I just needed to let you know. over the past couple months, I relapsed. I looked at some things I shouldn't have, on google maps of all places. I lied to my wife. she found out today. what a wonderful Christmas present I've given her. I am an a******. I am a lie. I destroy everything I touch. so my wife and I are separating tomorrow. the sad thing is that once again, it wasn't that I looked anything up, it was that I lied about it. all I had to do was tell her the truth. let that be a lesson to the rest of you.
I am praying for your precious wife . So sad. And for you . :((
ReplyDeleteI came across this post today. I am a wife of a recovering sex addict. I am not sure that a relapse is a reason to separate. The reason you lie to your wife is you are afraid.. She is not safe to tell about the relapse. My husband had lied all our marriage because of fear.
ReplyDeleteWe spent 20 years in this mess, 2 disfelowshipments, and eventually prostitution with many women. This is not to add any "poor me" but to hopefully show that there is hope. I feel that are some important crucial things that must be in place.
1. individual therapy(couples therapy in optional- individual healthy - marriage healthy). Plan on 3-5 years of therapy to actually achieve the brain change both spouses need.
2. 12 Step for men, optional for women
3. Friends for both but especially the en to bear her soul to. Someone safe.
4. Don't separate residents. Sleep in separate rooms for a while till she feels safe again.
5. Medication- don't be afraid of our lds stigma on medication.
6. Practice "MINDFULNESS" do a google search and you may find local classes. I recommend you find a good teacher- MBSR is an 8 week course
Those are my best helps for me. Also know that your thinking is never healthy when you are in the mess. This is for both of you. The church has damaged me as a woman by it lingo and it damages men as well. I am just tired of the suffering and broken homes from what the church says we should. do.. You have to have professional help. I actually caution geting help from bishops. They are not experienced and after 100's of visits, I have deemed them incompetent for these issues. Minimize visits to bishop but for initial repentance. You don't need to confess every relapse. That is what a good therapist will help most.
You didn't hurt your wife. You are only hurting yourself. If she is choosing to take your relapse personally that is on her. you don't have to own it. We are imperfect people and if you thinks perfection is the only way, she is just like me. The only lesson you need to learn from this is that you lie because you are afraid of her. She is not safe to talk to. I understand because why would an lds wife have any ability to listen to her husband's mess-ups. The more you beat yourself up the greater the brain wiring to "I am not good enough" thinking.
I am not sure the lds stance is even healthy anymore and only making it worse. I have a son who is on the same "shame" path. It is not so black and white. Your wife can say, "When I catch you lying to me, I feel my heart breaking, I need you to be honest with me about your addiction. Can you please disclose to when it happens?"
You can then have a choice (called non-voilent communication). You can tell her that when I talk about my relapses I am told how horrible i am (or what is actually happening at the time), I am not safe to talk to you due to your criticizing and showing contempt abouts my relapes, I need too feel a safe when i am sharing subjects that i know are difficult for you. Can you please provide safety when I am sharing and not take it personally?(remember this is yours to own and not hers) if no then you need to have a boundry that it will only be shared during therapy. You need a safe place. it is not about you and it is not about her. It is about you each owning your own lives. So hard in our lds culture.
I recommend that sexuality is NOT bad. The fact that you had sexual desires is NOT wrong. The fact that your wife is sexually represssed is NOT good (I am working on that in my life right now- http://www.finlayson-fife.com/upcoming-live-online-courses-womens-sexuality/)
The church does not have the tools to heal from the battle wounds but only the repentance process. For your wife included. Please give her this comment as well. Life does not have to be so hard over these issues. That is the magic of healing from the inside - out. Sending hope your way. Sue from Texas
Whoa there Sue, a wife expecting honesty from her husband is NOT sexual repression. Nor can you say that lies don't hurt a wife. Speaking from experience, I can say that of all the things my ex-husband did, (including multiple affairs) the lies absolutely hurt the worst. I am not sure why you feel you can give this man or his wife advice about what is or isn't a reason to separate. It may have been a mutual decision, or she may have asked him to go as a boundary for the dishonesty. Either way, you don't know the details.
