When Do I Relapse? Part 2

I have been thinking about the question, when do I start my sobriety date over? If not being vulnerable and sharing my feelings is considered to be a relapse, do I need to start my sobriety date over? If I've looked at anything with the intent to seek stimulus, i.e. porn, bikinis, brazillian butt lift infomercials, etc. ANYTHING WITH THE INTENT TO SEEK STIMULUS. I was going to say self stimulus, but I started looking stuff up before on how to stimulate my wife, which is also wrong. ANY FORM OF SEEKING STIMULUS other than sex with wife (and even then it shouldn't be for self-stimulus sake) yeah, you relapsed, I relapsed and need to change my sobriety date. Even if I wasn't "intentionally" looking for it, but found it and looked at it for awhile and then exited. It's still a relapse.
     But as far as when do I need to set my sobriety date if I haven't been vulnerable and open and emotional with my wife, Honestly I this is an interesting question. I would like to say, "do what you think is right," but in complete honesty, us addicts think anything that helps us hide and isolate is right. haha.
     So I think what needs to happen in this case, is to come clean to your spouse. Tell her how you've been feeling if you haven't talked to her in a long time. Let her know how close you've come to acting out. It may not be that far. Maybe fantasy ideas just pop into your head more often than usual because you aren't feeling in sync with reality. These fantasy suggestions are always going to come if we don't share our feelings. And these fantasy suggestions will turn into fantasy thoughts, and these fantasy thoughts are going to warp reality, and our warped reality is going to build our resentments, and our resentments are going to help us isolate, and our isolation will help us look for visual stimulus to go along with our fantasy stimulus, and then we will physically act out.
    Guys always talk about how you should discuss with your sponsor before you tell your wife whatever you have to tell her. I think this is BS. Tell your wife what she wants to know, because I know my wife is going to find out either way, but isn't it better to tell her how I'm feeling as apposed to already screwing up completely and then telling her? Heck yeah.
     So what I think is the best bet, since I'm the addict and my perception of reality is completely FUBAR, I need to tell my wife how I've been feeling for the past however long I haven't been vulnerable and open with her, and tell her the affects of how this emotional isolation has affected me. Has it made me resentful, has it made these fantasy suggestions more prevalent in my mind, and then let her know that since I'm afraid to trust my own judgement, would she be able to help me decide if I need to start my sobriety date over?
    I can see a lot of guys being scared of this. A lot of us assume that our wives secretly hate us and think we are doing a lot worse that WE think we really are. If I am honest and open with myself, my wife is usually a better judge of my sobriety than I am. Guaranteed. As much as it hurts me to admit that, it's true. I'm sure there MAY be in some cases a wife who is completely off in that respect, and even as I say this I can imagine many of us addicts nodding and saying that OUR wife is the lunatic. Either way, does it really matter?
    Here's what I've been thinking. WHO CARES ABOUT CHANGING A SOBRIETY DATE? I mean, all of us addicts do. We like to hold it as a badge of honor. But really, what's the honor in it? We've already jacked up our family. We've destroyed everything. What's a month of a year of sobriety going to do that 20+ years of destruction hasn't undone?
     Like I've stated previously, its all about a change in behavior. If you talk with your wife, and she thinks you should change your sobriety date, is that a bad thing? Does that mean that you AREN'T a good person or changing or learning? No, it means that a date is changed and the number of days of sobriety you have are changed. Is that important? And if it is important? Ask yourself WHY? Why is holding a sobriety date so important? "Because it shows how much time I have away from acting out in my addiction!" Yeah, but in all honesty, you can go a year without acting out, or two, or three, or five, but if you eventually come back around to your addiction, that "sobriety" that was held in between doesn't really matter. It just means that the addiction cycle was still working within you. Behavior change shows true sobriety which is headed toward recovery.
     And think of it, how awesome is your wife going to feel when first you actually open up and be vulnerable to her, and then along with that, ask for her advice? Yeah she's still upset that you haven't shared yourself with her, yeah she might be mad about whatever actions you took in heading toward your addiction, but when you come to her you are showing her that you made a mistake and that you can't fix it on your own and that you know that you need consequences.
     As I write this I think of all the excuses I want to make for myself, "but I want to be a sponsor! If I set my sobriety date back, I wont be able to do that!" So? The more time in sobriety you have, the better sponsor you will be. And if I'm so desirous to be a sponsor? Why? is that because I want to feel good? Or because I want to help others. And if I want to help others, shouldn't I wait to be sure I'm actually on the road to recovery, so I'm not the blind leading the blind?
     "But you don't understand! My wife really doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety, She hates me!" So? If you don't trust your wife and think she hates you why are you working on your marriage? If she is SO against you, why stay with her? Whereas if you love your wife, and she "doesn't get where I'm at in sobriety" wouldn't asking her for help in deciding your sobriety date help heal that wound?
    And for those of you working the 90 day program, i don't know how any of what I've ever said would fit in for you. I don't believe in the 90 day program so I'm not trying to fit anything into that structured thing.
   Also, tell your sponsor. Discuss it with them too. Maybe get their input and bring that to your wife as well. Maybe that will help her have a better basis for helping you. I'm still learning this all too.
   So I'd say, when it comes down to not sharing your feelings and vulnerability for any amount of time over 24 hours, talk about it with your wife. Let her into your world and let her help. She really does love you and WANTS to help you. And if you aren't married, or aren't in a position to be able to talk with your wife right now, talk to a Sponsor and other men with years of sobriety. Not guys that are in the same place you are. Anyways, I hope the best for all of you!