Ok, here is where i give you the big reveal. This is why all addicts have issues. This is why all addicts, even though they've been shown or told a better way, usually go back to doing the same thing over and over again.
I'll give an example. An addict friend texts me and says he's in a bad place, as in stressed, isolating, feeling anxious and angry. The perfect cocktail for looking at pornography and acting out, which he did.
I ask, "why?"
His response, "my wife had been annoyed with me lately because of the pain my addiction has brought upon her. She's been very different lately.
And i didn't get good sleep, and my kids were being very disruptive and bugging me."
This is not the answer.
It's funny because even when we claim to know our addiction is our choice, we still fall back on these outside sources as to the reasons why. As if those are the reason.
BUT WHY ARE THOSE THE REASON?
If we only go off of those being the reasons, the best that we can accomplish is learning how to deal with the emotions that those situations bring up in us. It doesn't help us to not get those feelings in the first place. And what we need is to only get those feelings at the appropriate time.
Ha. Maybe i should take a step back. First off, we need to learn what feelings are. I, as an addict, an emotionally retarded. Once i used my addiction as a way to cope, i did not learn how to deal with emotions and progress emotionally. So i have the emotional capability of a 10 year old. (If that, considering the life style i lived in) when my therapist asked how i felt about things and my first response would always be, "i don't know" and he'd laugh and say that was a typical addict response. Not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because i really don't know. I don't recognize what my feelings are or what they mean. My therapist actually printed out a paper with faces on it that showed different emotions and then had the list of those emotions under it. And it was my job to check my feelings every so often and distinguish what they were and why.
So, going back to the things that set us off. Why?
I'll give you my own for instance:
I'm at home, all our kids are home, my wife is home, and i feel like everything is out of control. My senses go all out of wack and i feel like my head is filling with static and voices. This is the "tell". This is when I'm going to turn into the hulk and destroy about four city blocks better i calm down.
Why do i get this way? Is it because my kids were being...well...kids? Was it because the house is a mess? Or because my wife isn't being as "friendly" as i want her to be?
Am i really believing that outside circumstances are dominating my life? Well, that's actually impossible. So what makes me freak out? Is it really the kids, the house, or my wife? No. I freak out because of ME.
Alot of times we end up excepting this, and then trying to deal with it when it happens. While this is good, it doesn't solve the problem. It's like trying not to use a broken leg. It might not hurt if we don't bump it or use it, but it's much more efficient to go get it set and fixed by a doctor. Because our broken leg WILL get bumped and we WILL have to use it.
Trying to get rid of anger or anxiety or stress that triggers outbursts or acting out isn't right either. First off, that's impossible. Second, these feelings are imperative to our progression and eternal being. They are for our benefit. Anger is a good response for certain circumstances. Anger is brought up when we believe our lives are threatened or our liberties are being taken away. Fear is triggered when we believe we are going to end or feel pain.
The problem is that we've programmed these feelings too be triggered at perceived threats, when those threats aren't actually there.
Think about it. I get angry at my children literally because i perceive them as a threat to my life. Looking at the situation rationally i know my kids don't REALLY want to kill me. (At least not yet. Not till they're older anyway.) Or fear- will i really die if i tell my wife the truth and she divorces me? (i.e. didn't love me anymore). Well i really be miserable forever without her?
So why do we do this? How did we program our brain to respond so irrationally?
Trauma
Our Flight Or Fight Response (or FOFR for short) is an amazing thing. Whenever we perceive threats (real or imagined because our subconscious does not distinguish between real and make believe) our FOFR kicks in to try and save our life. Do we run or fight? Running doesn't have to be literally running away. It can mean we shut down, we isolate, we don't speak. We avoid. We lie. Or we fight. Get defensive. Physically/verbally/mentally attack. Throw blame. Yell.
So then...when did we program our brain? How is our FOFR perceiving unrealistic threats?
I do not remember the specific dates, but we program our brain from ages 1-7 or 2-7. This is when you take in the world and process information. Stove is hot, ice is cold, food makes hunger go away, consequences to actions, etc.
This is also when the child is taught about trusting, love, fear, and danger.
Our FOFR is programmed from these first experiences. This is when we first had traumatic experiences and our brains essentially says, "this hurt me. I do not EVER want this to happen again!" And sets up a FOFR to help us get it of a painful event.
So, an experience from my early childhood: one night (i was around 4 or 5 at the time) i told my mom no. My dad slapped me across the face and said through gritted teeth, "don't you ever tell your mom no!"
My brain exploded with sensory input and chemicals and said, "i don't want this to ever happen again. This really hurts, i feel Seperated from my main sources of love, i need to buy key this ever happen again."