DeleteI agree 100% that the lies are the worst. I was not wanting to compare experiences but I have not been on recovery blogs for over a year. I think your husbands was at the top. I was actually looking for a friend who was in my ward and her blog. I don't know all the details of your story and your husband's level of commitment toward recovery. I noticed in his writing the level of shame he was putting upon himself and that is so harming to brain rewiring and prefrontal cortex health. The distortions he put on himself of "destroy EVERYTHING I touch". I had been lied to for 18 years. I would go into a panic with every lie. With therapy I learned one of the main reasons people lie is FEAR! I would say also habit is another one but it started with fear. I don't equate honesty with sexual repression. I am just saying most wives of addicts are sexually repressed due to our own unhealthy stress, fear, and unfaithfulness in the world of sexuality. I don't know about you but I could walk into a grocery store and see someone dressed immodest and my heart rate would increase if my husband was next too me.
DeleteLies do hurt a wife only if she is a victim to his lies. I used to be that way. I now see that he is hurting himeslf more. Let him own his lies. It is so freeing to let go of the control regarding the lies. As I let go of the control and fear of the lies, it gave him the room to grow up to honesty because overtime he realized I was safe to talk to. I just stopped trying to catch any lie.
I just learned to love myself, take care of myself, honor my womanhood. I learned to be ME. I really didn't worry about him anymore. The therapist knew what was healthy for him and just trust he is guiding him there. I only had to be a wife. If I was safe, sex was a part of our marriage. It was never about punishment but about intimacy and connection. It became a simple boundry that was movable depending on each moment. If he lied obviously the safety decreased but it was his problem and not mine. I didn't have to punish him but it was his problem to own and not be beat up my me. I would say from what you husband wrote that he is good at beating himself up. He does not need that from his wife to. The lies stop hurting the worst when you are no longer codependent on his "perfection" for your happiness
I would say from his small post that he does not want to leave you. I don't like ultimatum boundaries. If you are committed to the relationship the boundaries I learned in therapy are very moveable. Yes, leave if you need to but this does not seem like a mountain to run from. He is not having an affair right now. It seems you are waiting for the next thing to run away from the pain in your own heart. I know because I have been there and i still have triggers that send me into what my therapist describes as the "control and release". The more we control or something controls us we have a greater release. This usually means pushing away those that we have controlled or controlled us. (i.e spouse).
ReplyDeleteI have been lied to thousands of times, my husband has been with 40 plus women, strip clubs, alcohol, $20,000 spent on his sex addiction, porn use since he was 12 and eventually became a daily and many hour a day addiction taking from the family financially. Why didn't I leave? I was afraid to leave for kids. I was afraid to leave because bishops and stake presidents encouraged me to stay. leave if you want but like my therapist said. If you leave "leave well' and if you stay "stay well". It is NOT about your husband getting better or not sinning. It is about YOU getting healthy. I only am so tired of all the suffering. You don't have to suffer because of his actions any longer. Yes, it does have victims but you don't have to be a victim any longer. It is so wonderful and freeing. That is the only message I want to share is the hope and happiness I have regardless of what my husband does or says. I only see you are suffering and your husband id suffering. You each need to find happiness and healing. Then decide if the marriage is worth staying in once you both have done the things listed above. If money is an issue. Get a credit card and pay for it. We are in debt for our therpy at $400 a month but it is the greatest money ever spent. Shop around till you find one. We go to the same therapist but we do individual therapy and rarely couple therapy. Lies hurt, porn and infidelity hurts, life hurts, feel the pain. Cry and write about it but know that you are not a victim to the lies, the porn, or the affair when you are able to cry and then say to your husband, "wow you life has been hard to, I see that those things have cause you an immense amount of suffering. I see that you think so little of yourself that to ease pain those things were your medication." You can then take him in your arms and say, "Tell me about your pain, your suffering". The porn, women, lies are all just his way of medicating something deeper. It usually has nothing to do with you but only afraid of hurting you. It is hard to separate that and I lived with that for 18 years until I learned in therapy there is a better way of living whether I left of I stayed. So glad I stayed. I am a better wife and mother now that i am not afraid or controllling. I actually have a life. These things now are little dragons on the other side of the room but there are triggers that pop them back into the front. The therapist will help me work through them. Christmas is a trigger for me. To many bad Christmases. I do feel hope and I don't post on recovery blogs but your husbands words went to my heart and I could see his suffering beneath those words. I know the tools needed to get well are what I put in the post above. After suffering 18 years, I desperately called a therapist who has saved my life and given me life. That is the power of professional help (kind of like doctors, search until find the right fit - money is not to be an issue) Just a fellow traveler wanting to end suffering. Merry christmas. ( www.womanoffaithinchrist.blogspot.com )
Wow that was long....I don't understand your individual story but I do understand the process.
