Guarding Sobriety

The other day at work we were at a woman's house getting rid of some things she didn't want anymore. When my co-worker wasn't around me the woman became a little flirtatious.

       I wasn't sure once we left, because we addicts always like to think we are God's most bestest gift to women. (Fantasy thinking for sure) but when I talked to my wife and others about it they assured me it was flirting.

        When she would say these flirtatious things I would just laugh and not give a response. Why? First, I just wasn't sure if she really was and second, I felt embarrassed for her. I felt obligatory to give a response so I wouldn't make her feel embarrassed or stupid.

   

         Then it suddenly hit me. WAIT A MINUTE! I'M THE ADDICT! I NEED TO PRESERVE MY LIFE!!! I cannot be swayed by what other people think or do. If I continue to think like that, I'm bound for hell.

          So then I just stopped being around her when my co-worker wasn't there. I would not meet her gaze, I would not look at her, I would not speak to her unless asked a question and then would only give short direct responses. I would not laugh at what she said or anything. It felt more than good, it felt awesome. I was standing up for myself, even if I was the only witness.

           We left soon after. I don't know if her feelings were hurt, but her feelings being hurt compared to me giving any little sway to my addiction is really no comparison at all. I cannot let anyone's thoughts or feelings get in the way of my sobriety. I cannot appear to be the nice "good" guy anymore if that means letting my addiction come closer and closer to fruition in even the slightest of ways. Because anything else would be suicide.

      I know what would have happened if I'd gone on giving her no response which would ultimately have been correctly translated to mean I was giving her a positive response to her flirting.

        It probably wouldn't have been that day, and I'd have to be WAY further into my addiction to commit physical adultery with another person, but I would have taken in that flirting like it was a bowl of nice hot brownies and cold ice cream. I'd have drank that cup of lust and sought out more and more until I gained enough resentment for my wife not being like my fantasy wife that I'd act out. I'd look up pornographic images in my head or reality and act on them, I'd eat like crazy, I'd sever my ties with reality and drift away in a sex fueled fantasy that would chain and bind me even more deeply to my addiction.

        It was a humbling experience and I'm glad I was able to recognize it enough to run from it.