Filtering vs Monitoring

Filters and monitoring programs, yeah, THOSE WILL SAVE US!!! Okay, not really.
   So filtering programs block adult content. This is good right? I don't need anything else right? All addicts love filtering programs. Why? Because they are a false sense of security.
   Don't get me wrong, they are very beneficial. Especially if you have everyone using the same computer. These programs can save the lives of your young ones who aren't searching out bad stuff. It can help keep the innocent, well, innocent. But in today's cyber world, pornography appears all over. Why? Because it's not always "pornography", it's "art". It's "instructional", it's "natural". It's objectified so much so that people think of it as objective.
   Ha. I can't remember where i heard it, but just recently i even heard someone say that all those nude historical statues were really just old time pornography. They were saying it as a joke, but i believe it.
   When we accept that we are addicts, we accept that the meaning of their word "pornography" takes on a whole new meaning. Before i was sober, (7 months coming up in 2 days, yaaaay!) Well, even before that, maybe when i just barely stopped lying to myself and began to accept i was an addict, i thought pornography was strictly x rated material. As stated, I'm an addict and insane, (and I'll come back to filtering programs vs. Monitoring programs) so on my computer, i had saved all kinds of "art" that i thought were "inspirational" and "awesome" pictures. I had art books full of the stuff. Comic books too. Heck, regular bookd that you read full of the stuff too. This, i assured myself, was not pornography. I think about it now and laugh because WOW, i am INSANE! To think that there was a difference is insanity.  What's even worse, is i would use it to act out! And still, it wasn't porn.

   Interestingly enough, most of those pictures i got from a website where people posted their "artwork". I EVEN WENT ON THE PROFILE SETTINGS AND CHANGED IT TO NOT SHOW MATURE CONTENT, and i still found stuff, which triggered me to switch settings and find it with less difficulty.
  In high school, the kids in some of my classes that had access to computers (in a school that had filtered routers and everything) found porn all the time. Was it harder to find? Sure. But since when has that stopped an addict? Addicts are the most motivated people i know when it comes to getting their drug of choice.
   The only way filters are going to help an addict is if they are REALLY working towards recovery.
   Now, monitoring programs. When my first counselor suggested this, i went along with it but didn't like it. Why did i need to be monitored? I just wouldn't go to bad sites! (More insanity: "Since i know I'm an addict I'll just stop") i felt like my rights were being taken away. Which, YEAH you know what? They were. They NEEDED to be. Why? Because I'm an addict and my choices led to consequences. Consequences that needed to be put into place.
   So the monitoring programs i had on my computer and phone recorded EVERYTHING i did. They recorded me when i looked up t-shirt designs and found immodest pictures. Sometimes those were enough. Sometimes it triggered me to the point of thinking, "maybe she just won't look at the monitoring program", or "maybe when she looks up the monitoring stuff she'll miss this stuff."
   Don't get me wrong, monitoring is huge, because if it's set with proper boundaries, you can't escape. If my wife said, "if i find stuff that you looked at through the monitoring program, then you must leave this house," it would keep me from looking up stuff. 
   Now do you put one on your spouse's computer without them knowing? This is tough. My counselor told us that we should make the decision together. But what happens when the spouse says no? I say, first, ask. And here's a big indicator, if your spouse refuses, they are looking at or satisfying their lust in some way on their online devise.
   Of course, it's easy to say this next part, but something entirely different to go through with it. Because you live your spouse and you want, or at least wanted, to spend the rest of your eternal life with them. So, if they disagree, if you're spouse won't let you put a monitoring program on their internet accessible device, they are not working toward recovery and you need to decide if you want them to continue destroying your's and your children's lives. (If you have children). I'd say is time to separate.
   If you decide to put one on without their knowing, (which i suggest if they refuse and you don't make them leave) realize that you need to for the safety of you and yours. How many times did my wife feel unsafe with me in the house, and i denied all, but when she checked she found out she wasn't crazy and i had been lying about my activities.
   Lastly, why use the computer if you can help it? I don't go online when my wife isn't at home. Firstly, she alone has the password. Secondly, i am not strong enough. If i get online alone, i WILL look at lustful stuff and i WILL act out. Maybe someday that won't be the case, but I'm not counting on it. I can't surf the web. I can't check out even the "clean" websites. Even going online real fast while my wife is home and in the same room as me can be triggering.
   I've heard it said that it's all in the mind anyway. It doesn't matter if you've got the world wide web or not. I've even been told that the chances of me acting out if I'm happy and in a good mood while i go online are very very slim. And there is truth to them. Yeah, it's in my head, but I'm insane, and i can be as chipper as a sea turtle and in a completely right frame of mind, and just ONE image can destroy me. Heck, it doesn't even have to be a bad image, i can just mistake something for a bad image (which happens often because I'm an addict) and I'm triggered.
   Working toward recovery isn't easy. It sucks. There's alot i can't do. But kind of like fasting, sometime you need to take a step back, (or a billion) and go without something for awhile, so that when it comes before you once again, you can see it clearly.
   Surfing the web for me, is a death trap. Sure i want a cool computer and a tablet and the latest phone, but they are death traps for me.
   Is it embarrassing when people at my work ask if i got that one email, or friends ask if i saw that one video, or somebody asks me to look something up, and i can't because i don't go online and if i check my email, my wife is close at hand? Yeah, it's embarrassing. But not so much anymore, because i am being born again and finding out that i have an identity and can defend it openly.
   So the next time you feel like life sucks because you can't go online or because your every move is monitored, or because you feel interrogated, know that it's better than dying alone in a home full of internet access and pornography and misery and woe.