btw) then don't go online alone! Only go online when your wife is in the room. If you can't even then, don't go on at all.

-He can control his actions with others

Can you talk to members of the opposite sex and not feel triggered or lustful or put in an altered state (i.e. NOT reality). If you view your history and can't, BE RUDE. Don't meet their eyes, don't hold the door open for them, give them the shortest answers possible. GET AWAY FROM THEM.

-He can control his thoughts

Can you think about sex and not feel triggered or lustful? If you view your history and can't, (oh and no lust addict can btw) then DON'T. Don't even go there! Don't think about the "what ifs" "i wonders" "would haves" and "could haves". Oh and the "I wishes" too. Don't do fantasy. Don't wait for reality to be as good as fantasy because it won't ever be as good as fantasy. In fantasy we make the rules. Guess what, even God has to obey the rules that are already in place.

Hmmm....this sounds alot like Mosiah chapter 4. Something about watching our thoughts words and deeds.

"But Anoni, my JOB is with computers! I HAVE TO be online!"

Can you do your job and not look at porn or view anything with sexual or self stimulus intent?

"Yes. I can decide right now to change."

What does history tell you about yourself.

"Well I haven't been able to in the past."

Then you don't have control. Find a new job.

"I can't just drop my job and look for something else! This is what I went to school for! I can't start over! We'll be out on the streets!"

What did Jesus say to the rich kid? "Give up all that thou hast, come and follow me." Or something like that? 

It's more possible for the Titanic to rise up out of the ocean, mend itself together, brake out all the artifacts from museums all over the world, destroy every copy of James Camren's Titanic movie, and fit through the eye of a microscopic needle than it is for a porn addict to gain recovery (exaltation, forgiveness) while having unrestricted unsupervised internet access. Or Unrestricted thoughts. Or unrestricted actions. Or unrestricted sight. Or unrestricted actions.

I'm sure God cares more about your recovery than your job. No matter how disastrous employment looks.

"I can't get away from it, it's part of my work." Is blaming.

Good will provide.

I'm preaching to myself every time I post. These are all things I need to work on myself. God doesn't care so much about my degree or how much money I have or exactly how I care for and provide for my family. If I do what I can, he'll take care of me and my family, no matter what.