So I've been thinking about my relapse. I am definitely grateful to the addiction book: Sitting in a Row boat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship. Because it helped me take a step back and realize when the acting out really occurred. I didn't physically act out, by some people's standards i technically didn't even look at porn. There's been a few guys from my meetings who believe i didn't do anything wrong.
But i did something wrong. I looked at images, was triggered, and decided to keep on looking. It's like Andrew's book says about the alcoholic that has the drink in front of him but doesn't drink it, yet imagines it in his hand, imagines the taste in his mouth, imagines how it will make him feel. He's triggering the same chemical reactions in his body as if he were drinking it.
That's what i did. Yeah, the physical acting out might have added the repetitive nature and programming of the desire, but the viewing of it put me in an altered state of mind that was not reality. This altered state would make it easier to physically act out.This altered state i had resisted for months and it was getting easier and easier to stay away from it and also to recognize what was happening earlier on and being able to back out before it was too late.
So i acted out. Triggered and followed old patterns, thus making them new. Thus making them more familiar again. Thus making my mind act as if i HAD physically acted out.
I used to think that a relapse was physically acting out. i.e. masturbation. But came to the realization that if i kept that the definition of a relapse, i'd just keep on masturbating. Why? Because the viewing of pornography (ANY triggering material that i view with the intent to lust) would inevitably lead me to acting out physically anyway. Why? Because viewing it and imagining it creates the same chemical responses and makes them stronger.
So now i have to set down the new rule/guideline to keep me away from even viewing that stuff. Because if viewing it is a relapse, then i need to take a step back from that.
That must mean that the actions i take before viewing pornography are relapse actions right?
So, what were those actions? If i go through my actions and view them with no blame and in the full light of reality, and go through them with a sponsor, and even my wife, i realized that it all comes down to honesty/vulnerability.
If i am not vulnerable with my feelings, and i am not honest about them, i will relapse. That is a fact. I need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it as complete fact. There is no way around it.
What does that mean? I have to be "weak" and vulnerable to my wife, to my sponsor, to other men in the program. I've got to be open. I HAVE to be an open book. Writing it in my journal isn't enough. And i have to be honest to the point of blaming myself. Accepting that my anxiety, frustrations, anger, is all mine. All of it.
Here's my personal example. I was telling my wife that i didn't share my feelings with her because i knew how she would respond. (First off do i actually know how she's going to respond each time? Of course not. This is another example of fantasy being seen as reality.)
I said she would respond with a half hearted, "I'm sorry hun," as she continued doing whatever else she was doing.
When i told her this she said, "you can't blame this on me."
I went on to assure her that i wasn't blaming her because i knew i was supposed to tell her how i was feeling, but that i decided not to.
After going back and forth for awhile, her understanding more and more how very much insane i am, and confused as to why i didn't think i was blaming, and me completely confident that i wasn't blaming, she then said, "if you knew what you should do despite my actions then you would have done it."
I disagreed yet again. I said that i knew what i should do, but decided not to tell her anyway. Her response was, "why?"
My first response, classic addict response, "i don't know." But then i thought about it. U knew i should tell her but since i thought i knew what her response would be, i decided not to.
I WAS blaming her. I decided i wouldn't share my feelings because of the actions i thought she would take. So, i decided not to share my feelings based on HER actions.
Maybe to normal people, this was obvious, but to me it wasn't. This revelation exploded in my brain. I WAS blaming her, but in a sneaky way that i didn't even realize i was doing.
She was right. If i knew i should tell her no matter what, then i would have. Why? Because I'd have NO REASON NOT TO!
I was just looking at my decision not to tell her as if that was me accepting blame, but in reality i was accepting blame for not telling her based on how i thought she would act, which isn't accepting blame, but putting it on her! If i didn't think of how she would react, and came up on the thought, "i know i should tell my wife..." then i would have just told my wife.
This sent my thoughts on to everything else I'd done (or hadn't done) in the past, or even present. Things that i thought i was accepting blame for but really wasn't.
1. I "accepted" blame for choosing not to go to church because i find it boring and because one of my children were sick. But this isn't accepting blame. This is stating that church is boring and one of my kids is sick, and THOSE are the reasons i don't go. I'm blaming it on them.
2. I haven't been working the program because I've been busy with work and kids and don't have a lot of time. I'm blaming work and kids and time.
