For some reason, being an addict helps me have great expectations. I don't know why because my expectations are always ridiculously high. I had a sponsor tell me that "expectations are just resentments in disguise." Or something like that.
It's so true.
I know alot of it comes from the fact that I'm an addict, and one thing addiction does really well is distort reality.
I read in "out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes about a high up city official that was a sex addict. One night on the way home he stopped at a red light. He looked over at the lady in the car next to him just as she looked over at him. They smiled, a bit embarrassed, and looked forward again.
This guy was a little happier. She'd smiled at him. Maybe she liked him. The light turned green and they drive on, only to hit another red light, where they again looked at each other and laughed. This time he was sure she liked him. Why else was she driving at the same speed as him?
They drove on, still around the same speed, when he thought maybe she wanted him to follow her. She sped up and got in front of him and he was sure to stay behind her. She pulled over and gestured him forward. He pulled over and started to get out when she drove on.
The man "realized" she had been signaling him to follow her, so he did. He started thinking about where she was taking him. Was it to a hotel? Was it her place?
Finally she pulled over next to a building and jumped out and started running up the steps. He thought she probably didn't want anyone to see them together, that's why she was hurrying.
When he got out of his car and looked up at the building, he realized it was a police station! She hadn't been trying to get him to follow her, she'd been scared out of her mind and felt in danger.
This is one of the things pornography does to us. Living in fantasy distorts reality. It also gives us expectations of what life and everything else should do for us, including our wives.
Now pornography isn't the only thing. Religion played a big part in how i thought my wife should be. So did watching too many romance movies. (Why did i watch romance movies? Because girls liked romance movies and i thought that they'd think i was sooo cute for watching them...yeah...expectations.)
I've had lots of resentment towards my wife. I've had lots of resentment towards my dad, mom, family, strangers, bosses, co-workers, etc. I would just start getting angry at everyone. (Still do sometimes! I haven't conquered this.)
Took me long enough and some therapy to realize that my great expectations were indeed just resentments in the making. Why? Because NOTHING EVER LIVES UP TO FANTASY. Why? Because it's FANTASY! i.e. NOT REAL.
One day my therapist told me to list some of my wife's (mrs. Mouse) characteristics. Good and bad. I said this like:
smart
beautiful
attention to detail
inquisitive (this was good and bad haha)
always late
oblivious
anti-romantic
selfish, spiritual
exclusive of her feelings
etc.
(Remember I'm am addict. In reality my wife can be completely different.)
Then he asked, "give me the characteristics of what a wife SHOULD be like to you."
This was alot easier. Hadn't i been daydreaming about this most of my life? My list looked similar to this:
Beautiful
Caring
Supportive
Patient
Loving
Great sense of humor
Etc.
And then he asked, "which one of these is reality? Mrs. Mouse or your expectations?"
Well if course it was Mrs. Mouse. That was the problem! Then he asked, "I'm not saying mrs. Mouse didn't have character flaws to change, but who is really to blame when you feel resentful when mrs. Mouse didn't act like your expectations of your perfect wife?"
It was a good slap in the face.
You see, my resentments had grown and grown because my wife wasn't living up to my great expectations. She was mrs. Mouse, not fantasy mrs. Mouse. She would NEVER be fantasy mrs. Mouse. Why? Because fantasy mrs. Mouse wasn't real.
So these times i came home, for some reason thinking that my wife could keep the house clean with 4 kids under the age of 8, and have dinner ready and the clothes washed, and be in happy romantic spirits, was unrealistic? Was i preparing to spend an evening with my "dream" wife, and Mrs. Mouse shower up instead?
Yes, and in return i would punish my REAL wife with depression, resentment, silence, anger, and frustration. Why? Because she ruined the happy fantasy land i wanted to be in when she didn't act how i EXPECTED her to act.
I am the one ruining my own life. No one can ruin it for me.
So when i begin to feel resentment with my wife, or children, or family, or even friends, i have to stop and think, "okay, who or what an i expecting to take place? Am i expecting my daydream or reality? Kids aren't quite and they don't always listen and they always interrupt when I'm wanting to do something for myself. They don't vanish into nonexistence until i want to give them attention. My wife in reality; has her own personality and hobbies and things she likes to do and things she has to do. She isn't the fake imagining of my heart that is completely devoted to me and nothing else.
