Tuesday, June 10, 2014
The Transformers Daydream...
I like the Transformers movie. It's funny. It's entertaining. But I've begun to realize that my daydreams were basically the Transformers movie repeated in various ways that ended up turning more and more sexual.
The Transformers movie is about a kid that isn't doing much to improve his life. As far as we know his only goal is to have sex with girls that look like they are from adult magazines.
All this crazy stuff happens to him, robot aliens try to kill him, and he's somehow forced to gain some sense of honor and truth and in turn he gets the porn star girlfriend that REALLY and truly "loves" him because...Well, because of all these good qualities he has that we haven't seen in the movie but are sure these qualities exist.
That's how my daydreams roll. I start thinking, "what if terrorists decided to hold up this Wal-Mart?" Or, "what if I'm driving and this lady comes running up asking for help, i let her in and some dudes start chasing us with machine guns?" And if course in my daydreams I'm young and incredibly for and good looking. I go through these ordeals, and through the course of my daydream and fending off hordes of evil men to protect this beautiful woman, this woman I'm saving falls in love with me and me with her. We have sex and live happily ever after.
Sounds like most action movies right? So what is the consequence with this daydream besides that by the end i feel triggered? EVERYTHING.
Why am I daydreaming in the first place?
Why am I daydreaming? What is the point of the daydream? Most of the time? I'm feeling bored. Or I'm running from my feelings.
A part of it is definitely boredom and not wanting to deal with my job, that might not bring me accomplishment or satisfaction.
But mostly, Deep down i feel like crap. I feel guilty and ashamed. Why? Because of my addictive behaviors. I am living a lie and I'm destroying myself and those i love.
Definitely also, the negative belief that i carry with me. A big one for me is not feeling good enough. Not feeling of worth. And yeah, not feeling loved. I was raised in such a way to think that physical intimacy is what "love" is, and if someone doesn't give me that, then I'm not lived, thus i am not good enough.
How this usually sets in is this: I come home from work, and i want my wife's attention. Not intimate attention, just a hug, kiss, a noticeable desire to be connected. I DO NOT tell her this. But instead hope for get attention to fall upon me. It doesn't. It's not her fault, i haven't said anything otherwise, but i then start to feel sad, but since sad is "weak and childish" i turn it into resentment. resentment because she isn't giving me attention even though i never told her what i was feeling. So then i close off more to her. Then i go to bed depressed and wake up feeling like i didn't get enough sleep and so resent my day. Along the course of my day i make eye contact with a woman at a store or gas station. My lust submarine gets a ping. The lust muck fire in my brain gets a little fuel. I don't realize it, but I've just taken my 2nd step towards acting out. My 1st step was not telling my wife my feelings.
So I continue on. Make another eye connection, add in a smile. Maybe joke around with the pretty cashier or customer. All "innocent" actions right?
No. They aren't. I'm adding fuel to the fire. For some of us this should already be labeled acting out. For some of us these lust connections are acting out because they may be the point of no coming back.
I'm driving, shopping, etc. I begin to checking out the ladies. Then the daydream starts. "Innocent" at first? Not really but i claim it is because there isn't any "sex" involved at the start of the daydream.
By this point, if i have allowed myself to go into the daydream full throttle, I'm done. I don't need to physically act out because I'm doing it in my brain and its causing all the same responses.
What else do these simple "innocent" daydreams do? They make me feel underappreciated by my wife, kids, everyone. They cause me to doubt if i love my wife or want to be married because I'm treated so much better in my daydream and that's how real life is "supposed" to be. They make me hate my life because I'm not the hero and everything isn't going great, and i hate myself because i wish i had cool super powers or these amazing qualities that just so happen to burst out of me without any effort on my part, like my daydreams.
Daydreams kill me. When i first realized this (after reading "the ABC's of Porn Addiction") i started monitoring my thought process. And i kid you not, i tried to go into a daydream at most every 5 minutes. It was a constant assault and I had to focus on the present and sometimes it sucked, but hey, that's part of it.
Now days (not saying I'm in recovery or healed or anything) it's alot easier not to go into lala land. And i still have days where i feel barraged with great daydream ideas and i have to call up someone and talk it out. And sometimes right when i hang up the desires to daydream are right back again and i have to talk to more people.
And to think, most of this mess could have been dodged if i just had the courage to tell my wife that i wanted her attention. And i don't mean attention as like, sexual intimacy.
And yeah, my feeling the desire for my wife's attention could probably be related to me not feeling good about myself. But if I'm making the effort to talk and do the right thing, things are going to change for the better.