But i did something wrong. I looked at images, was triggered, and decided to keep on looking. It's like Andrew's book says about the alcoholic that has the drink in front of him but doesn't drink it, yet imagines it in his hand, imagines the taste in his mouth, imagines how it will make him feel. He's triggering the same chemical reactions in his body as if he were drinking it.
That's what i did. Yeah, the physical acting out might have added the repetitive nature and programming of the desire, but the viewing of it put me in an altered state of mind that was not reality. This altered state would make it easier to physically act out.This altered state i had resisted for months and it was getting easier and easier to stay away from it and also to recognize what was happening earlier on and being able to back out before it was too late.
So i acted out. Triggered and followed old patterns, thus making them new. Thus making them more familiar again. Thus making my mind act as if i HAD physically acted out.
I used to think that a relapse was physically acting out. i.e. masturbation. But came to the realization that if i kept that the definition of a relapse, i'd just keep on masturbating. Why? Because the viewing of pornography (ANY triggering material that i view with the intent to lust) would inevitably lead me to acting out physically anyway. Why? Because viewing it and imagining it creates the same chemical responses and makes them stronger.
So now i have to set down the new rule/guideline to keep me away from even viewing that stuff. Because if viewing it is a relapse, then i need to take a step back from that.
That must mean that the actions i take before viewing pornography are relapse actions right?
So, what were those actions? If i go through my actions and view them with no blame and in the full light of reality, and go through them with a sponsor, and even my wife, i realized that it all comes down to honesty/vulnerability.
If i am not vulnerable with my feelings, and i am not honest about them, i will relapse. That is a fact. I need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it as complete fact. There is no way around it.
What does that mean? I have to be "weak" and vulnerable to my wife, to my sponsor, to other men in the program. I've got to be open. I HAVE to be an open book. Writing it in my journal isn't enough. And i have to be honest to the point of blaming myself. Accepting that my anxiety, frustrations, anger, is all mine. All of it.
Here's my personal example. I was telling my wife that i didn't share my feelings with her because i knew how she would respond. (First off do i actually know how she's going to respond each time? Of course not. This is another example of fantasy being seen as reality.)
I said she would respond with a half hearted, "I'm sorry hun," as she continued doing whatever else she was doing.
When i told her this she said, "you can't blame this on me."
I went on to assure her that i wasn't blaming her because i knew i was supposed to tell her how i was feeling, but that i decided not to.
After going back and forth for awhile, her understanding more and more how very much insane i am, and confused as to why i didn't think i was blaming, and me completely confident that i wasn't blaming, she then said, "if you knew what you should do despite my actions then you would have done it."
I disagreed yet again. I said that i knew what i should do, but decided not to tell her anyway. Her response was, "why?"
My first response, classic addict response, "i don't know." But then i thought about it. U knew i should tell her but since i thought i knew what her response would be, i decided not to.
I WAS blaming her. I decided i wouldn't share my feelings because of the actions i thought she would take. So, i decided not to share my feelings based on HER actions.
Maybe to normal people, this was obvious, but to me it wasn't. This revelation exploded in my brain. I WAS blaming her, but in a sneaky way that i didn't even realize i was doing.
She was right. If i knew i should tell her no matter what, then i would have. Why? Because I'd have NO REASON NOT TO!
I was just looking at my decision not to tell her as if that was me accepting blame, but in reality i was accepting blame for not telling her based on how i thought she would act, which isn't accepting blame, but putting it on her! If i didn't think of how she would react, and came up on the thought, "i know i should tell my wife..." then i would have just told my wife.
This sent my thoughts on to everything else I'd done (or hadn't done) in the past, or even present. Things that i thought i was accepting blame for but really wasn't.
1. I "accepted" blame for choosing not to go to church because i find it boring and because one of my children were sick. But this isn't accepting blame. This is stating that church is boring and one of my kids is sick, and THOSE are the reasons i don't go. I'm blaming it on them.
2. I haven't been working the program because I've been busy with work and kids and don't have a lot of time. I'm blaming work and kids and time.
I have to accept full responsibility, that's the only way to commit to right action. So, relapsing will be when i don't share my feelings and being vulnerable, but I'm probably going to have to put a time limit on it, as in, within 24hrs. We'll practice at this and see how it goes.
ALSO: heard a few people ask about when and how to decide about changing a sobriety date. I was going to write the answer as a comment but it got too long. I made the When Do I Relapse? Part 2 specifically in regards to this question.