And what am i expecting of myself? What is the reality of me? And i patient, kind, and loving? A great husband and great father? No. I'm impatient, selfish, fearful, prone to irritation and annoyance. Do i expect myself to come home and be the happy husband that kisses his family and gives them his full attention, and then when i get home find resentment towards myself because i don't feel like i expect I'm supposed to feel? Yeah. I'm that guy. I'm the addict that wants to pretend to be the perfect husband and priesthood holder. The only difference is i can work on myself. I can't work on others.
Our expectations and reality are always at odds. Anyone who goes to Disneyland understands this. (I thought the castle would be a lot bigger) doesn't mean we all won't enjoy our time there. It just means we expected something different. For an addict we depend so much on our fantasy for emotional stability and when reality shows us how wrong we are, we resent the true.
It makes me think back on my whole life and the resentments i had for people. That had to manifest in how i interacted with people and that's something i didn't think about with step 4.
And these expectations can be negative too. When I'm feeling anxious or stressed, my world goes upside down. Mrs. Mouse turns into the wicked witch, whose only goal in life is to accuse, attack, and try and perform inception on me so that i kill myself with depression, thinking it was my idea when it's really hers. When I'm in that frame of mind SHE'S the addict and I'm the humble husband trying to recover. And my kids are secretly TRYING to destroy my life. No one likes me and everyone at church points at me behind my back and calls me filthy and unclean. (Even writing this I'm thinking, "well that probably IS true." Haha)
So what do we do? When that panic starts rolling in like a broken record playing scratchy noises, before we act on the resentment that our great expectations have turned into. Take a time out. Go into your bathroom, splash child water in your face, take deep breaths, look yourself in the mirror and say, "this has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. It's about me," and then tell your wife your having a panic attack. (Because that's what it is. The flight or fight response before we turn into the hulk and smash everything) call or text someone or someones. Vulnerability is the answer. Instead of trying to run from the impending doom, instead of attacking it with tooth and nail. Be vulnerable, fall down on your knees, bear your chest, and let it kill you. Don't run, don't fight. Let the truth of your feelings be known, and let yourself be run through, gutted, eviscerated, because that will always be better for us than being acted upon by the shock of failed expectations and resentments.
Death is better than picking up that sword if picking up that sword means there's the slightest tiniest chance of helping your addiction in any way.
Isn't it?
Friday, November 14, 2014
Great Expectations; Great Resentments
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YES!
ReplyDeleteThis post has triggers for me... but I am grateful you wrote it. Unresolved issues that haven't been addressed but resurface, most recently at my husbands retirement party. Had 30 years in so he could retire from that job but he's too young to really be retired so is now working harder than ever at another job, working many more hours, making much less an hour, but with his retirement from the other job we are managing. It has been a few years since he has done it but he used to speak very poorly of me to anyone that would listen. It has destroyed any hope of my having a good relationship with his family. Then his coworkers rarely had a chance to spend any significant amount of time getting to know me, so they all believed the cruel comments. My husband is a people pleaser so all they ever saw was the man who would do anything for THEM, never admitting to his faults, or addiction. People looked at me, unfairly judged me based on unreal expectations and sometimes lies, the few times I saw them. At his retirement party I was barely acknowledged. I contemplated even going, but what kind of wife doesn't go and support her husband at a time like that? (Probably not 1 that was so triggered for days before knowing it would not go well.) I chose to attend anyway. I've always tried to be the supportive, loyal wife. Right away 1 flirty woman came up to my husband and when it got really awkward he finally introduced me as his wife (she was a new employee that had never seen me before) then she just shook my hand and awkwardly walked off. No 1 else really addressed me or talked to me. He never thanked me for coming. He never pulled them aside and apologized for betraying me in such a cruel way and I NEVER had a chance to redeem myself. This is a really sensitive unresolved issue. I couldn't be THE FANTASY WIFE especially after him telling everyone at work all the things I was doing wrong or wasn't doing right. The depth of betrayal is devastating. He interacted in very inappropriate ways all day long with many women but wasn't treating me the way he had been them, but unrealistically expected me to respond to him in the same way that they all had. I only recently found out the severity of it because 1 of these women actually confronted me at the grocery store while my husband was standing right beside me. Talk about a jaw dropping, heart wrenching totally humiliating experience! I still have flashbacks and that 1 simple act of total humiliation has made way too much of an impact on me.(Because after this incident he finally admitted just how often he did this and how it rocked me to the core!) I HAVE TO go back and find a way to heal myself from that moment. My husband did and said nothing as she walked away laughing after her "attack" on me. He even ran into her 2 more times after and instead of finding a way to stick up for me, he walked away because he wasnt going to defend me. There are too many "layers" and triggers to the actions of the addict and the unforeseen consequences that continue to rear it's ugly head. Sorry for the long comment here. This needs addressing for true healing in our relationship. I just read my husband your blog post and his response was not what I needed. Sorry but this addiction can really suck and has so many hurtful and destructive behaviors that far surpass just the lust and self gratification aspects. So glad your therapist helped you understand how unrealistic your expectations were of your wife. Your wife is fortunate you have that awareness. Good luck with continuing to act more appropriately with her (and others) in the future. I admire your honesty and it made me realize I have some real work to do surrounding unreal expectations from the past that are still real resentments for myself and my husband (or he should have been able to at least truly apologize and attempt to make them right.)