I am glad you can see this addicts suffering , but wow do you NOT know details ! None of us do except these two amazing people . Your judgement of her is unfounded and in my unsolicited opinion OFF. She is one of the most compassionate , strong , smart , hopeful , mother and wife I know. This is not about spanking a bad boy with a consequence. It is protecting her children from the natural, unavoidable character defects that comes from a parent given over to lust . To downplay lust hits or ...whatever compared to an affair is a low blow. Kicking her while she's down is not helping him either . I am frankly appalled . In all honesty I hope Anoni Mouse edits this whole unhelpful chain of comments.
DeleteI don't mean to add more fuel to the fire, or to cause any more contention.
ReplyDeletei knew what the consequences to my actions would be before hand. this was no surprise for me.
i appreciate your concern and help, and i agree that sometimes the views of the church have a way of being interpreted by my broken brain in the wrong way. but i did it. i pulled the trigger so to speak.
i understand that in some aspects of life, our actions seem to hurt others when in reality we did nothing to hurt that person or persons. but i believe this is not one of those times. i decided to play with a live grenade. i decided to pull the pin on that grenade, knowing it was fully capable of killing everyone. but i somehow thought that i could hold onto that grenade, thinking i could put the pin back in before it exploded.
well it exploded and my house is in shambles. and the sad thing is, i didn't learn the first time i played with a live grenade.
should my wife accept my sorrow for getting caught (AGAIN) and let me stay(AGAIN) when experience has shown that i will play with yet another grenade? If she let me stay, and my kids got more damaged and hurt, wouldn't then some of the fault be hers?
i am the lier, the manipulator, the deceiver in this relationship. I'm the coward. because if i really loved my family, i would have recognized that i was too dangerous for them, and i should have made the decision to leave before hand.
like i said. we talked about these boundaries beforehand and i even agreed that they were acceptable. i agree that i am not safe enough to stay in the home.
Well said, Anoni Mouse! Your honesty is hopeful.
DeleteAmen . And thank you for adding that . Way to begin rebuilding your life.
ReplyDeletealso i forgot to add, my fear of telling the truth has no basis on my wife. she is not mean and vindictive. My fear of telling the truth comes from past traumatic experiences growing up in a fear governed home. telling the truth only brought punishment. lying and being caught brought the same punishment. but lying and getting away with did not being punishment. it brought what i thought was safety. i haven't been to enough therapy to work through it all yet. but it does help me realize exactly what the next thing i need to work on with my therapist is.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I appreciate your honesty.
DeleteOh and my last response on why i lie does not make it okay for me to lie. it isn't an excuse.
ReplyDeleteWoman of faith in Christ, Im so sorry you've had to endure this hell too. Betrayal trauma is beyond the worst thing I've ever experienced. I'm sorry your going through it :(
ReplyDeleteI don't personally know you, but I can't help but love you anyway.
If you ever want a friend who understands, I'm here :)
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