So, not only did i never say no to my mom because of fear, i didn't say no to ALOT of people and circumstances because i was afraid of getting hurt. My way around saying no? Lying and deceiving.
What else did i learn? When my dad grits his teeth the likelyhood of me getting hurt goes up dramatically. i.e. i am unsafe in these situations and must withdraw from reality. I must isolate to feel safe. And i learned that every time MY kids sat no to my wife, i want to react just how i was taught.
The sad thing about programming our FOFR so young is that we don't have the life experience or wisdom to interpret the situation correctly. So our memory develops into (drum roll) UNTRUTHFUL CORE BELIEFS!
For example. Most of my life I've grown up believing that my mom didn't hate me, she just didn't care at all. She didn't talk, she didn't express feelings, she avoided confrontation. I took this to mean: I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love, i must be doing something wrong.(These are probably the most HUGE negative untruthful beliefs i have.)
What is the reality? My mom grew up in a very mentally, verbally, and physically abusive home. Thus she never learned how to express or show emotions except to her animals. She didn't know how to trust either. And i didn't learn until about a year ago that she loves me VERY much! She just doesn't know how to show it. She's never learned and feels uncomfortable trying so when she does try, it comes off feeling fake and awkward. But as a 5 year old i didn't know this. So i programmed myself to believe that i was a failure and unworthy of love.
How does that effect me? I sought self gratification through fantasies, porn, and masturbation to make me feel loved and if worth.
The FOFR is triggered in any stressful or anxious circumstance. Because the subconscious does not see a difference in reality or fantasy, and because it has all our memories stored, when we get stressed, anxious, afraid, it recalls the memories that mimic the present situation the most.
Another thing the subconscious doesn't differentiate is time. Memories aren't things of the "past" but at the moment they are recalled as if they were being lived through for the first time when the traumatic experience first happened. Thus in some situations we find ourselves reacting to certain situations as if we were a child. The reason, because the FOFR shuts down the cognitive brain to "save" you. So in those moment when you react like a child, it's because you WERE a child.
Here's an example: (this is true, but some of the details and names have been changed or left out so that this doesn't turn into a book)
Sally is a business woman who works on walstreet...(wallstreet?) She is one of the best in her field, but for so many years she's failed to get the promotion she's always wanted. She is usually worthy of the promotion, but once the time told around to get promoted, she does something on accident or on purpose to miss out on that promotion.
Why? Why would she self-sabotage herself? (Wait, did i just say that twice in 2 different ways?) Why does she sabotage herself to not get the promotion even though she's the best one and most qualified for it?
Well, she decided to see a certified therapist. She found out that she had the untruthful core belief that she wasn't good enough. She even told her therapist that she didn't know why, because by killing at factual evidence she really did deserve that promotion.
Come to find out Sally had a memory of when she was five. Her mom and sister were walking with her in the park and her mom bought her sister a popsicle and not her. Thus, her young inexperienced mind tried to find out why, and what it came up with was, "i must not be a good person. I must not be worthy of the popsicle. (Or my heart's desire)." So every time she reached for something she really really wanted in her life, she always sabotaged that effort because the traumatic experience of her youth taught her that arriving for something and not getting it was too painful to bare a second time. Thus she would make herself fail on purpose.
Was it her mom's fault? No. Did her mom know she hurt her so badly? Probably not. Is it my parents fault that i am an addict? No. Their fault was in not providing what needed provided, but not on my actions of taking what wasn't provided and trying to provide it for myself. My addiction is my own fault. I was definitely predisposed, but i turned it from a high possibility to a definite fact.
So when i want to turn into the hulk when my kids are loco and my wife isn't giving me the attention or help i want and i get mad at them, i need to splash cold water on my face, take deep breaths, acknowledge that the problem is with me. My FOFR kicks in because why? Because i don't feel safe. Is that their fault or mine? Mine. Why don't i feel safe? Because my wife is taking their side, saying i need to relax instead of them. Why did that give me stress and hurt? Because i feel like I'm being disapproved of, because I'm feeling rejected. But why am i feeling that way? Because i am living in memories and present all as if they were happening at once, reliving the other billion times i felt rejected by wife, people, girlfriends, and finally, those first experiences with mom and dad. Where that untruthful core belief resides and keeps telling me, "I'm not worth it. I'm always wrong. I'm a disappointment. I am unworthy of love."
These core beliefs govern our lives. They are the glass through which we see reality, and that glass is tinted and it is dirty. If we have any hope in recovery, it is through changing these core beliefs. Only then are we truly liberated from self destruction.