ReplyDeletethat really sucks that your husband isn't supportive of you. i feel very sad about it. i think of all the times I've been a complete jerk to my wife and i feel like kicking my own butt. and I'm not in the clear yet. My first instinct is to please everyone else around me so that i can control the situation and feel safe. it doesn't make it right at all. i think all addicts are people pleasers. and I'm not justifying your husband. It's wrong. the fact that you are still with him even after all this says that you love him despite everything and want it to work out.
ReplyDeletehave you ever read the book Boundaries? I'd take a look at it if i were you and see what you think. because you need support and you need to feel safe. and i don't know if your husband is physically abusive, and i don't know what you do in these situations when people confront you about how "bad" you are, but i think you should stick up for yourself and who you are. and who you are living with. if you see that woman again and she says something, say straight up, " did he also tell youthat he's a porn addict and a liar?" say it with no animosity (if possible). sayit with the hurt and pain that you feel. who cares if they believe you or not. i don't knowif I'd go tell everyone without them targeting you to your face, but that's up to you and God. don't stay silent when accused (if you do). his actions have consequences and he needs to feel those consequences, not you. but like i said, if you feel like doingthis will endanger you or your children (if you have them) then i don't know. I'd get out if that were the case. thank you for sharing. I'm sorry forwhat you are going through. if you have any questions or anything. feel free tosendthen my way andi will dowhat i can. Or refer you to someone who can.
Also, I was just reading this article:
ReplyDeletehttp://rowboatandmarbles.org/myths-about-sex-addict-impact-on-spouse.html
And one of the parts in it made me think of your comment. I copied and pasted it below:
3. You need to keep the secret.
“You shouldn’t tell your friend/clergy/family member. That would betray your husband’s confidence.”
“It’s his secret, you don’t have the right to share it.”
“Telling people would shame the family.”
“We keep these things ‘in house’”.
When your husband brought addiction into your marriage, he made it your secret too. And that secret brought pain and trauma into your life. Trauma that can be healed from. But, it is a burden so intense and deep that it is usually unmanageable when tried to handle alone. We don’t have to suffer in silence and isolation. There are forums and support groups, blogs and group therapies filled with women who are supporting each other as they heal from this trial. Reach out and allow others to support you and help you heal. My life is filled with strong, loving, capable people who love me and I would be foolish and judgmental to think that they can’t be trusted with this trial in my life. That doesn’t mean that I should tell everyone I meet but it does mean that the Lord will place the people in my path that can be the most support to me and He will tell me who they are if I but ask Him. A safe person is non judgmental, respectful and won’t betray your trust. Ask the Lord who is safe for you.
