Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'm sitting in a PASG meeting, and I'm more aware of how insane we as addicts are. We are so completely nuts, and until we crash and burn, we don't get it.
I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
"The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.
Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety.
I read a book recently, BOUNDARIES, (great book btw) and the author said something about addicts that i find more and more true.
"The addict does not respond to anything but pain and loss"
I'm moving on, but I'll circle back to this quote.
I've heard too many addicts say they are "recovered addict"s. Not addicts IN recovery, but recovered ones. I constantly hear addicts read really inspiring talks about deciding to change and changing. To focus your will on change.
These are great talks. Wonderful God inspired talks. These talks are for those of us who are NOT addicts. Some of what they say applies, of course. But for me to say, "hmmm, I'm not going to be an addict anymore" and to pray and read my scriptures and force myself to change....wait a minute... oops, that's what i did for most of my life.
And for someone to say, "well, you just need to try harder." Or "you just have to choose" is kind of insane. I already CHOSE pornography. What does Satan say about those who break their covenants? Who choose to follow him? They will be in HIS power. I chose pornography and now cannot choose to stop. I can want to stop really really bad. I TRIED really really hard. And I'm STILL AN ADDICT. i cannot choose to stop. I'm an addict. Addicts DONT stop. They don't. They have NO power or will.
Once in Elders Quorum i talked about being an addict and not having the ability to choose to stop. A few of the men tried to hush me, and tell me that i can make that decision. That is all in my head. I can choose. Some of them said they had gone through it. They chose to stop.
This is what i say to those people: you either had a PROBLEM with pornography, and were not addicted, or you are addicted and lying about it. I do believe that some people can just have a problem. They look at it a few times or maybe several times, feel guilty and realize that it's wrong, and stop and never go back. If they have the ability to stop on their own, then AWESOME! Seriously that's awesome and good for you. But you were not addicted. Because if you were addicted you wouldn't be able to stop.
I sometimes get flack for this. And i can understand it from the guys that aren't addicts. They don't understand it. How could they? They have a more full measure of the ability and freedom to choose.
So how do i ever recover? How is recovery even possible? If you can't choose to stop, then how do you stop?
Some of us don't. Some of us follow it to hell. Because the reality is, it WILL kill us.
So for the people who really want to stop but can't, how do they stop? For the wife or loved one who wants their spouse or loved one to stop? How is it even possible?
Is it through love and forgiveness? That's what God says right? Is it through kindness? Nope. I know that can be frustrating, i know it might break your heart, but like the first quote says, "the addict will only respond to pain and loss."
I'm not saying to beat or torture your husband. I'm not even saying to hurt or cause pain to them on purpose.
My wife tried to help me through love and kindness. And i continued to act out. She tried to be angry and tell and shout at me, and i continued.
What helped the most? Pain and loss. Seperation. My wife kicking me out. Not being able to see her or the kids. Pain. Sadness. Fully seeing that i am alone. I am in pain. This woke me up. Did i suddenly change in the twinkling of an eye and a flash of light? No. It's hard work. It's harder and more stressful than acting out. But that pain and loss did something to me to help me see myself with truth and without the layers of deceit i had wrapped myself in.
Does that mean that separation will always work? No. When someone hits rock bottom, it doesn't mean that it changes them. It means they hit the ground hard, (pain & loss) and it brings them out of their addiction long enough to realize that they are still alive but will inevitably die if they continue. Some decide to try something different, some look for another cliff to jump off.
My wife tried to show me more LOVE at first. Because she was using her rational sympathetic mind. She tried to show me i could trust her. Tried to show me she loved me no matter what. That didn't register with me. Why? Because I'm an addict and life experience based off of childhood taught me that she was going to hurt me. She was going to lie too me. She couldn't be trusted. An addict mind doesn't think in rationality. It can't.
Being Seperated, seeing that my family can move on without me, and seeing that my family DID BETTER without me, shook me. But that wouldn't do it even. It was seeing that my addiction would kill me. Inevitably it will kill me if i do not get help.
I read a story (after being Seperated) about a man that didn't have many friends, but his coworkers said he was really nice, but quiet and kept to himself. One day he stopped going to work. He stopped paying bills. No one had seen him come or leave his house. Finally someone covered him dead in his home. I don't remember how he died exactly, but his home was FULL of pornography. Full.
I read that and understood that, that story was me. Pornography killed that man. And that would be me. I know seeing the future isn't supposed to be possible, but i knew without a doubt that sooner or later, that man would be me. I would be alone, depressed, and full of regret. I would maybe die from being so unhealthy, from exhaustion, from suicide, from murder, from disease. I might be young or old, but my lust addiction would KILL ME.
I have a cancer. That cancer is lust. IT IS TERMINAL. If i don't get the proper treatment, and do the proper procedures, it will remain active. It will consume my mind and body until i am dead. But if i get treatment and follow procedures, it will go into remission. But it will never disappear.
Now, for an uplifting conclusion. I have more sobriety than I've ever had. EVER. And compared to some it's minute, and to others it's alot. But I'm an addict. By definition i CAN'T stop looking at pornography. So how do i have any amount of real sobriety(not white knuckling)? God.
I'm not saying I'm cured. I'm not saying I'll never give in. I don't think i can go a day on my own. But I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of this killing me. And that pain and loss has helped me work the program, somedays more fervently than others, and that effort allows God to step in and match my effort with His own. HE is what has given me sobriety. He has reached down, and in the moments most dangerous, has healed my brain enough to direct me to safety.