I like the Transformers movie. It's funny. It's entertaining. But I've begun to realize that my daydreams were basically the Transformers movie repeated in various ways that ended up turning more and more sexual.
The Transformers movie is about a kid that isn't doing much to improve his life. As far as we know his only goal is to have sex with girls that look like they are from adult magazines.
All this crazy stuff happens to him, robot aliens try to kill him, and he's somehow forced to gain some sense of honor and truth and in turn he gets the porn star girlfriend that REALLY and truly "loves" him because...Well, because of all these good qualities he has that we haven't seen in the movie but are sure these qualities exist.
That's how my daydreams roll. I start thinking, "what if terrorists decided to hold up this Wal-Mart?" Or, "what if I'm driving and this lady comes running up asking for help, i let her in and some dudes start chasing us with machine guns?" And if course in my daydreams I'm young and incredibly for and good looking. I go through these ordeals, and through the course of my daydream and fending off hordes of evil men to protect this beautiful woman, this woman I'm saving falls in love with me and me with her. We have sex and live happily ever after.
Sounds like most action movies right? So what is the consequence with this daydream besides that by the end i feel triggered? EVERYTHING.
Why am I daydreaming in the first place?
Why am I daydreaming? What is the point of the daydream? Most of the time? I'm feeling bored. Or I'm running from my feelings.
A part of it is definitely boredom and not wanting to deal with my job, that might not bring me accomplishment or satisfaction.
But mostly, Deep down i feel like crap. I feel guilty and ashamed. Why? Because of my addictive behaviors. I am living a lie and I'm destroying myself and those i love.
Definitely also, the negative belief that i carry with me. A big one for me is not feeling good enough. Not feeling of worth. And yeah, not feeling loved. I was raised in such a way to think that physical intimacy is what "love" is, and if someone doesn't give me that, then I'm not lived, thus i am not good enough.
How this usually sets in is this: I come home from work, and i want my wife's attention. Not intimate attention, just a hug, kiss, a noticeable desire to be connected. I DO NOT tell her this. But instead hope for get attention to fall upon me. It doesn't. It's not her fault, i haven't said anything otherwise, but i then start to feel sad, but since sad is "weak and childish" i turn it into resentment. resentment because she isn't giving me attention even though i never told her what i was feeling. So then i close off more to her. Then i go to bed depressed and wake up feeling like i didn't get enough sleep and so resent my day. Along the course of my day i make eye contact with a woman at a store or gas station. My lust submarine gets a ping. The lust muck fire in my brain gets a little fuel. I don't realize it, but I've just taken my 2nd step towards acting out. My 1st step was not telling my wife my feelings.
So I continue on. Make another eye connection, add in a smile. Maybe joke around with the pretty cashier or customer. All "innocent" actions right?
No. They aren't. I'm adding fuel to the fire. For some of us this should already be labeled acting out. For some of us these lust connections are acting out because they may be the point of no coming back.
I'm driving, shopping, etc. I begin to checking out the ladies. Then the daydream starts. "Innocent" at first? Not really but i claim it is because there isn't any "sex" involved at the start of the daydream.
By this point, if i have allowed myself to go into the daydream full throttle, I'm done. I don't need to physically act out because I'm doing it in my brain and its causing all the same responses.
What else do these simple "innocent" daydreams do? They make me feel underappreciated by my wife, kids, everyone. They cause me to doubt if i love my wife or want to be married because I'm treated so much better in my daydream and that's how real life is "supposed" to be. They make me hate my life because I'm not the hero and everything isn't going great, and i hate myself because i wish i had cool super powers or these amazing qualities that just so happen to burst out of me without any effort on my part, like my daydreams.
Daydreams kill me. When i first realized this (after reading "the ABC's of Porn Addiction") i started monitoring my thought process. And i kid you not, i tried to go into a daydream at most every 5 minutes. It was a constant assault and I had to focus on the present and sometimes it sucked, but hey, that's part of it.
Now days (not saying I'm in recovery or healed or anything) it's alot easier not to go into lala land. And i still have days where i feel barraged with great daydream ideas and i have to call up someone and talk it out. And sometimes right when i hang up the desires to daydream are right back again and i have to talk to more people.
And to think, most of this mess could have been dodged if i just had the courage to tell my wife that i wanted her attention. And i don't mean attention as like, sexual intimacy.
And yeah, my feeling the desire for my wife's attention could probably be related to me not feeling good about myself. But if I'm making the effort to talk and do the right thing, things are going to change for the better.
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