Thank you for all the supportive comments and suggestions. I have been shamed so many times for reaching out that that is scarey....My own mother shamed me for speaking out after I was shocked and devastated (26 years ago) when I found out about my husbands 1st affair. I have not had much luck with bishops or stake presidents either. Unfortunately I have a hard time trusting other women because my husband has had several affairs. I have been to a few meetings and I think I feel more comfortable attending with the addicts(General addictions, not only porn addicts) than I do with the women. (Probably hard to relate to me there, but the last time I thought I had made a new best friend in the ward, she tried tearing apart my family and wanted my husband.) My husband had more of a lust, masturbation and acting out addiction than a porn addiction. Had many affairs, some lasted years & years but rarely got "too physical" and he was always lucky and something happened the times it was getting to that point. (For a brief time I almost wished he had committed adultery and the bishops would have taken his "little problem" with women more seriously and I wouldn't have been so ignored! ) I have an 18 year old son who is a senior in high school, that is addicted to porn but is working hard to overcome so he can go on a mission. I want to help but he gets mad and accuses me of assuming he is doing terrible if I bring it up. I fought hard to get him to the 12 step program. He said he felt too stupid they were all much older men and he works every night after school. My youngest daughter has now confided in me her new husband is addicted to porn as well. I am really feeling the weight of this and never had the love and support I needed and now I'm feeling very inadequate to help my loved ones. My husband hasn't really acted out for a few years, but hasn't really worked on any real recovery either. Just finally realized all those other women were just "women" too. We were making real progress in our relationship until his widowed father remarried a difficult woman and my husband finally got tired of always catering to his dad's every want and need and has quit speaking to him all together, and our oldest daughter married the "worthy priesthood holder" in the temple only to find out he's extremely controlling and verbally abusive so the last 2 years have been difficult with her back and forth MANY times with her now 1 year old son. The stress of others choices and drama has taken its toll and I am beyond exhausted and discouraged. Because of my poor experience with this bishop (& I won't get into that because I did sustain him when he was put in that position, but I don't trust him unfortunately) I have contemplated trying another ward until I feel braver and stronger. I have been told I can't work towards my temple recommend in another ward, that I can only do that in my own ward. Even Relief Society wasn't a very welcoming place. I do know I need to search for and find the right people to reach out to. It's not ok to be where I am and so afraid of everyone. I need trustworthy people to open up to and finally gain a real support system. (And in your 1st reply you mentioned physical abuse, which there has been some over the years, so that has played a factor in my need for recovery as well. It sounds lame but I have been wanting and needing my husband to have some willingness in his and my recovery. )I became inactive after the last humiliating experience with my bishop. I need faith, hope and to he able to trust. Every time I have reached out, if not the 1st time, not long after I am met with opposition and such heartwrenching challenges I shut down. I had heard of the book Boundaries and know I am codependent and need to read up more on that. Thank you for your kind and compassionate replies. They were very much appreciated. Your honesty is so refreshing! You seem to be doing well. May you continue forward in your recovery.
ReplyDeletei feel terrible for you. you aren't the first person I've talked to that has problems with their bishop. sometimes i get so frustrated with how some bishops take this situation. i know that they may be unprepared and they aren't counselors or therapists and are only able to deal with "spiritual" matters, but from what i hear i just want to smack some of them. have you tried writing the area authority? i heard of one lady who wrote to Henry B. Eyring after her stake president did nothing. a month later the stake president called her in for another interview. Eyring had contacted him and i guess set him straight. i don't know all the details. I've read codependency no more because i have alot of codependent tendencies. boundaries is more about putting up fences around your personal space so people don't trample your safety.
ReplyDeleteThat's terrible that the woman you began to trust tried to move in on your husband. it sounds like you've had misfortune after misfortune all while trying to do the right thing. and only to have a son have a problem with it and a daughter marry someone who has a problem with it. i know what you mean,it is definitely a lust addiction more than a pornography addiction. have YOU received therapy? from a psychologist that deals with trauma? Because YOU are important. YOU are of infinite with. YOU deserve to feel safe and secure. like we've talked about before, God wants YOU feeling safe and secure before he wants your marriage to stay intact. Just as he wants your husband to recover more than he wants your marriage to stay intact. God wants your son to recover more than he wants him to go on a mission, and God wants your daughter safe and secure more than he wants her marriage to stay intact. he really is all about the individual salvation. I'm sorry you haven't found anyone you can really trust. I'm sorry even your mom tried to hush you after the first time your husband brokethe his promises to you. it is hard to believe in a loving and compassionate God when you've had to deal with so much crap that wasn't your fault. when ever i hear stories of women or people that are going through or have gone through similar experiences i feel guilty for helping such tragedies. i might not have influenced anyone, but i supported the pornography monster by my actions, which in turn has brought more destruction on everyone else. I'm sorry for this. (and let me be sorry for it. It's good for me.) If there is any help i can provide i will.
Thank you for your kind words and support. It was very appreciated. Have a nice Thanksgiving with your family. ;) (I'm assuming you live in the U.S. Every once in awhile I come across blogs of people in other countries)
ReplyDeletethank you!!! i hope your Thanksgiving was well. Yes i live in the US. i never thought about it but you are right. i don't see many blogs from other countries.
ReplyDelete