Thursday, May 29, 2014
I don't know how to bring this up without it being slightly awkward, or maybe even hurtful in a way, but i feel it needs to be said because, well, it needs to be said.
Let me start by telling you about my own experience. My wife found out about my addiction about 3 years ago. I struggled off and on alot for a little over a year, with the lying and deceiving and being caught or feeling so ashamed i said something weeks after the fact. Then things seemed to change. I stopped acting guilty and ashamed and self loathing and my wife (and myself for awhile) thought i was finally getting better.
I wasn't. I was feeling less shame for my actions because of all the "support" people would give me. ("It's okay", "you can do better", "your a good man", "move on", etc) and learning lots of good information from my counselor and scripture study and praying. But she believed i was getting better because i had stopped showing alot of the outward signs of relapse.
I hear of alot of women who think this way. Who accept what their addict husband tells them and move on and then feel completely shocked when they find out he hasn't actually been doing better.
This is why sobriety as a number or notch to put on your belt doesn't work. If someone looks at pornography only once a year, he's still an addict acting out in his addiction cycle. Regardless of the times in between. This means that a change has not taken place. This means that he's still acting out and its only a matter of time before it gets worse.
So what is the wife of an addict to do? And I'll probably get some backlash from addicts about this, but firstly, don't trust your addict husband. You have every right not to trusthim. You are justified before God not to trust your addict husband. He has lied to you numerous times that you know of. Don't take his word for it now. You are doing the right thing by not trusting God words.
Search online, talk to wives of other addicts who say their husbands are in recovery or have been sober for 1+ years. What do they say? What do recovering addict say? What do trained professionals in sex addiction say. Collect this information and ask God.
It is not the days of sobriety that show how committed to recovery an addict is. It is the change of their behavior in their days of sobriety.
Did my character change? Did my heart change in that period of almost a year? Did idevelop new Christ like characteristics and skills? No. I just stopped some of the old bad habits. A behavior change needs to take place. Otherwise:
"When the unclean spirit is gone out of the man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
"Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
"Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first..." (matthew 12:43-45)
Like the scriptures also say, "by their fruits ye shall know them..."
A change in behavior has to occur. The addict's "fruits" or actions have to be different. They have to be good. This is not a "going back to the way things were before", because the addict is letting God change him into a "new creature". He will be "BORN AGAIN", and this is a very real sense of the phrase. If we are committed to have a change of heart, to true and genuine recovery, we really will be born again, born of God into what God wants us to be. A new person.
This will most likely take time. Yes, we hear of accounts like Alma the Younger, the sons of Mosiah, king Lamoni, where this change happens quick and fast. But these are the exception rather than the rule.
Is there a chance that the addict will relapse even though you are seeing behavior/character change? Yes. There is always the choice to fall. Should this be a regular occurrence when driving for recovery? HELL NO. but I'll get into what white knuckling, sobriety, and recovery man later. Does this mean they need to start over? Yes. But is it worth it? Of course. Isn't it worth it?
I wasn't. I was feeling less shame for my actions because of all the "support" people would give me. ("It's okay", "you can do better", "your a good man", "move on", etc) and learning lots of good information from my counselor and scripture study and praying. But she believed i was getting better because i had stopped showing alot of the outward signs of relapse.
I hear of alot of women who think this way. Who accept what their addict husband tells them and move on and then feel completely shocked when they find out he hasn't actually been doing better.
This is why sobriety as a number or notch to put on your belt doesn't work. If someone looks at pornography only once a year, he's still an addict acting out in his addiction cycle. Regardless of the times in between. This means that a change has not taken place. This means that he's still acting out and its only a matter of time before it gets worse.
So what is the wife of an addict to do? And I'll probably get some backlash from addicts about this, but firstly, don't trust your addict husband. You have every right not to trusthim. You are justified before God not to trust your addict husband. He has lied to you numerous times that you know of. Don't take his word for it now. You are doing the right thing by not trusting God words.
Search online, talk to wives of other addicts who say their husbands are in recovery or have been sober for 1+ years. What do they say? What do recovering addict say? What do trained professionals in sex addiction say. Collect this information and ask God.
It is not the days of sobriety that show how committed to recovery an addict is. It is the change of their behavior in their days of sobriety.
Did my character change? Did my heart change in that period of almost a year? Did idevelop new Christ like characteristics and skills? No. I just stopped some of the old bad habits. A behavior change needs to take place. Otherwise:
"When the unclean spirit is gone out of the man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
"Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
"Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first..." (matthew 12:43-45)
Like the scriptures also say, "by their fruits ye shall know them..."
A change in behavior has to occur. The addict's "fruits" or actions have to be different. They have to be good. This is not a "going back to the way things were before", because the addict is letting God change him into a "new creature". He will be "BORN AGAIN", and this is a very real sense of the phrase. If we are committed to have a change of heart, to true and genuine recovery, we really will be born again, born of God into what God wants us to be. A new person.
This will most likely take time. Yes, we hear of accounts like Alma the Younger, the sons of Mosiah, king Lamoni, where this change happens quick and fast. But these are the exception rather than the rule.
Is there a chance that the addict will relapse even though you are seeing behavior/character change? Yes. There is always the choice to fall. Should this be a regular occurrence when driving for recovery? HELL NO. but I'll get into what white knuckling, sobriety, and recovery man later. Does this mean they need to start over? Yes. But is it worth it? Of course. Isn't it worth it?
"every right not to trust him". Yup.
ReplyDeleteits sad but true. even when I'm doing great and my wife doesn't trust me. she's still justified in that.
ReplyDelete